Remembering Suicide Attempts....

[maddog]

Yes, that does help Shellbell, this is a very wise and pragmatic way of trying to look at it, and it's something I really do need to focus on and try to internalise. Reaching out for help when you need it is massive. Having someone there to receive that call is just as massive, the part of help seeking behaviour that I never, ever knew until recently. That is definitely a positive legacy to hold onto.

Maddog

 

[smile_empty_soul]

I'm the same. I attempted suicide twice, the second time I remember the most. I was wearing some perfume the other day, and I suddenly felt really down, despite the fact I had felt pretty good those last few days. I remember it was the perfume I wore that day I attempted suicide, and suddenly I was thinking about loads of stuff from around that time without being aware. :(

 

[maddog]

Oh, I so relate to those sensory or memory triggers that take you back to that time and that state of mind. There was a particular song that was playing on the radio a lot at the time 2.5 years ago when I came very close to ending it all myself. It was playing that night, specifically when I walked over to turn the radio off because I couldn't stand the noise anymore. I heard it just a few days ago and my blood literally ran cold. The cue was stronger and more distressing than I could everhave imagined.

It's shocking how much our memories lock certain stimuli in place at significant moments in time, and how vividly connected to the moment those stimuli remain.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember being so down. I think I was very depressed. I remember swallowing the pills and got scared after five and said yes to the life spirit. I called nine one one. And I have never done that again although the thoughts have recently come back It is not an option for me. I have learned so much reading this thread. I am amazed at all of the people who survived and I am so happy to hear it.

Say yes to the life spirit inside and really live. That is what I am struggling to do now.

 

[Abstract]

I am amazed at all of the people who survived and I am so happy to hear it.

This really hit home to me. All these lovely people on here and all might have been lost forever. That would be such a crime and such a waste. Thank goodness for the inner strength we all seem to have. I am happy to have had the opportunity to "meet" you all.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

And likewise. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Same here. As I was reading I thought of the same as what Abstract said. What a terrible loss, such wonderful and unique and compassionate people. ((((((Abstract, Shellbell, Gizmo, Smile_Emtpty_Soul, MD, Brit, All)))).

Oddly, I rarely have memories of the actual attempts, though I remember them, and though I am reminded by certain things of course.

I agree with what Shellbell recommended for MD, and what MD said especially about asking for help. Especially that part.

I was in an odd situation, when it happened- when I did it- it was overkill, and I can't say anything 'kicked in' to encourage me otherwise. But that was many many years ago. And now I think, maybe I can just let it be. Not file it away in shame and denial, although I am ashamed. Just, it is very past.

Very luckily for me, when it occurred again since 2008 mainly, but a handfull of very serious times it came pretty close, it was the help of others, that kept me 'here'. Well, one person. Thank God for his compassion, or lack of judgment. But also he responded unconventionally. I couldn't have withstood the 'textbook'response. Because (though) I do understand no one knows what to say in response to revealing that.

I think sometimes it's ok to trust in the faith of others when we can't find any, or believe in ourselves at all. Or really even hold on much.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking, my friend says 'everything is a gift'. Maybe it helps to see this stuff as the past (whether it be the past as in years or even as in days), and as just part of our individual journeys, of which we're still 'here'. Something good perhaps can come out of it, or understanding for others, or learning things like trust(ing).

Hugs to all, xox.

 

[Sailorgal]

When I struggle, sometimes those memories surface for me. They try to creep in but then something clicks and I remember it was the past and not my present or future. It's not the same as triggering though so I'm not in danger anymore.

It's a positive thing to have a memory though, not that remembering past pain is pleasant. But as others said, we can see how far we've come. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

And what it somehow sinks in to me, is how bad it was. Or how difficult ptsd can be, to deal with. We spend so much time and every way imaginable saying to ourselves (or I do), that it wasn't bad, wasn't traumatic, I shouldn't feel this way, I should be stronger, whatever. But it doesn't come out of no where. I have often heard people say they have never felt that badly to get to the point of S (to fathom it), I am thankful they haven't, too. But I'm aware it could happen to anyone (ptsd included) and when it does you can understand all too easily. :( We don't start with S as the first option, either, we've usually been through the stage they speak of for months or years already.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey.. I just thought of something, had to come back to read the page, at the top. It says that ptsd is a 'life-threatening, debilitating' disorder.. yikes, no wonder it's so 'fun' :sick: !) to deal with, sometimes! Yikes, I guess that's denial on my part, must have seen that print a 1000 times and those words I conveniently skimmed. Always preferred to think of it more as.. I don't know what. Not a 'big deal' (as per myself), just makes me 'abnormal', burdensome etc. (Not meaning that for anyone else).

Good thing is, I also know as horrible and hard as some things are, to survive or do or say, it can sometimes not be as awful as I would have thought it would result, for sure. Hard to comprehend ( for me) when I could never imagine it could be anything but the worst case scenario to follow, saying it or anything. (If that makes sense).

There is a great feeling, to be able to see some things as the past.

 

[maddog]

I think sometimes it's ok to trust in the faith of others when we can't find any, or believe in ourselves at all. Or really even hold on much.

Junebug, you speak a truth that has become really significant for me lately. Sadly, I had cause to discuss this issue with T just yesterday, and so much of what I'm realising is that right now, when my own belief in myself and my worth and my future is so thin and shattered, it is sometimes the faith and belief of others that keeps me holding on. It's the images of others I bring to mind when times are at their darkest, because for the first time in my life, there are people I trust, and care about, and who i know (even though I struggle to really feel it most of the time) really care about me too. Sometimes their faith is strong enough to compensate for what I don't have, and I think it's most of the reason I'm still here. Hopefully, some day, I will find that faith in myself, but for now, the faith of others has to do. I'm not proud of that, but it's my reality.

And I so so agree with what you said about those of us who have fought and survived what we have do not resort to thoughts of suicide quickly, or any way other than as a last resort when all of the enormous resources within us feel spent. None of us are quitters, it's not who we are, and it's why we're still here. To feel sometimes that it's all too hard and that the cost is too high is, I believe, inevitable for those who fight our battles, and validating those feelings and acknowledging why we have them is every bit as important as taking steps to try to ensure we don't act on them.

I treasure all of you and feel privilleged every day to know you in whatever way this forum counts as knowing. I don't like to celebrate others' "failures", but for everyone here who has ever tried to take their own life and not succeeded, I am thankful.

MD