bonnecanyon
Silver Member
I haven't thought about this in a long time, but now that I'm in therapy bits and pieces are flooding back into my memory. Mostly at night when I'm waiting for sleep to come.
It was April 2, 1980. My daughter was exactly 2 months old - born Feb 2, 1980. It was my mother's birthday. I just got home from visiting family and my daughter had fallen asleep in the car. I took her inside in her car seat as to not wake her.
I heard a knock on the door. I thought it was the newspaper delivery girl. I told her I would buy a paper from her if she ever had any extras at the end of the day. I lived in a duplex and she delivered to the neighbor. I opened the door with a smile ready to buy a paper from her. Instead I was facing 2 scary men.
I should insert here that my husband was doing drugs - and selling them on the side to pay for his habit. We were only married because I got pregnant - and I told him the baby would not have his last name unless he married me. So he did.
One of the guys said "we need to buy a lid." I said, you're at the wrong house. Then he pulled out a gun and cocked it and said "where's the drugs?" and "give us all your money."
I put my hands up and they forced their way into the house. I started to pee my pants. I turned around and they put the gun in my back. I knew enough about gun safety to know that a cocked gun can go off a lot easier. Thoughts of rape and death flashed in my head. Then I saw my life as if watching a movie. My childhood, my teens, my early 20's, then my daughter. When it reached the present moment, the movie stopped. Then I could hear myself breathing.
They took all the cash and all the drugs and said "count to 100." I started counting. . . then they were gone. I felt frozen. Should I move? Are they really gone?
Slowly I turned around to check - was it safe? No one was there. I went to the front door to see if they were gone. I opened it and looked out. There was no sound. There were no cars on the street. There were no people walking down the sidewalk. There were no families in their front yard. It was like the twilight zone. It was like there was no "air" in the universe. Was this a dream or did it really happen?
Then my daughter woke up. I tried to breast feed her, but my milk wouldn't come out. She cried and I tried over and over to feed her, to comfort her but I couldn't.
more later. . .
It was April 2, 1980. My daughter was exactly 2 months old - born Feb 2, 1980. It was my mother's birthday. I just got home from visiting family and my daughter had fallen asleep in the car. I took her inside in her car seat as to not wake her.
I heard a knock on the door. I thought it was the newspaper delivery girl. I told her I would buy a paper from her if she ever had any extras at the end of the day. I lived in a duplex and she delivered to the neighbor. I opened the door with a smile ready to buy a paper from her. Instead I was facing 2 scary men.
I should insert here that my husband was doing drugs - and selling them on the side to pay for his habit. We were only married because I got pregnant - and I told him the baby would not have his last name unless he married me. So he did.
One of the guys said "we need to buy a lid." I said, you're at the wrong house. Then he pulled out a gun and cocked it and said "where's the drugs?" and "give us all your money."
I put my hands up and they forced their way into the house. I started to pee my pants. I turned around and they put the gun in my back. I knew enough about gun safety to know that a cocked gun can go off a lot easier. Thoughts of rape and death flashed in my head. Then I saw my life as if watching a movie. My childhood, my teens, my early 20's, then my daughter. When it reached the present moment, the movie stopped. Then I could hear myself breathing.
They took all the cash and all the drugs and said "count to 100." I started counting. . . then they were gone. I felt frozen. Should I move? Are they really gone?
Slowly I turned around to check - was it safe? No one was there. I went to the front door to see if they were gone. I opened it and looked out. There was no sound. There were no cars on the street. There were no people walking down the sidewalk. There were no families in their front yard. It was like the twilight zone. It was like there was no "air" in the universe. Was this a dream or did it really happen?
Then my daughter woke up. I tried to breast feed her, but my milk wouldn't come out. She cried and I tried over and over to feed her, to comfort her but I couldn't.
more later. . .
