Repressed Memories Flooding Back

[coolcat]

I feel really crazy today after a ton of repressed memories came flooding back. I'm 20 I was molested by my brother when I was like 7 and he was 13, a couple of times. It disguts me. I thought that I've told no one about this and kept it a secret until last night when I was flooded with repressed memories of telling a bunch of people in the past. This is very strange to me I was unaware that the brain could block out such memories.

Firstly, something triggered my memory last night and I somehow remembered with clarity confessing to a number of different people on separate occasions, that I had been molested, each of these memories were from times when I was "blackout" drunk . It seems as if my mind and memory built a wall around these confessions to protect me from realizing what I have said, until it all came back to me last night.

The first of these remembered confessions was to my mother. About a year and a half ago I was blackout drunk and confessed to my mother that I had been molested. I completely forgot or repressed this memory until now.

Likewise about six months after that, I was blackout drunk again and confessed to my friend about it as well. At the time he told me that I had told him that once before when I was really drunk but forgot. I completely had no memory of this when it happened as well, I kinda thought it was a bad dream.

About six months after that, I was drinking with a group of friends from high school when I had a too much alcohol and confessed to them about my abuse as a kid. I completely forgot about this as it happened, until yesterday. This was the most embarrassing of the repressed memories because I barely talk to these guys and they know my deepest scars.
This is where it gets weird: I remember this event to be weird because I was in a particularly dissociative state when I was telling my friends what happened, and one of my friends (a psych major) explained to me that I had told this years ago. He told me to make eye-contact with him and said that I was having a repressed memory and I probably wasn't going to remember that conversation. I forgot that we even talked about it twenty minutes after it happened, but I remembered it all last night with clarity.

A few months after that, I had a few too many with a buddy of mine and confessed to him as well. I didn't remember doing it after it happened. This came back to me as well last night. Oddly when it happened I told him that he was the first person I told about it, which was untrue, but I thought it was completely honest.

After my mind was flooded with these repressed memories all at once last night I felt like I was crazy as hell that my mind could willfully block out such things for so many months. Just yesterday I thought that I could keep this shit to myself... Wow. ouch

 

[Hashi]

Hi coolcat,

Welcome to the forum.

Alcohol can both release inhibitions and cause fragmentary amnesia (forgetting what happened when you were drunk). So this would make sense to me. In your case, it's to do with disclosing your trauma. In someone else's case it could be waking up somewhere with no idea where they are or how they got there.

I'm a bit concerned at a couple of things you've said. You haven't commented on them particularly so I don't know what your take on them is.

One is that you told your mother and then forgot... does that mean she hasn't talked to you about it since? I'm wondering what her reaction was.

The other is how much you're getting blackout drunk. I say that as someone who's had a big problem with alcohol and wish I'd realised sooner that it was a problem and not a coping method.

How are you doing generally? Do you have support?

 

[somuchpain]

It's really tough for your ego to deal with such abuse. And yes it can often seem like it's playing games with you. Try to be strong and accepting of the abuse and others will likely respect you for it. You did not abuse yourself, and that should be obvious to all; as should your reason for talking of it only under alcohol abuse - caused by your being overwhelmed by it. Love yourself, you deserve it. You didn't abuse yourself. Abuse is hard to deal with. Been there, It hurts like hell. You don't have to tell me about the pain, I know, as should anyone on this post. If the pain could just be taken away; as a USMC Vet, I'd do it regardless the cost.

 

[somuchpain]

And if the"edit" actually allowed me to edit at all, I'd have sent a more relevant message. Such is life. Take it and defend your image. Don't let the complete incompetence of a software writing idiot control you. I know you get my inference.