Relationship Help!

[Truthful_Whispers]

Thank you @Whispering_Truth

You're welcome. There are too many good people out there, who have MI's, that are worthy of the affections of truly caring people. Why should they waste their time trying to polish a turd?

 

[darwin]

You're welcome. There are too many good people out there, who have MI's, that are worthy of the...

Lol yep exactly

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Sounds like bullshit to me. A chronic cheater will find an excuse anywhere. I was drunk, we had a fight, I'm mentally unwell, s/he threw him/herself at me what do you expect me to do, I thought you were cheating, my dog died I was upset, etc.

Speaking as someone who has PTSD and has cheated. No excuses, none. I did it, I knew I shouldn't but I did. Lucky for me my partner forgave me but I would have never held it against him if he couldn't. He like yourself set some ground rules and I followed them to the letter. That was nearly two years ago. For a while I could tell he didn't trust me(obviously) so I was as transparent as possible. Things are good now, we were engaged and planing on starting a family. We put all of that off to deal with what I did, and try to get over it. It is possible to get over it but he needs to take responsibility for it and stop taking the piss.
You said you found out? Was he so guilt ridden that he told you? (That's what I did) or did you catch him? If yes what else are you gonna catch him at? I'm obviously in no position to judge, but don't let him take the piss.

You can pm me if you want to ask me anything.
Xx

 

[Beingisbewildering]

I think you're all right. Thank you so much for your help. No he didn't tell me, I found out and he cannot claim responsibility, he downplays it and says he doesn't know what he was doing. He can't really understand why I'm so mad at him or why I want to leave him.

I feel trapped though. He's living with me at the moment and he is in a bad way; if I tell him I'm leaving him his condition will get a lot worse. How do I t

 

[Beingisbewildering]

How do I tell everyone that the wedding is cancelled? My little boy has grown so attached to him. What do I tell him? It's so hard and I'm so angry that this happened. I did have my doubts about ptsd having much to do with infidelity and by the sounds of it, it doesn't.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm with a vet who has combat PTSD... and he has never ever, not once, cheated on me. Not at his worst, not when he was triggered, and not when he has been drinking. He doesn't get on single sites, text other women or post pictures of his junk online. He has never forgot to not cheat, or had any kind of spell that turned off his moral compass. Even with PTSD and TBI from head injuries, he knows better, and he knows that his ass would bounce hitting the curb if he ever did. That is a no-go at this station... no second chances. If he cheats, HE messed up, and I don't care if he has a steel pipe protruding from the "no-cheating center" of his brain. If he wants other women he can be with them, but he won't have me.

It is a basic human respect thing.

PTSD is not an excuse to cheat, and not a free pass to stomp all over your boundaries, especially if you have already given him a second chance. It's also not an excuse to take it out on your kid. Don't buy into the poor self esteem manure they are shoveling at you.

I don't want to be one of those partners that lays down loads of rules and is constantly on his back.

You know what? There are times you just have to lay down the law. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is the only way that you as a supporter can keep from turning into a total doormat. You don't have to be on his back.... setting boundaries is all about what you can and cannot tolerate yourself. As in "I cannot tolerate cheating in any sense of the word, and I will not tolerate a partner that goes onto adult/singles sites. If you do so, I will leave. Period." Then if he does it, leave. You have to enforce your boundaries or they aren't real boundaries.

That isn't forcing him to do anything, that is telling him your limit. If he crosses it, then it is HIS fault. He is an adult. His brain isn't addled. He can comprehend the consequences of his actions.

But I'm not his punching bag and I don't deserve it

No you don't. That's why you have to set those boundaries if you want the relationship to work.

We as supporter give our loved ones with PTSD leeway in a lot of things, but it is 100% absolutely OK to have rock solid boundaries and deal breakers. It does not make you awful to leave him, even if he is sick. You aren't leaving him because he is sick, you are leaving him because he cannot respect your boundaries. You aren't going to make him sicker if you leave. His behavior and the consequence is shit he needs to own himself.

It is OK to not tolerate cheating, sneaking, or yelling at your child. And it is OK to be the big meanie bitch and stand up for yourself!

 

[Theresa1122]

It's going to be hard to try to explain it to your son, but it's best for him in the long run. Just think about how much more he will become attached as time goes on and things get worse, as he sees things that children don't need to see, and then have to go through your divorce. Telling everyone who you already sent invitations to, well, if they care, they will understand. It's so much easier to get out now. He needs to get help and you don't need to suffer further to the point where you and your son will also eventually need help because of what he's going to put you through. Maybe talk to his family and explain that he needs help? I don't know, but you should get out and not go through with the wedding. Please!

 

[The Albatross]

"How do I tell everyone that the wedding is cancelled?" No major explanations are necessary as this is a private matter. Keep it simple and vague as the focus is not on everyone... it is on you and your partner and your child and whether or not you should enter into marriage. I think I'd insist on couples counseling personally.

"My little boy has grown so attached to him. What do I tell him?" What to tell or not tell a child is delicate depending on the age of the child but it can be perhaps explained, that marriage is a serious commitment to another person, and that it is better to wait and address differences now than afterwards?

If you and your partner are faith based, counseling may also be available in your denomination.

It may have less to do with PTSD and more to do with impulsivity or his character. Either can be resolved if HE chooses with assistance. My own spouse was having online activities the were a deal breaker... we submitted to the instruction and counsel of our church, we went to couples therapy and he put a block on his computer to any explicit content voluntarily. We have remained married and will be married for 26 years this November. But... I held the boundary and made it clear that intervention and change was necessary or for him not to come home. Several times. My spouse (and I) chose to take the actions necessary to resolve the issue and problematic behavior in the relationship.

 

[Friday]

^^^^
This.