Sexual Assault Repressed Assault

[Xentrix667]

hello. I've introduced myself elsewhere with a similar post. I guess here it's more about getting feedback from others or advice on a couple of my key concerns.
When I was around 11/12 I was sexually assaulted by a guy who lived on my street. I had a friend who lived towards the end of my street and I lived on the other end. We often would ride our bikes back and forth between houses. Along the way was a guy who we would sometimes talk to.
Anyway, there was one day where I went to my friends house but she wasn't home. I travelled back and decided to stop back at his house. This is when the assault happened (I would rather not go into details)
From there a lot changed for me. I became angry, didn't listen in class and aggressive towards others. Rather than discuss what happened I pushed it away so that I never really even thought about it. I wouldn't call this repressed, as the memory is there, just that I chose to forget it (maybe that is repressed?)

soon after this happened I, being the aggressive kid I became, picked a fight with one of the year 12 jocks. I was physically assaulted by him and all his rugby mates in the toilets of our school at the end of one of the days. It was awful.

My parents, not knowing how to deal with everything that was happening to me (and not knowing why I had changed so dramatically) decided to move town and put me in a different school. I retreated totally within myself for a year or more afterwards, no friends and was struggling mentally to deal with everything.
I started drinking and eventually became friends with a group of other loners. We would drink, smoke pot and carried on like this throughout high school. During this time I lost my cousin, who was very close to me, to meningitis. I stared taking a lot of uppers, such as speed, cocaine and ecstasy.

I'm free of the drugs now and don't drink, but I think not having the alcohol has made me start focusing on all that's happened to me which has made me retreat further and further within myself.

I'm sorry for the long story. I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to see what help I can get.
I do have questions, though, if anyone can assist:
1. Is 'forgetting' an incident the same as repressing the memory? I am assuming it is but it seems also to be two slightly different things.
2. could stopping drugs and alcohol cause someone to get even more depressed?
3. When seeing the psych tomorrow I have no idea what to talk about. I'm actually scared about it and want to cancel. My wife, who is the only person I've ever spoken about the abuse to before now, insists I need to speak about that. I've seen a lot of psychs but never mentioned it before. I guess this is not so much a question as a request for guidance on how to get the most out of an hour session tomorrow.

Of course I know it is the psych who is the best person to speak to to get advice but thought I would chuck it up here and see if there are any suggestions for me.

I apologise if this is too long and also if it doesn't really fall under the correct category.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello @Xentrix667 . I'm sorry for what you've been through. :( I understand what you mean by 'forgetting' (but not) the memories, although Idk if that's what's called 'repression'. I believe the answer to #2 is yes, definitely, especially not masking or escaping how you feel.

As to #3, possibly print out your post here. Especially scared & avoidant, I doubt I'd have the presence of mind (myself) to remember, or know how to get started. But if you have this to fall back on, you can explain a bit & show it.

Good luck tomorrow, & welcome to you.

 

[Xentrix667]

Thanks @Junebug. I guess I suspected #2 already. I am happy I gave it all up but kind of regret it too in a way - at least it helped me deal with things before.
Great advice about printing the post. I might do that and keep it handy as a reference. I've seen psychs before and been on meds plenty but nothing works. My wife is saying now that of course it's not working because I've bottled in the real reasons all this time.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

hello. I've introduced myself elsewhere with a similar post. I guess here it's more about getting fe...

Hi @Xentrix667, I would tell your psych exactly what you've said here and they will let you know if they need more details. Print this out if you want to save time. My doctors have appreciated it when I have done this- I also take a list of questions so that I don't have to worry about forgetting.

I think getting more depressed after quitting drugs and alcohol is pretty normal; nothing to numb all of those feelings.

Don't know about forgetting v. repressing memories, good question for your doctor.

Good luck!

 

[Xentrix667]

Thank you @Broken Dahlia. I will make sure to prepare for tomorrow's session as suggested.
Butterflies in my stomach are driving me a little crazy today.
Appreciate the advice and support.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Xentrix667 you're welcome.

I am happy I gave it all up but kind of regret it too in a way - at least it helped me deal with things before.

I understand. But in a way more like 'surviving' rather than dealing with it? If you can reduce the pain it won't feel this way, I think.

I think the thing with meds is, is it anxiety or depression or.. (x)? Is it biochemical or situational? In other words, what is the cause, & for your biochemistry, the best choice.

It will be ok.

 

[ladee]

Yes to the question of getting clean and sober and the memories coming back. That is when the bottom fell out for me too ! It really doesn't matter if it was repressed or you tried to forget. The thing is, now your brain is ready to get started dealing with it... and congrats on being so honest in your post. It helps us to understand where you need support.
T's have heard it all.. nothing is going to shock them, or make them not want to treat you... you can simply tell your new T you are not ready to get into it... which is good... you and your T have to build some trust as a foundation for your work...
I am extremely proud of you for taking this step. This journey is not an easy one. But neither is suffering in silence... and by being here, you are with many who understand, don't judge, because we have been there or are there now. You are not alone... And good luck with your new T... please, if you feel like it and are comfortable, update us on how things go... sending gentle hugs, if you accept them, for being so courageous...

 

[Xentrix667]

Exactly. I've been treated for depression and generalised anxiety. All treatments don't seem to have worked. Admittedly I've never followed through with therapy as I had no desire to discuss the things that were important to be discussed - I just wanted the meds to 'fix' me.
The more I get out of control the more I realise I need to address things head on.

 

[Xentrix667]

@ladee thank you so much. I never thought of forums before but, again, it was my wife who suggested it and I'm glad I did. It feels good to have support.
Really glad to have the kind words from you and others.

 

[ladee]

@Xentrix667, this is an amazing forum, with very caring people. Tell you wife we said thank you for sending you here !! We are glad you are here... you are not alone !

 

[Xentrix667]

Thank you @ladee. Will tell her :)

 

[Xentrix667]

Hi all. I've been very quiet of late so thought I would provide a quick update.
I had my psych appointment which went alright. He changed around with my meds and referred me to a psychologist. I'm now on Diazepam half twice a day. Right now I can't remember the name of the other meds but it's been a complete change of meds in a lot of ways.

Anyway, the day after I visited him I was walking to my car in the dark and slipped on some timber my wife had left out the day before. This was early morning on my way to work.
I fractured my ankle in three places and was in hospital for about ten days having had surgery, etc.
Just got out the weekend just past. I'm on a lot of pain meds and been dealing with the recovery but hopefully will be on the mend soon and can reconvene my battle (a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean)
Been off work the whole time which has its pros and cons. I feel totally useless around the house and guilty for not being at work. Ah well.

I hope everyone's well.