kenny price
New Here
I need help this evening. Perhaps if I post a thread I will be able to sleep.
I have mixed feelings about my mother. I was angry at her for 20 years, rage, furious rage. I could never put my finger on it. then the other day, a miracle, I actually grieved over her death (she has been gone 5 years). But now, its late at night, and I can't sleep. I am stuck back at age 8, I keep having these memories which are trying to push their way to the surface and I can't stuff them down anymore.
I stopped drinking three years ago and all of the other people in AA who stopped drinking when I did are manifesting jobs and careers and all sorts of wonderful things in their lives. I feel like I am getting sicker and hitting a brick wall of shame and guilt. I am so angry at the world right now. I want someone to talk to. I have been to therapists but I don't trust them enough to tell them, or I just freeze when I get to their office. My roomate has been the first one on this planet to have the patience and love to listen to me go over these painful memoires, and so much has healed these months, but he was not molested, and he can only listend and love, he can't relate or profide any hope.
I keep having memories of sitting on my mother's lap at age 6 and fondling her breasts. Its such a vague memory, but I am afraid that it took place more than that one time. How many times did I fondle her breasts that I have blocked out? Is this why I disassociated? Is this why I was afraid of the other kids? Is this why I felt shame and gult all of these years? What is it that I can't remember?
I tried EMDR and quit after a few sessions. Too expensive and I could not recall in his office. I can only recall at night when I am tired and need to sleep and thats when the memories all come flooding back to me. I don't know. My life is falling apart. I am 44 years old, inteliigent, educated and phsycially healthy, an athlete. But at night, I just hate the nights. I have tried so hard to be spiritual my whole life and "not" dwell on the past because thats what all the spirital people told me to do, and they all soar to all new heights in their spirituality and they meditate and they are peaceful and calm. I want to hit them all. Like I wanted to hit my mohter, but I never defended myself, and thats a problem also. My mother told me to never hurt her in any way, and I am also afraid that she might have molested me in more ways that I can't remember and I did nto fight back. I always remember my mother being drunk and being emotinally abusive, but now I think there was physcal molestation as well. I just needed to do something with all of this so thats why I am posting late at night.
I don't have a job, and I can't work. I have lived with such disassociation all my life and that is starting to clear up but for the first time I am seing my childhood clearly and its not pretty. Is this the reason my mother avoided me after I left home at age 18? Was she hiding a secret that she molested me and did nto want me to know the truth? She got sober when I was 21 and I never saw her after that. I am so angry at AA because I think they enabled her to keep her little secrets, either that or she blocked it all out.
My father refused to send any of his family to therapy, and he said we had to "tough" it out and be "real men" and I did that and I was the most mature child in the entire school. In fact, I actually took care of my parents emotionally, and they loved that. They did not need help becaue I was 15 years old and I was more mature than them and I took care of them. I am so angry at them. They are gone, they killed themselves, and I am stuck with all of this crap. I just need to vent right now. My grandfather was a multi millionaire and I inherited $1,000,000 when he died when I was 19 and my parents did nto want me to have the money. They wanted it for themselves. I had to hire an attorney and that was the last I ever spoke to my father. The suit settled out of court when I was 21 and I never heard from him again. He said I was not his son and that he would disown me and all of my heirs, and he took his hatred of me to the grave when all I did was protect my legal rights. They also got $1,000,000 from him but they knew that if I got my money I would abandon them, which I did, I went and saw a psychiatrist when I was 21 and my mother said that I lied and made up stories. What was she so afraid of? the rest of the family said they did not want to get involved, and they are all dead now too. They were rich also, and this entire family was so completely f*cked up.
I am gay and I was very good looking so I was promiscuous and into the BSDM scene for many years because I wanted other men to rape me. Now that I am older and sober and not having sex, all of this shit is hitting the fan. I was alsoway very responsible and never got a DUI, and I still have money left, I did not spend it or squander it, but I am all alone here late at night and I just need to blurt out this story and get it off my chest. I have this fantasty about beating the crap out of my mother and then I have guilt for having these feelings. They were not my parents, they were not my parents, they were not my parents! I see now why I have had so much anxietey my whole life, who wouldn't given that kind of childhood.
