Relationship Retired Army Sgt - Recent Rage And Alcohol Absue

[Sweetpea76]

Here's the kicker... my vet and I have the same degree! Same degree, same major... he's still a dick about it.

How does that even happen??

I think he has a bug up his butt because I went to a better school and had more academic success than he did. This behavior didn't start until after I redid my resume and he proofread it and saw my transcripts.

 

[PTSD-GF]

I don't understand this "Extreme Dick" mode that gets flipped on. About degrees, or house cleaning, or not being able to find something (that he lost). What is that? Can one of you ladies explain that to me at all?

 

[Sighs]

In my (non-expert) opinion, its an amygdala hijack. Have you watched the supporter's video series? You should be able to find it at the top of the Supporters Relationships Forum. It has a great explanation of how the amygdala overrides the rational part of the brain. Take for example the lost item. For my vet, a lost item means that he physically experiences a reaction that goes something like this - Lost item = people die. His whole body is flooded with adrenaline. Have you ever had a near miss car accident and a few seconds later felt the adrenaline flood your system?

So if I have lost the item he is furious because my carelessness means people may die. If he has lost the item its even worse because I lost item = people die because of me. When the item is unimportant - and lets face it - in civilian life its all pretty much unimportant - can be lived without or can be replaced then the reaction is out of all proportion. But if for example the item is a key which unlocks part of a mortar so that it can be fired and the lads are taking fire and precious seconds are ticking away while Numpty searches his pockets for the f*cking key... We still have spare mortar keys in our garage. My vet can't get rid of them. He knows its mad. But he always carried several spares in case his mortarmen misplaced theirs. And he just can't bear to throw them away now. (He's been out for 6 years... )

 

[Sweetpea76]

Extreme dick mode happens because these guys can't crumple up into a corner, burst into tears, or have a melt down under stress.

Well, not so much as "can't", as have been trained not to. That training was reinforced in a combat zone. It's ingrained in there pretty deep.

Like I said earlier, in flight, fight, or freeze situations (like the amygdala hijack @Sighs was talking about), a lot of combat vets are going to be likely to fight.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

Well, Ladies I will offer the other side. I am a combat vet and I am a army brat to boot. My own father was in 22 years an for 5 of those years waa drill sarge. I have done almost everything that PTSD GF boyfriend has done to you. If he is anything like I was and at times still am, when he is talking about leaving you, he isn't good enough for you, an etc. He is thinking about suicide. Or I was and still do at times. That you as his FG would be better off without him. A drill sarge is use to ordering recruits to do everything they want and getting it. THERE WAY OR THE HIGHWAY AN PUSHUPS. They as instructors are to take a civilian an make them do as ordered, no matter what the order is. So in the civilian world it is hard for them to see to except that people think for themselves an can have different opinions then them. I am still that way myself one reason I have lost two promotions at work. Another thing they can't stand and again I have to fight very hard is answering to a much younger person. In the military with age comes rank for most people so the younger people are below you in rank so you tell them what to do.

Think about it this way. The main job of a drill sarge is to take a new civilian recruit and turn him into a killer/person that does what he is told do matter what. An I truly mean no matter what. In basic training, they have to digging holes an then filling them up and then digging them again until you do it without thinking about it so that you learn to do as told for any order given. So that when you are told to shot the enemy, you do it without questioning why.

So if you truly love him, then you have to look at what made him the way he is. You have to get into his past with him an see what made him have his PTSD. Was it a combat situation, or does he blame himself for a recruit dying or quitting basic. You have to get him into a place that he tells you what is bent up inside an where the rage is coming from. I can also see, I think, that you are a perfectist yourself. O I think I see it in the words that you write. Most likely it is the little things that drive him crazy it is for me. My wife crunching ice or back talking me under her breath sends me over the edge sometimes. When if she would just get in my face about what she is mad about I can handle that because I know what she was mad about an what she is saying. A drill sarge world is super clean and orderly because he has to train others to be that way. a messy table or desk or floor would send them into a screaming fit at the recruit in basic so they learn to do as told an have a super clean world when not in basic.

Well I hope I was not too long winded. I could go on for hours. An yes my wife of almost 37 years is use to the drill sarge in me not that I was one but I was raised by one, an am a lot like my old man.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So if you truly love him, then you have to look at what made him the way he is.

They're combat vets. With combat PTSD. With all due respect, we know what made them the way they are.

I can also see, I think, that you are a perfectist yourself. O I think I see it in the words that you write. Most likely it is the little things that drive him crazy it is for me. My wife crunching ice or back talking me under her breath sends me over the edge sometimes. When if she would just get in my face about what she is mad about I can handle that because I know what she was mad about an what she is saying.

There are some points here that need addressed.

A spouse being passive aggressive, or participating in a two way argument is one thing. Being on the receiving end of lashing out behavior is another. You don't need to participate. You don't need to provoke. You just need to be there to be the target for it to happen. This is rage bubbling over. This is unmanaged stress. There isn't a thing that we've done to deserve it. We're not even the cause of it most of the time. We're the target because we're the closest one there.

Secondly, getting into an aggressive combat veteran's face when he is lashing out is pretty much the worst thing you can do. Period. It's like throwing gasoline on a fire.

 

[Buttercup]

Oh man...this is something of a topic Sweetpea and Phantom Shadow have brought up in this thread.

