Supporter Relationship With Vet With Ptsd

[Catlady75]

Hi I'm Catlady75,

I've been following this site for a long time. I'll get to my story. A year ago I met a man at the gym. We would be at the gym at the same time with similar workouts (we both powerlift) he would make eye contact, smile, started small talk, etc. Eventually I gave him my number and he started to text me. Right away he was open and honest about his cPTSD,TBI and he that was in mandated therapy at the VA for years. It didn't bother me as he is very nice, funny and so smart. For the past year, we've been texting and seeing each other only in the gym. I gave him space, didn't push to date or hang out outside the gym. We moved at his speed. I know he likes me more than a gym buddy as he loved to see me in tiny gym shorts, complement me on how good I looked or tell me I'm beautiful occasionally. We would even joke around about sex stuff too. Valentine's Day 2016 he sent me flowers- the card said Happy Valentine's Day. No one ever in my 40yrs has done that. I thought that was progress. Fast forward to my birthday this week. He sent texts messages but I was hoping he'd spend the day with me. He didn't. We were silent for part of yesterday and last night I texted him that I needed him to know, I hoped that he'd spend time with me on my b-day rather than text like everyone else. Was hoping, after a yr, we'd spend time together outside the gym.
His response: I kind of made him uncomfortable. So I'll just see you around sometime. I apologized and said I didn't mean to. Also, if he ever needed anything just let me know. I've been crying since 2 am.
I guess I'm on here to get advice, guidance, vent. I never had a relationship with anyone and was hoping this would go somewhere as he is a great guy that's been through things I couldn't or wouldn't imagine. Thanks for reading and listening.

 

[Casey_03]

It sounds like he didn't want the relationship to develop into anything more than chats at the gym, if I'm understanding correctly. Did you guys ever meet outside of the gym? How did you get to know about his CPTSD and other issues, he told you that at the gym? Are you sure he's not married? The situation seems kind of confusing, and I don't understand if this was a romance and actual relationship or just flirting at the gym .... but my guess is he never wanted things to go beyond the gym, for whatever reason. It may or may not be related to PTSD.

 

[Catlady75]

Hi Casey_03,

Thanks for reading and responding. Outside the gym we met three times. He came to one of my powerlifting meets and helped out. The second when I had surgery he came the day off and visited and kissed my forehead before leaving. The other is when he came to my house to talk as his mom was in the hospital and couldn't concentrate at work.
I found out about his PTSD through text messages when he first started texting. He told me the rest of the story when he asked if I wanted to visit a house he was renovating for a flip. He is divorced for 6 yrs. Married a woman on the spur of the moment before his last deployment figuring he wasn't going to make it back. He said she was not a good woman and she caused the loss of their son in the womb at 5 months.
I've been confused over this situation. He'd send me selfies of him shirtless or dressed up, pictures of things he's working on in work, the meds he's on, vent to me when needed about work and other frustrations. I don't get if he had no intention of dating or romance why start up with me- am I just an ego boost for him?? I really thought and felt there was something more the way he shared stuff

 

[CaitMiller]

Hi I'm Catlady75,

I've been following this site for a long time. I'll get to my story. A year ago I met a man at the...

I'm so sorry to hear that :/ I hope you stop crying. He sounds like a nice guy, but it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship, which is unfortunate because it seems like he sent all the signs saying that he was interested in one. He sounds like he may have issues other than PTSD.
Though I'm not sure if I have PTSD or CPTSD I have one of them and from my experience that doesn't affect relationships in this sense.

You sound like a really nice person; healthy, patient, thoughtful, etc. I would say if he keeps giving the signs address him about it, and if he begins to act awkward then unfortunately, that is your cue to move on to someone else.

So sorry dear. :/ If you need to vent I'm here

 

[Casey_03]

I don't get if he had no intention of dating or romance why start up with me- am I just an ego boost for him??

It might not have necessarily been for an ego boost. It might have been for a distraction, for fantasy, he might have genuinely wanted a relationship but not have been ready for it -- there are myriad reasons. But I think it's clear that he led you on and doesn't really have intentions of going further. To me, the response he sent you by text (about him being uncomfortable) doesn't necessarily sound like PTSD ... as in, I'm not sure PTSD is the issue here, but there is definitely something going on. He sounds confused about his ex-wife - he married her at the spur of the moment but then decided to have a child with her? Seems a bit strange. I think you might as well be direct with him and ask him -- just say something along the lines of, "Hey, I couldn't help but be a bit surprised by your reaction. Have I been reading signals wrong this whole time? I got the impression you wanted to make a go of things."

 

[Friday]

I don't get if he had no intention of dating or romance why start up with me- am I just an ego boost for him??

Because that's what friends do?

Sounds like wanted to be friends, & you wanted it to be something more. That's not being used. (Unless you flip it around, someone who's only spending time with you in order to get in your pants / thinks they'll have a shot at you if they're nice to you for awhile. But once you make it clear you just want to be friends, they drop you like a hot rock, because they were never interested in being friends with you. But that doesn't sound like what you were doing to him, either.) It just sounds like you're 2 people who wanted 2 different things. He wanted a friend, you wanted a date.

 

[Catlady75]

Casey_03, CaitMiller, FridayJones,

Thank you for responding and your help. Sorry, I'm so late. I'm also dealing with my sick cat that I had to rush to the doc.
I guess what really gets me is that I have other male friends and they never, ever texted or sent pictures like some of the ones I received from him. I guess I'm struggling with the signs and texts he sent. My male friends never ever text I miss you or hope you have a good day everyday or love the view he sees when I'm in my compression shorts. I know the Easter holiday was a bit rough for him plus his parents were sick and he was taking care of them. As for his Ex, he called he a poor excuse of a woman. From what I understand, after he was discharged they tried to make a go of it and that's when the pregnancy and loss of the child happened.

 

[CaitMiller]

Sounds like he's dealing with a lot. Sounds like you may be the one consistent positive person in his life. It's nice for him to rely on you, but still don't let yourself be drained. I'll be praying for you and this situation as well as your cat. <3

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

PTSD does affect relationships and if you check out the supporter's section you will find a lot of threads/posts regarding withdrawal and isolation. Also, it is best to keep communication open and direct and if in doubt....just ask.

 

[glass half full]

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but the fact that you've been friends for a year without escalating seems like a strong clue that he wasn't looking for more from you. The kiss on the forehead is certainly sweet, but not intimate in itself. The compliments- nice to hear, certainly but again, lacking more as a follow up, not really significant.

His definition of appropriate boundaries for friends seems to be different than yours. I have a couple of male friends who are among my very best friends and they will say things to me that are more blatant than comments about tiny gym shorts, but we both know that we are not ever going to risk our friendship by becoming lovers. They are like "dirty" brothers, if that makes sense. Its just never going to happen and everyone is cool with that.

I do see his Valentine's Day flowers as a mixed message, but the remainder seems pretty clear since there was no escalation to progressive levels of intimacy.

While he has PTSD, this just doesn't sound like PTSD behavior. Boundary differences, lack of insight, but that's different. Sorry- but you'll probably have to decide whether you are willing to just be his friend at this time.

 

[Casey_03]

I'd also like to toss out the possibility that he might actually be gay. And having had a wife doesn't really mean anything. I say he might be gay because in my experience, gay guys will act overly friendly with girls and it can come across as flirting if you're not aware the person is gay. Maybe?