Remembering Suicide Attempts....

[Privateer]

I was going to post something, but I still can't really talk about it.

Which makes this post a bit pointless, I guess.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Shellbell - Thanks for the reply. It really helps/is grounding to know that others have similar experiences with remembering. If you don't mind me asking, when you time-lined it out did you do it all with your counselor? Or did you mostly do it alone and just tell the counselor of your progress? I'm currently doing this on my own writing out my trauma diary, but I haven't told my T. about it. I'm not really sure if I want to yet or not.

Privateer - I don't think your post is pointless at all. For me this was the first time I've ever admitted... to well... ANYONE that I've ever had suicidal thoughts. Ever. And it's been really helpful to me to just admit to it. Admitting it to myself by writing it down and sharing, I can't explain it, but it's freeing almost. My point being I think it's very brave of you to add to this thread and share yourself with others. And whether you really believe it was pointless or not, I think it was a big step and very important.

As to everyone else - I'm very glad we're all here and never went through with it. All of your posts have made such a huge impact on my well being and all for the better. It's brought me a sense of calm that I can't really explain. And I really REALLY mean that. Thank you all <3

 

[Shellbell]

99Phoenix99 - I did my timetime alone, before I started pastoral counseling. I think for me, it was too much. It resulted in flooding and I couldn't cope with that. That excelerated my untreated depression and I was severely despressed within a few months of that. I haven't told my therapist that I have already timelined it all, it probably would be a good idea to let her know and to show her a copy.

Privateer, your post wouldn't be pointless, it's your experiences. You don't need to share, but can if you feel it will help. Some things are easier to admit here on a faceless forum, than to people. Writing things in a journal or diary can also be a helpful way to acknowledge something as painful as this.

I'm also very glad that every one of us who has considered it and/or attempted it - is still here.

 

[InHell11]

I feel like i'd be stupid and ridiculous to assume my previous suicide attempt added to my PTSD.

 

[Shellbell]

I often think that so much of what I think about is stupid and irritational and I get so annoyed with myself because I can't change it. Yet. Therapy will help change it.

But I need to remember that this is all a normal reaction to severe trauma. It doesn't make sense for and to people who have never experienced severe trauma and PTSD. But we're not dealing with 'normal' experiences.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Glad I found this thread, thanks Shellbell.

There's a lot of shame for me about my previous attempts, today the shame is mainly that I didn't go all the way through with them / they didn't work. Sometimes it's more about being so weak and damaged.

T knows there's been attempts but we haven't spoken about them in any detail yet, I guess I'm a little nervous as I don't want to end up locked up. I know I should talk to her about them, especially as I do get flashbacks about them.

I was interupted unexpectedly twice in a month a few years ago. I have huge guilt about the individuals that I got involved, what the impact was on them to have to talk me down. One may been ok as they dialled 999 so may have got some support? Not sure.

 

[Shellbell]

I haven't talked with my T yet about mine or that I keep thinking about them. I know I'm not suicidal right now, but I wonder if I weren't a strong AD med and didn't have kids, then I might be. I'm not looking forward to talking about it with her.

I also felt like a failure that I didn't succeed, so I understand that too.

I have the shame and guilt issues associated with mine too. And shame that I thought about it constantly at one point in one abusive situation.

It's very hard.

 

[Violet03]

I have been thinking about mine recently. I haven't talked about my attempt in details to anybody. Sometimes I feel like I need to but I just can't. Nobody else in my life right now would understand. I have been so angry lately that I am still here, still hurting. Every day recently has been a struggle not to do it again. Since I failed last time I know how not to mess up again. So far I have been able to fight off that urge.

 

[Britt.f7]

I try to remind myself how I felt after I woke up from an attempt. When I woke up, I felt that God was giving me a second chance at life. So, now, when I start thinking of dying again I think of that. I try to find that feeling in the darkness.

Though my T knows about the past attempt, a little under 30 years, we don't discuss it. We do discuss the suicidal feelings I've had this pass year. We discuss the feeling I have of just waiting for myself to die. I can't wait to get out of this mindset.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have only 'told' relatively recently and never detail. Like you Britt was 30 years. Not sure when it was, think it was October, for sure, maybe again in February? I really can't remember second time. Just recall being at the end of the line. Anyways, because of this thread, was thinking maybe I only made it because I overestimated the gravity of it. So I looked it up. Apparently not, they say it's not only highly likely to be fatal (inevitable) but if stopped in process leaves tremendous damage, disfigurement etc. And most painful way to choose to go, according to prevention literature. And can even kill you up to one month after. (What a topic. :( ) But no wonder I felt unwell. Of course, couldn't tell anyone and my fault, so..

Yes it definitely makes for shame, etc.

However, I guess that means at some miniscule level I really was supposed to be here. Or people who cared were protected from me causing them more pain, for that I'm (very) thankful. (Though that causes more shame, too.)

 

[Shellbell]

Junebug, I'm glad you had people at the time that cared about you. I'm so sorry you were in so much pain at that time.

At the time of mine (14yrs old and 17yrs old) I had no-one who cared, which was part of the reason for the attempts. The abuse I was suffering at the time of the second one (total captivity situation being raped, threatened with my life, physically abused, pyschologically tortured daily) was so beyond tolerable, I considered suicide every day. And I had so much shame and sense of failure that I didn't actually succeed. I have amnesia about the following 3 years of this abuse continuing, until the age of 20 yrs old and I don't want to remember what happened through all that. I have wondered though if there were more suicide attempts during that time.

Until recently - over 20 years later, I had never talked about this and I know I have to talk about it with my T in the future which will be really hard. It helps to have talked about it on here first.

Like you, I think there must be a reason I survived though. Not sure why, but there must be a reason.

 

[maddog]

Yes Shellbell, there was a reason, it's so that you could live on to be a wonderful mother, wife and friend to people whose lives would be that much emptier without you. The world was never going to let you go so quickly when it needed you so much...

MD