Thanks for reading this post. My aa sponsor says I am ready to start helping others in AA. I feel so lost. Other people in AA with 3 years sobrity are sharing all sorts of wisdom, and I feel like hitting the next person who thinks I am not working a good enough program. They probabably all think I don't do the steps. Bullshit. My roomate has been sober 22 years and I am on the phone constantly with the aa people, He doesn't do shit for his recovery, and people flock to him. They stay away from me. Ive actualy been in aa 20 years but I have only been sober 3. Ive also been to ACA, course in miracles, new thought fellowship and 7 therapists. I am tired, so tired, and I keep hitting this same wall. I just can't get past this wall, and I believe its somethign that I am not able to remember.
I have a brother who hates me and he has not spoken to me in 25 years. He says I make things up and that mom and dad were loving and kind people. I have had no support these 25 years from anyone. My parents told all of their friends to stay away from me and they did just that, and after my parents died my brother told me that they had a funeral but I was not invited. He also said that my parents told their friends that I was violent and on drugs. I got pissed at my father once when I was 19 and called him a mother f*cker bastard asshole and that was the last I ever spoke to him. that was right before I took him to court.
I wish my grandmother had lived longer. She was the most loving person on the planet, and she used to read to me the pokey little puppy when I was a little boy and she bought a house for my parents to live in and cars for them to drive to make sure that her grandsons were not neglected materially. but my grandmother never knew that my mother was a closet lesbian and used to have her best friend come over and they woudl get drunk every night and my father was a closet homosexual. I don't know, but he might have molested me also. I just remember feeling so dirty and ashamed around him. My parents never hugged me, exept my mother, when I was a little boy, I used to hug her at night and say I loved her, but when I think about that now it was like I was doing that to fill her needs, it did nto tive energy to my little boy, it drained my energy.
After my parents died my brother inherited several million dollars and there was a clause in the will which stated that I was to receve absolutely nothing. This entire drama is true. I have shared bits and pieces of this story with others, but most people get tired of hearing it, and I am 44 years old and I want it to be gone, but just when I think I have a grasp on life, WHAM, it all comes back to me, this entire story of my life. I am so frustrated. I have one friend, who is the most amazing person, who has thrown up her hands and told me "I can't relate and I can't help you becaue none of that happened in my family" I have $300,000 left, out of the $1,000,0000 I inherited 20 years ago, so I did nto squander it all.
I have never really had a job, I spend my entire life going to meetings, aa meeings, and doing things to help myself, but I need to think about a job and Ithought that I would have a career by now and that this stuff would clear up after age 40 but clearly not. I have a bachellors in finance and a masters in architecture and I have bought and sold many properties, and done all of the renovaitons myslf. I am skilled and amazing when it comes to carpentry, electrical, and all of the trades. I can do it all myself, and I am quite good at that, but I have been so depressed this last month that my roomate has to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and drive me to meeitngs. I jog 5 miles 4 times a week. I eat well. Most people don't know about the trust fund that I have lived off of for the past 20 years. They think I do handyman work, wich I do, sometimes, but for the most part, I have lived off the trust fund, and I lost so much in the real estate crash that its dwindling.
This is a long drama, and thanks for reading this post. I thought the steps of AA would fix all of this and I had a sponsor who was also a clinical psychologist and when we got to the ammends part I tried and tried and tried but for the life of me, I could only come up with 2 ammends of people I thought I might have hurt, and when I went to them, they said that I did not hurt them. The people in AA say this is all because i have alcoholism. I think they are all in denial. I went to a seminar on depression and I might also have a chemical imbalance, but I beleive that resulted from the abuse. I have been on psychotropic meds for 23 years, many many different meds. I have tried to go off the meds several times and I go psychotic. I can't believe I just wrote my entire story.
This is the quagmire. I was on 4 mg of klnoopin for 2 years but I have been off of that for a long time. Withdrawal from klonopin is not easy! My mother's lesbian (i think she was lebian)drkinking buddy committed suicide when I was 30. I have met hundreds of angels over these last 20 years who have kept me going and afloat emotinally. I have never helped anyone myself. Thats ironic, after 20 years in 12 step meetings I am still reaching out for help. and Its late at night and I don't want to bother one more person with the same old same old. I know all of htis can be cured in the flash of an eye with a mircale, and that is what I need, a miracle. there one one man who confronted my father, and my father never spoke to him again. then there was one woman who was my friend, and my mother cut her out of her life. Before my grandmother died I tried to confront her about her family and she turned on me also. I get hate mail from my brother from time to time. This is my family.
