Dear dear MD, i would quote your whole post if they'd let me ( ;) ), and 'like' it a 1000 times.
This has very much been my reality, too, since 2008. It came out of no where, well, what I considered a relatively insignificant circumstance (compared to everything else that had ever happened or was occurring). I thought SI was totally behind me. :(
However, you know what? I had always thought I'd just take the fact of that (from 1983) to my grave, I swore I would (had to). But as it turned out, I told 2 people about 1983, (and I guess more realistically speaking), 1 about my current (2008 on) SI. At the worst- about 2010, I think?- I couldn't even remember images of others on one occassion, if not 2. "Names', but not a single memory associated with each, I'll never forget it. I got about as close as you could get. But I guess apparently 'God' had other plans.
That's kind of consoling to me, that when I cannot, or have not, been able to help myself, I wasn't 'alone'. Not in 1983, either. Though it's taken this long to realize it.
However, I have only to say, I don't think it's bad at all, but a 'gift', to be able to rely on others' faith, or for it to be there at all, or for someone to have faith in or for us (even when we feel or 'know' we are hopeless). You should not be ashamed! I certainly can relate to what you wrote, as regards feeling entirely shattered and worn thin, identity and worth and future. But I thought today, it's like the song "Amazing Grace", though the 'content' (per se) is different than this specifically, the focus is on the fortunate (gifts received, forgiveness, new life and a new start, etc), not on past 'misdeeds'. I think we're so certain we cannot be vulnerable or helpless (or hopeless), we feel naturally ashamed when we are. But, would we condemn others that way?
I heard today, and had thought it yesterday myself, as regards that terrible shooting, there are no questions, because there are no answers- no answers that would suffice, nor ones that would change it. It's a matter of getting through it. As it is for all traumas. With 'God-with-us' ( if one believes in a Higher Power or Spirit or Being), and with each other, and for each other. If anything, I believe it's the meaning of life. All parts of the journey, and some parts can be horrific. Bless people (like on this forum), who have the compassion and courage to not be frightened away by it, and the selflessness and strength to stand by each others' sides. :) :hug:
I really love what you said about not quitting! I can't see myself as a 'survivor' (though not a 'victim', either), but I'm not a quitter (because I can't help it, I'm half Irish :) ).
You are a prolific writer MD, you help others so much, by being 'you' and revealing your thoughts, and support, and expressing what so many of us can't. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to others, and leave the self-recriminations out. You have done nothing wrong, to have gone through what you have. And if anything, what you are doing now is RIGHT, and a sign of good health, to ask for help, to tell the truth, and to let other people care and help. You're as beautiful as everyone here says. You're doing great, and it will be ok. :)
Big :hug:'s, xox.
