Relationship Questions

[BlankCanvas]

Just quick disclaimer, I feel bad saying all this 'negative' stuff about my bf on here. He does have a lot of great qualities in our relationshp. But, he is being very complicated when it comes to the PTSD stuff.

But I have a question or two for you. When you say that he doesn't want to hear about the trauma's, do you mean giving him details or just the basics (as in the basic description of what type of trauma you have endured.) My reason for asking this is, it can be very difficult and overwhelming for our loved ones to hear about the actual details. Some can not even handle hearing that we were hurt. It can take loved ones a long time to be able to absorb and handle this information. (I have family members who have reacted in this exact way.)

Perhaps you could try to start a conversation and find out if hearing about your trauma's is too painful for him or too upsetting. This could very well be the entire problem.

My other question is are you talking about your traumas and your PTSD symptoms at the same time? Could he be just trying to shut if all off to avoid the trauma talking part?

Hi Bec,

To break it down, I can't say that I talk about PTSD symptoms in much detail. I'll let my bf know if I had a rough sleep or an anxious day. I don't get into the details. For example, I don't say "I had a nightmare about a sexual assault and it triggered me". I usually leave it with, "I had a crappy sleep, woke up anxious". He's fine with this part, he can empathize with a bad sleep.

However, when I've tried to discuss the details of my symptoms and how he can get involved with my recovery he shuts down and gives me the "I don't know". I think this is the only way I've asked him to participate in my recovery. I have a great support group and I don't feel it's fair or appropriate to give people a huge burden/load in my recovery. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm somebody and make them feel like they're responsible for me and all my problems. When I asked my bf about helping me cope with my panic attacks I asked him very objectively. Meaning I haven't said "I need you to do this for me" or "It's important that you learn how to do this". Do I need to approach this in a different way?

In regards to talking about the traumas, he doesn't want to hear any of it. He knows the basics, that I've been physically abused, sexually abused, etc. He also knows the who-did-what part. So that part is already 'out there'. However, there have been a couple times where I've talked about these events in more detail. This has been in the context of talking to him about being stressed about exposure therapy, that sort of thing. He has, more than once, stopped me quickly and said that he was overwhelmed with what I was telling him and didn't want to hear it. I have respected that boundary and understand that it's difficult to listen to someone you love and care about talk about abuse. I get that, I've been on the other end. But I can't help but think of a couple close friends of mine who listen to the nitty gritty when I really need to spill my guts (this has happened maybe 4-5 times). They have let me talk without reacting. They listen with compassion and love and they make me feel like it's okay to talk about these things. I don't get that from my bf and I'm beginning to think that in order for our relationship to work in the long run, he needs to offer me some of that support.

 

[BlankCanvas]

An after thought.....

You need to know what you are dealing with when getting involved with someone with PTSD. Not only to assist them but to save yourself from the mental struggles it causes Carers....some PTSD reactions just do not make sense and can do a sane person's head in. :rolleyes:

Would I do it all again....with Anthony yes....with someone else... I don't know. It is a big responsibility sharing your life with someone who has PTSD and if you are not willing to be 100% involved at the onset it will only get worse the longer the relationship continues as that is when the "fronts" people put up (best sides) often crumble into reality.

While the loss of a relationship is always hard; it is better ending one that will not benefit you than staying and having it crumble around you down the track once it turns unhealthy...the signs of which you can now see.:rolleyes:

Thanks for your response Nicolette, it's good to hear a Carer's perspective. It definitely takes a compassionate and patient person to commit to a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD. I know for sure that my bf didn't know what he was getting into when it comes to the PTSD and me. I am seeing the unhealthy signs in our relationship and am trying to see what I can do to fix it. I'm just taking my time to flesh out what I need to say to him. I think the responses in this thread have pointed me in the right direction.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi BC,

Agree with all the above posts. Just one thing though popped into my mind, afeter reading your post ("1:38 am").

I think being your bf it is more that just difficult to hear about the past abuse you've suffered, if taken in context - definitely the degree of reaction to it and the connotations. A frien'd reaction may be different than a "bf's".

As regards physical abuse, especially- do you think he could have his own triggers? Does he speak much about his past?

That being said, however, I still agree with Captain R.

Best wishes and good luck. You deserve the support.

 

[Pandoras3of9]

I wouldn't ask if he "wants" to learn some things that would help you. Ask him to, like you would ask him to pick up laundry detergent or something. I believe in asking direct questions to show how important it is for me. Its always worked for me when I deal with my friends.

 

[Tinyflame]

Pandoras- laundry detergent- that's too funny. :)
-You've got a good point though. Think women do that less than men.