I have a wonderful life with wonderful people and a wonderful program, but Im about to snap if I don't let all of this out. I think all of you will understand. we have are all surviovors. I don't want to tell my spirtual firends because they are going to say "let go" or "are yo useing a therapist?" or "what step are you on" or "did you call your sponsor" and I would do all of those things if it were not the middle of the night. Oh, yah, I am also a workaholic. I am reckless, I go into things full force and then the ramifications fall in around me, so I am afraid to take risks lin life.
I feel so afraid to tell people this entire story becaue my mother used to tell me "don't tell others, it might hurt them" and I lived with that voice in my head for 30 years but now that I see it was maniuplative (evil) I want to take a shovel, dig up her grave and take dynamite and take a rock and kill a corpse. I want this to be over, I want to heal, and I want to move on. I though t I had a miracle breakthrough this week, because I had several good days in a row, then I was driving to a friend's house for dinner, I got lost, I got frustrated, and their voices came back into my head, the arguing, the bickering, the blaming and I had to turn around and drive home and cancel the dinner date. I have been volunteering time at the gay youth center, and thank god for those kids, because they need me and I need them. I found one young man totally angry. Others feared him but I looked straight into his eyes and I saw myself at age 21 and I realized my path in life is not architecture or finance, its helping other kids who's families are sicker than mine were.
Guess thats how it works, folks, we help othes with the lives we have experienced and the lessons we have lived. I told my roomate when I got hom that I am a miracle, that I did not kill myself. My parents would have been happy if I would have committed suicide. In fact, I tired when I was 19. I told them and they felt sorry for themselves. That is how narcisccistic my parents are/were. I have tired so hard to "not be like them" and the joke is, that I became like them, but I never took my anger out on others and I never abused others, but I became an alcoholc, and i took responsibility for that. thanks for listening folks, I think I can sleep now. Namaste! Kenny
I have mixed feelings about my mother. I was angry at her for 20 years, rage, furious rage. I could never put my finger on it. then the other day, a miracle, I actually grieved over her death (she has been gone 5 years). But now, its late at night, and I can't sleep. I am stuck back at age 8, I keep having these memories which are trying to push their way to the surface and I can't stuff them down anymore.
I stopped drinking three years ago and all of the other people in AA who stopped drinking when I did are manifesting jobs and careers and all sorts of wonderful things in their lives. I feel like I am getting sicker and hitting a brick wall of shame and guilt. I am so angry at the world right now. I want someone to talk to. I have been to therapists but I don't trust them enough to tell them, or I just freeze when I get to their office. My roomate has been the first one on this planet to have the patience and love to listen to me go over these painful memoires, and so much has healed these months, but he was not molested, and he can only listend and love, he can't relate or profide any hope.
I keep having memories of sitting on my mother's lap at age 6 and fondling her breasts. Its such a vague memory, but I am afraid that it took place more than that one time. How many times did I fondle her breasts that I have blocked out? Is this why I disassociated? Is this why I was afraid of the other kids? Is this why I felt shame and gult all of these years? What is it that I can't remember?
I tried EMDR and quit after a few sessions. Too expensive and I could not recall in his office. I can only recall at night when I am tired and need to sleep and thats when the memories all come flooding back to me. I don't know. My life is falling apart. I am 44 years old, inteliigent, educated and phsycially healthy, an athlete. But at night, I just hate the nights. I have tried so hard to be spiritual my whole life and "not" dwell on the past because thats what all the spirital people told me to do, and they all soar to all new heights in their spirituality and they meditate and they are peaceful and calm. I want to hit them all. Like I wanted to hit my mohter, but I never defended myself, and thats a problem also. My mother told me to never hurt her in any way, and I am also afraid that she might have molested me in more ways that I can't remember and I did nto fight back. I always remember my mother being drunk and being emotinally abusive, but now I think there was physcal molestation as well. I just needed to do something with all of this so thats why I am posting late at night.
