Restoritive Justice

[Meadowsweet]

I just watched a TV program about this. It is where a meeting is arranged between the victim and the perpetrator of a crime.

It is when the perpetrator is in prison and is arranged in a safe environment, and there is preparation counseling before and after.

The victims reported that it was empowering - some because they got to say all the things they wanted to say and explain the wider implications of the crime and how it hurt them, others because they saw an attacker (who had seemed terrifying at the time) as scared, sorry and more vulnerable and human.

Something that eats away at me from the last attack, is that the attacker got away with it completely. He didn't just get away with it from a legal view, but he is still friends with some of the people we both knew, whereas I;ve had to leave because I can't cope. It hurts so much that he has been unaffected by his actions, when I seem to have lost everything there was to lose.

And I do feel that it would make a difference to my life to be able to confront him, and the people who have covered it up and tell them the effects that it has had.

I don't have the support to do that, so it's not a possibility. But I can understand how beneficial restoritive justice can be.

Any thoughts? Would you like to have a controlled meeting with a perpetrator?

 

[Ryn]

I wish I could do this, though I am definitely not in a place where I could right now. And I couldn't anyway because one of my perpetrators is dead and the others I have no clue as to their identities. My best bet now is to hope that they meet their own judgment in the course of fate, since I have no control over it. But I would imagine this could be very fulfilling and provides a sense of closure for a victim.

 

[mamachick]

I was attacked by a police officer, and the law covered it up. There is still a lawsuit going on which is very complicated. But I saw the officer on duty in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago. He was staring at me and nodded hello. After going in the back room and becoming tearful, I walked up to him, was polite, but told him that I have hate in my heart for him that I dont know what to do with, but hope that someday I figure it out because I have never had hate for anyone. He just stood there, did not smirk, did not express regret, just kind of unemotional. Then he got a call to the parking lot. I did not feel better at first, but I realized after a week or so that I could stand up to a police officer in a public place and it was empowering.

 

[anthony]

I think it could have pros and cons. Positive if it all goes well and the perpetrator just takes everything you want to say... negative if the perpetrator then further threatens you or such. You wouldn't know what they're really going to say, before they do so. Some offenders are remorseful, some become hateful and vengeful.

I think it could go either way...

 

[Nebulustrix]

I don't know if this would be helpful for me personally or not... I think if it went well it might help, at least in alleviating some of my fear. My biggest fear is seeing him again. I can handle dealing with triggers that remind me of him and what I went through, but I literally fled my situation and have not seen or had any interaction with him sense. I know he was capable of killing me, and I still fear he may some day come looking for me to kill me and kidnap my son. Would a confrontation help me overcome that fear? .... I don't know.

I do know that it would be very hard. That it would bring all my terror back to the surface with a strength even my worst flashback cannot match. Just thinking about the possibility sets my heart racing and fills me with a desire to search out his public online information to get tabs on his whereabouts and reassure myself that he's still far away, and search out everything about myself that he might think of to search to reassure myself that he can't find me.

I sometimes think that a good, safe confrontation might be the only way to really fully recover from the trauma, but I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could handle the terror his presence would instill in me. I don't think I could follow through.

 

[Hashi]

I've worked in criminal justice in the UK. While there's a lot of positive publicity about restorative justice, there are two things that aren't often mentioned.

One is that the offenders taking part are only those who have already shown willing to apologise. This gets around the possible issues that @anthony points out, of the offender still being hateful and perhaps threatening. It also gives the impression that a meeting with the target of their crime is what turns offenders around, when it's more that they are in a small number who have already turned their thoughts around to some extent before the meeting.

The other is that sometimes the offender's remorse can be quite short term. During the restorative justice programme (before, during and for a while after the meeting) the offender can be swept up with the process. I'm afraid to say I think they're encouraged by a sense of being the hero of the hour, even though it seems to be the opposite, because they see so much positive reaction to their remorse. I'm sure that most offenders doing this are genuine in one way or another while they're doing it, but for some it's more like a different way to channel intense feelings for a while. It's a different way to feel powerful in a life where they feel frustrated by perceived powerlessness. It sometimes doesn't stick. It sometimes isn't a lasting change.

There are a number of offenders in this process who make long term changes. My observation of that is that they were on this road anyway and also that their crimes tend to be less personally directed or hate-filled - particularly burglary and mugging. I don't associate successful long term effects of restorative justice with the kind of crimes that I've experienced. That can happen but it's the exception rather than the rule.

Restorative justice is quite a big thing in the criminal justice sector because there's such a positive response to it from the public - and the justice system doesn't often get good publicity. But it's very self selecting and tends to be measured in the short term, hence the apparently good statistics around it.

