Relationship with Dad advice - shared trauma, feel like I'm abandoning him.

[Marvel545]

Me & my Dad have been through a lot of stuff together, we witnessed my Mom die nearly 15 years ago. She was terribly ill before that, she was in & out of hospital pretty much since I was born to her death.

My Dad then embarked on several relationships throughout my teenage years, one in particular that was abusive.

Our relationship changed when my Mom died. I went from being a child, to being his confidant. I would help him with his online dating profiles & he would tell me all about his relationships & ask for advice. I would witness the arguments & there was a lot of abuse. I was scared for my life.

I set a boundary last year where I asked him to stop talking about his relationships & he has respected it for the most part.

We work together & have a business that is struggling. We are setting up another business, but I also want to set up my own thing. I've recently come to the decision that I want my independence, working with my Dad & his dysregulation is too stressful, but the best way is to set up another business with him that's much easier, this would give him an income & pay off business debts.

How my Dad has treated me isn't right. I understand that he's been through a tonne, but I've pretty much been bullied for the past 8 years & been through further trauma.

I feel as though I'm abandoning him by doing my own thing & feel responsible for taking care of him.

I guess to summarise, I want my independence from my Dad, but I want him to be provided for as well. I also am very stressed at the current situation, but due to financial reasons, can't get out of it straight away.

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this?

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds to me like you’ve got some codependency issues in this relationship. He stopped being the parent and you started being his supporter before you were ready to be.

 

[ILoveLife]

Just keep doing things for yourself, Marvel.
Taking care of yourself comes first. When we put ourselves first, others can be screaming all around us we don't even hear it.

 

[Marvel545]

ounds to me like you’ve got some codependency issues in this relationship

I think this is true & something I need to read up on.

Just keep doing things for yourself, Marvel.

I think this is right also, I think I just need to trust it will work.

Thanks guys :)

 

[TreasuredLoved]

Hi- I’m happy that you respect your Dad and you want to take care of him.
My mother-in- law passed away a year ago and my father-in- law is now living alone in his house. My brother in law does not want to stay with him because he wants to be independent so he decided to get an apartment near to my father-in- law’s house so he can check on him as much as he wants. You can also try to talk to your dad that you want to live on your own but still you will help him. You can live near to his house so you can still check on him and you will not feel that you abandon him.

Thank you for sharing, I hope things will work out for you. God bless.

 

[grit]

I hope you discuss about this with your therapist. To me it sounds like you are ignoring your own needs and focusing on him because this is easier than truly paying attention to you or maybe you never learned that.
BTW, you cannot really abandon a parent but you can be alienating and in this case, I would say for a good reason until you are in a better position for yourself.
It is like airplane, put the mask on you first.