I don't have a job, and I can't work. I have lived with such disassociation all my life and that is starting to clear up but for the first time I am seing my childhood clearly and its not pretty. Is this the reason my mother avoided me after I left home at age 18? Was she hiding a secret that she molested me and did nto want me to know the truth? She got sober when I was 21 and I never saw her after that. I am so angry at AA because I think they enabled her to keep her little secrets, either that or she blocked it all out.
My father refused to send any of his family to therapy, and he said we had to "tough" it out and be "real men" and I did that and I was the most mature child in the entire school. In fact, I actually took care of my parents emotionally, and they loved that. They did not need help becaue I was 15 years old and I was more mature than them and I took care of them. I am so angry at them. They are gone, they killed themselves, and I am stuck with all of this crap. I just need to vent right now. My grandfather was a multi millionaire and I inherited $1,000,000 when he died when I was 19 and my parents did nto want me to have the money. They wanted it for themselves. I had to hire an attorney and that was the last I ever spoke to my father. The suit settled out of court when I was 21 and I never heard from him again. He said I was not his son and that he would disown me and all of my heirs, and he took his hatred of me to the grave when all I did was protect my legal rights. They also got $1,000,000 from him but they knew that if I got my money I would abandon them, which I did, I went and saw a psychiatrist when I was 21 and my mother said that I lied and made up stories. What was she so afraid of? the rest of the family said they did not want to get involved, and they are all dead now too. They were rich also, and this entire family was so completely f*cked up.
I am gay and I was very good looking so I was promiscuous and into the BSDM scene for many years because I wanted other men to rape me. Now that I am older and sober and not having sex, all of this shit is hitting the fan. I was alsoway very responsible and never got a DUI, and I still have money left, I did not spend it or squander it, but I am all alone here late at night and I just need to blurt out this story and get it off my chest. I have this fantasty about beating the crap out of my mother and then I have guilt for having these feelings. They were not my parents, they were not my parents, they were not my parents! I see now why I have had so much anxietey my whole life, who wouldn't given that kind of childhood.
Thanks for reading this post. My aa sponsor says I am ready to start helping others in AA. I feel so lost. Other people in AA with 3 years sobrity are sharing all sorts of wisdom, and I feel like hitting the next person who thinks I am not working a good enough program. They probabably all think I don't do the steps. Bullshit. My roomate has been sober 22 years and I am on the phone constantly with the aa people, He doesn't do shit for his recovery, and people flock to him. They stay away from me. Ive actualy been in aa 20 years but I have only been sober 3. Ive also been to ACA, course in miracles, new thought fellowship and 7 therapists. I am tired, so tired, and I keep hitting this same wall. I just can't get past this wall, and I believe its somethign that I am not able to remember.
I have a brother who hates me and he has not spoken to me in 25 years. He says I make things up and that mom and dad were loving and kind people. I have had no support these 25 years from anyone. My parents told all of their friends to stay away from me and they did just that, and after my parents died my brother told me that they had a funeral but I was not invited. He also said that my parents told their friends that I was violent and on drugs. I got pissed at my father once when I was 19 and called him a mother f*cker bastard asshole and that was the last I ever spoke to him. that was right before I took him to court.
I wish my grandmother had lived longer. She was the most loving person on the planet, and she used to read to me the pokey little puppy when I was a little boy and she bought a house for my parents to live in and cars for them to drive to make sure that her grandsons were not neglected materially. but my grandmother never knew that my mother was a closet lesbian and used to have her best friend come over and they woudl get drunk every night and my father was a closet homosexual. I don't know, but he might have molested me also. I just remember feeling so dirty and ashamed around him. My parents never hugged me, exept my mother, when I was a little boy, I used to hug her at night and say I loved her, but when I think about that now it was like I was doing that to fill her needs, it did nto tive energy to my little boy, it drained my energy.
After my parents died my brother inherited several million dollars and there was a clause in the will which stated that I was to receve absolutely nothing. This entire drama is true. I have shared bits and pieces of this story with others, but most people get tired of hearing it, and I am 44 years old and I want it to be gone, but just when I think I have a grasp on life, WHAM, it all comes back to me, this entire story of my life. I am so frustrated. I have one friend, who is the most amazing person, who has thrown up her hands and told me "I can't relate and I can't help you becaue none of that happened in my family" I have $300,000 left, out of the $1,000,0000 I inherited 20 years ago, so I did nto squander it all.