I doubt that my perpetrators would go anywhere near this kind of meeting, but if they did I wouldn't trust it anyway. The last thing I would want is crocodile tears from them, even if they thought they meant them at the time.

I think the only way to heal is within myself, for myself. In cases where the perpetrators are brought to justice and/or show remorse I can see that would be healing. But I think healing can't be dependent on getting anything from the perpetrators. Partly because I might never get it, or I might not get my picture of it. Mostly because then they would still have power over me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Some offenders are remorseful, some become hateful and vengeful.

Yes. The perpetrator does have to agree to the meeting, so they are not forced to do it. I guess they have some preparation counseling too. I think the idea is, that if they have chosen to participate, then they are less likely to turn nasty.

I sometimes think that a good, safe confrontation might be the only way to really fully recover from the trauma, but I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could handle the terror his presence would instill in me.

I think this is a serious consideration for people with PTSD. I like the idea that I would stand there and say all the things I want to say. But it is a possibility that I would dissociate, be unable to speak or move and just stand there shaking until someone removed me from the situation. I can see that that would be very damaging, because all that would have happened would be that I showed him the power he had over me still.

@Hashi, I recognise that the other side of this process is the hope that the perpetrator will stop offending if they know the effect on their victims. From a criminal justice position, of course they have to think about that. But I think the victim needs to be doing it for their own healing alone - let others worry about whether the criminal mends his ways or not.

Like @brat17 said, sometimes it can be beneficial to know that you have faced that person and this time, they had no power over you. In the case of rape or physical violence, we live with the feeling that that person has power over us, long after they've gone. So I think that is where the healing could come. Just to say, I had the power to face him and to walk away. It's not about his response, but about your own actions.

But with this in mind, I wonder how it effects people who have requested a restorative justice meeting, and had the perpetrator refuse it. That perhaps adds to the powerlessness of the situation.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I doubt that my perpetrators would go anywhere near this kind of meeting, but if they did I wouldn't trust it anyway. The last thing I would want is crocodile tears from them, even if they thought they meant them at the time. I think the only way to heal is within myself, for myself. In cases where the perpetrators are brought to justice and/or show remorse I can see that would be healing. But I think healing can't be dependent on getting anything from the perpetrators. Partly because I might never get it, or I might not get my picture of it. Mostly because then they would still have power over me.

Amen Hashi.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

If my abusers went to prison I hope they all share the same cell. LOL Humorous befitting justice! A meeting with them is pointless. They know who they are and what they have done. And not just to me. My grandpa is dead. What I wouldn't give to ask him one question! "The police don't listen to who?" I would send my brother a cake..a chocolate one. LOL My sister and her sadistic friend...what else but a orange dress! LOL My mother. I will ask her if she is proud of herself now.

On the more productive side. Someday I hope our justice system will provide intense therapy for offenders. What happened to me is senseless. Humanity can do much better!

 

[mamachick]

My circumstances are very unusual and I think far from the norm. I had met the cop in the past in a work environment, he was very friendly, maybe even flirtatious. This time I met him when I asked a male house guest to leave and he insisted I was someone he had arrested in the past. Even thought everyone knew how wrong this was, he remained on the force. He may have been disciplined but if so, it was confidential and I doubt it. I felt safe in this environment, but even so, he was not going to admit any wrong doing, maybe professionally and personally too. His reaction was a bit uncomfortable is best I could describe. But I knew that he knows that he was way out of line-or I sensed this. At least he was human enough to not become angry and make a scene or wail his power around as he did in private.

 

[Hashi]

@Meadowsweet, I get what you're saying about wanting to do it as your own action.

I think you've then said what I would respond - what if your reaction to the situation wasn't what you hoped. Or what if the offender wouldn't take part.

I do wonder how it would feel to say all the things you wanted to say, and not get a reaction that felt validating in any way - perhaps the opposite. If they clearly had no intention of mending their ways (and therefore no remorse or regret), I would think it would be likely to be unnerving or triggering rather than empowering.

To me, if their reaction is of no importance it's almost a circular proposition. To be strong enough to calmly face a non-regretful, non-remorseful, unreceptive perpetrator who had so much power over you, and speak your truth, regardless of their reaction... wouldn't you have to already be more healed?

I think we're more likely to find healing in other ways.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not have the courage to do something like that because of lack of remorse, denial and cult thinking.

I understand the need for closure is so huge. I want that in my life too, but my abusers are so toxic and unsafe I could never do it. Too much damage has been done to me and frankly it would mess me up more.

A lot of people had good things to say and I wish you the best in this situation.