Relaying My Feelings To My Partner... Need Advice!

[Iwanttolovehim]

Hey all,

Umm so I need some help here! It seems I have lost all ability to say anythng about how I feel to my BF! And lately he's not making me feel so good! But how can he change if he doesn't know he's making me feel this way? This is really difficult, I have this fear that he, as a sufferer too, will explode when I tell him how he has been making me feel! I'm also afraid that he will just walk away and leave me! I have worked so hard for so many years to minimize these feelings and lately they have come back full swing! I actually felt anger lastnight, dangerous anger though, I punched my headboard :( because my BF wouldn't come to bed and chose to spend time with the TV until 4 am!! (I have to say that this is something he has been doing now for 2 and half months on a daily basis) Any time I say anything to him or do anything he gets mad at me for some reason and its really starting to weigh down on my own self image! I need help and once again am feeling completely lost and alone :unsure:

 

[Muzikluvr]

And lately he's not making me feel so good!

But how can he change if he doesn't know he's making me feel this way?

Does he need to change in order for you to feel good in the relationship?

It seems I have lost all ability to say anythng about how I feel to my BF!

I think the lost ability is due to fear.

I have this fear that he, as a sufferer too, will explode when I tell him how he has been making me feel!

Any time I say anything to him or do anything he gets mad at me for some reason and its really starting to weigh down on my own self image!

It sounds like he's been exploding at you when you bring stuff to his attention. Maybe he doesn't want to hear anymore about what he's doing to upset you. Maybe he's upset because he feels your intention is to change him, in order to fix the relationship... and it angers him that it all depends on him so much. Perhaps... he feels like you're blaming him for causing the problems and not being willing to change in order to fix them.

I'm also afraid that he will just walk away and leave me!

I think this is the issue that you need to focus on. In order to get relief from the situation, I think you should focus on accepting that he may walk away, or that you may choose to walk away... and that it will be upsetting if that happens, but when you aren't attached to someone who is weighing you down and making you feel bad (er... not so good), then you are available to meet someone who does make you feel good... and whom you don't have to change in order to enjoy living with him.

I'm not suggesting that you break up with him. I'm suggesting that you accept the possibility of breaking up as an event which may lead to growth in your own self, and a better relationship at some point. You don't have to stay with him and he doesn't have to stay with you... in order for you to be good enough, even happy in your life. So... by accepting this possibility... really accepting it, not just fooling yourself into believing it... then you will relax and feel free to speak your mind.

I have worked so hard for so many years to minimize these feelings and lately they have come back full swing!

Right. Minimizing doesn't make it go away, it only festers.

I think your username says a lot about where you are in this relationship, but I don't know either of you, and I don't mean to offend you. I just think that either you love him, or you want to love him... but those aren't the same thing. What does it mean to want to love him?

 

[The Albatross]

She's got a point. Suited or not suited... It's a determination that is conscious not a a refection of your personal character.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Iwanttolovehim- Hugs. Are you guys going to therapy? Family therapy? Maybe it is time to consider it if not. This may be a good way to explore both sides with a mediator.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

What does it mean to want to love him?

Muzikluvr, thank you for your input, my screen name isn't about me and wether or not I love him because truth be told, I do love him, I know this! My screen name was merely me trying to express that I want him to let me love him. He shuts down quite frequently and has these isolation episodes where he truly believes that if he hides from eveything, eveything will go away!

Him and I had a really good long talk lastnight and this morning about the issues that we are having! Don't get me wrong, I don't sit there and point my finger in his face and tell him its all his fault, I know that its not! I accept responsibilty for my faults all the time. This morning he said to me that the reason he loves me is because I am always honest with him even when the truth makes him mad in the moment. He told me that there a lot things that he just gets angry about because he doesn't know how else to be, or that it scares him to have any other emotion! He told me this morning that hes really frustrated with the fact that he has little to no sexual desire. I think that somewhere along the line of me attempting to talk to him, and trying to portray how I feel has gotten through because he has verbalized his feelings now!

I think maybe we have made a turning point! I know that I am less than perfect and that I have issues of my own to work on and I thank eveyone for their input, it really helps me sort through some thoughts!