I have never really had a job, I spend my entire life going to meetings, aa meeings, and doing things to help myself, but I need to think about a job and Ithought that I would have a career by now and that this stuff would clear up after age 40 but clearly not. I have a bachellors in finance and a masters in architecture and I have bought and sold many properties, and done all of the renovaitons myslf. I am skilled and amazing when it comes to carpentry, electrical, and all of the trades. I can do it all myself, and I am quite good at that, but I have been so depressed this last month that my roomate has to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and drive me to meeitngs. I jog 5 miles 4 times a week. I eat well. Most people don't know about the trust fund that I have lived off of for the past 20 years. They think I do handyman work, wich I do, sometimes, but for the most part, I have lived off the trust fund, and I lost so much in the real estate crash that its dwindling.
This is a long drama, and thanks for reading this post. I thought the steps of AA would fix all of this and I had a sponsor who was also a clinical psychologist and when we got to the ammends part I tried and tried and tried but for the life of me, I could only come up with 2 ammends of people I thought I might have hurt, and when I went to them, they said that I did not hurt them. The people in AA say this is all because i have alcoholism. I think they are all in denial. I went to a seminar on depression and I might also have a chemical imbalance, but I beleive that resulted from the abuse. I have been on psychotropic meds for 23 years, many many different meds. I have tried to go off the meds several times and I go psychotic. I can't believe I just wrote my entire story.
This is the quagmire. I was on 4 mg of klnoopin for 2 years but I have been off of that for a long time. Withdrawal from klonopin is not easy! My mother's lesbian (i think she was lebian)drkinking buddy committed suicide when I was 30. I have met hundreds of angels over these last 20 years who have kept me going and afloat emotinally. I have never helped anyone myself. Thats ironic, after 20 years in 12 step meetings I am still reaching out for help. and Its late at night and I don't want to bother one more person with the same old same old. I know all of htis can be cured in the flash of an eye with a mircale, and that is what I need, a miracle. there one one man who confronted my father, and my father never spoke to him again. then there was one woman who was my friend, and my mother cut her out of her life. Before my grandmother died I tried to confront her about her family and she turned on me also. I get hate mail from my brother from time to time. This is my family.
I have a wonderful life with wonderful people and a wonderful program, but Im about to snap if I don't let all of this out. I think all of you will understand. we have are all surviovors. I don't want to tell my spirtual firends because they are going to say "let go" or "are yo useing a therapist?" or "what step are you on" or "did you call your sponsor" and I would do all of those things if it were not the middle of the night. Oh, yah, I am also a workaholic. I am reckless, I go into things full force and then the ramifications fall in around me, so I am afraid to take risks lin life.
I feel so afraid to tell people this entire story becaue my mother used to tell me "don't tell others, it might hurt them" and I lived with that voice in my head for 30 years but now that I see it was maniuplative (evil) I want to take a shovel, dig up her grave and take dynamite and take a rock and kill a corpse. I want this to be over, I want to heal, and I want to move on. I though t I had a miracle breakthrough this week, because I had several good days in a row, then I was driving to a friend's house for dinner, I got lost, I got frustrated, and their voices came back into my head, the arguing, the bickering, the blaming and I had to turn around and drive home and cancel the dinner date. I have been volunteering time at the gay youth center, and thank god for those kids, because they need me and I need them. I found one young man totally angry. Others feared him but I looked straight into his eyes and I saw myself at age 21 and I realized my path in life is not architecture or finance, its helping other kids who's families are sicker than mine were.
Guess thats how it works, folks, we help othes with the lives we have experienced and the lessons we have lived. I told my roomate when I got hom that I am a miracle, that I did not kill myself. My parents would have been happy if I would have committed suicide. In fact, I tired when I was 19. I told them and they felt sorry for themselves. That is how narcisccistic my parents are/were. I have tired so hard to "not be like them" and the joke is, that I became like them, but I never took my anger out on others and I never abused others, but I became an alcoholc, and i took responsibility for that. thanks for listening folks, I think I can sleep now. Namaste! Kenny