I was in the Army for nearly 7 years, and when I read PTSD GF's comment about her vet being a former drill sgt., I got it right away. They are tough characters, combat or no combat. You absolutely MUST listen to these guys and they strike the fear of God in you. If they don't, you will definitely not make it in the military. If he were a Marine drill, even more so!

Now put him in an IT environment??? Of which I have a lot of experience with because I also used to work in the tech industry. TOTALLY different world. My ex-husband is a techie in the IT industry and we just did not mesh well partly due to the complete conflict in character.

My vet now also recently retired and works in the tech industry and he has brought up a lot of issues surrounding this. He has problems understanding and relating and gets very inflexible with these guys, and so far he has been successful in this. I hope it lasts!

I am saying that I see both sides and I see your vet PTSD GF going through a very tough time. I would maybe acknowledge Phantom Shadow's comment that maybe he is on the edge here. Can you help him and how could you? I have no idea. This is just a perspective to think about.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

They're combat vets. With combat PTSD. With all due respect, we know what made them the way they are...

Well I would have to say It worked for me. My wife after a long time stood up to me about the screaming and the drinking one night. An when I actually calmed down I actually realized what I was doing. I could not see it. Her standing up to me and my love for her plus the way I was brought up that you never hit a woman made me sit down out of shock I guess. But I was just saying what made me start to change. Sorry If you can't understand that but that works for some. Just make sure there is a table or something between you then.

 

[Buttercup]

I also want to add - he knew you had an art degree, but you also knew he is a retired drill sgt. Maybe you didn't fully get what that entails and maybe there is a bit of that opposites attract thing going on. I don't condone his behavior at all and he definitely needs to get a grip. It's all just so complex and only you can make the decision if you are willing to stick by him and put up with this. He is definitely going through an extreme situation in his life right now, that's all I can say about what you've written. He needs help for sure.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm not a combat vet, and I'm a PTSD sufferer, female. So basically, I have no business in this thread, but I do have an analysis that might help.

He is painting himself into a corner and I swear it's like self-sabotage.

Close, I think. Everything you describe sounds like classic cry-for-help behavior. He is unable to ask for help, for whatever reason (and I would expect the military psychology comes into this, along with assumptions about what it means to be a man) - so, because he can't ask, he is creating situations where help will be forced on him; or, something will break and change and maybe that will give him relief. It's not consciously manipulative - it's a bit like how a drowning person becomes incredibly dangerous to rescue, because they will most likely not accept that the danger is passed, and can drown the person helping them.

@Sighs said, amygdala hijack - and that's a big part of it, specifically for PTSD. However, this kind of behavior happens to people who suffer from all kinds of mental illnesses. They are at the extreme end of having a brain that is malfunctioning, there is something that inhibits their ability to go limp and ask for help, so instead they flail and flail until something happens.

Because he's untreated, he's got no skills to apply to help himself. That's where the self medicating comes in, with alcohol. The rage is a way of releasing a lot of pent up shit. And you are the target because on some level he knows you are the one who will force the change. But, since it's spilled over into the workplace, he's just as likely to flail in public now, which could result in any number of things that probably wouldn't actually help him get help. Getting into a bar fight (for example) will just get him fined, and feeling worse.

He needs mental health intervention, and I'd say, he needs it now.

So if you truly love him, then you have to look at what made him the way he is. You have to get into his past with him an see what made him have his PTSD.

Nope. This is what a treatment team does. @PTSD-GF is his partner, not his therapist, not his psychiatrist, not his doctor - and she's not him.

He needs to be willing to look at where his illness comes from. He needs to get into his past, with a trained clinician, and break apart that PTSD. What @PTSD-GF can do, maybe, is help him see that it's time to see a doctor. It's time to work on this.

Hopefully, he will be willing to listen and try. I don't know any good ideas for how to pull that one off. I know from doing intervention with mentally ill members of my family that underneath all that lashing out is a whole lot of terror. It's a horrible thing, to not have control of your mind, and to have it affect your actions. It feels like shit, too. But whether someone is ready to just break and admit they have a big problem...I don't know how to know.

@PTSD-GF - the other thing you need to do is think about how to take care of yourself. Try and not be the bargaining chip - "I'll leave you if you don't get help" works sometimes, I think, but definitely not always - and even when it works, it can come back and bite you in the ass.

Can you try and talk straight with him?

 

[Sighs]

@Phantom Shadow - how exactly is the table supposed to help? I'm 5ft and weigh 59kgs. My vet is 5'11" and weighs 85kgs. Oh yes, he's also trained to kill. Getting in his face and escalating his aggression seems like a really good way to get seriously hurt.

 

[dulcia]

@PTSD-GF and @Sweetpea76, I think it may be a civilian bashing things from a "you don't deserve it" stand point. I paid for my education with student loans, he paid for his education in blood, sweat, tears, etc. So I, therefore, am seen as inferior despite having two degrees and him still working on one. Because I didn't put my life on the line for it. (Not that that's why he joined, but he earned it with his service.)

Twice I have mirrored my vets behavior when mad (aggressive, yelling, screaming, irrational) and twice I've gotten bruises to show for it. In my experience, if I match him in that way, it's as if something switches to "all systems go" as if he is now given the go ahead to not hold back...and that is a very scary thing to be on the receiving end of. As a female partner to a combat vet with PTSD, I would never recommend that sort of response.