Retraumatized

[Froggie]

Hello Shattered,

I too have had to put a distance with some family members as they were narcissic manipulators and would become physically violent. I even sent them a formal demand to stay away from me and my kids. BTW, kids ask questions at all ages ... my 4 kids are in their 30s and are still asking questions. Wishing you the best of luck, and will give you some advice .... going to the chat room will do you some good to vent out privately with another member.

 

[Jacquie]

Shattered your best friend was conned. Dont forget these maniacs are adept liars, and somehow get off on removing close relationships and leaving you isolated. Try not to see what your friend did as a normal conscious decision. They decide on what they are shown. They dont know the other parts of it. Thats why our own fear kicks in. We know! But nobody believes it in the face of the deception and 'innocent' act.

What's the solution? I dont know. I have found honesty is normally no match for deception. But I do know the 'aim of it' is to destroy the friendship between the 2 of you. And you yourself sabotaging it out of fear and betrayal. The abusers know that. Your friend will be confused. They look innocent. Hey she did it.

My only advice would be, hang in there on the edges until something happens to sow that seed of doubt in your friend's mind. The talk to her, and try not to hang a guilt trip on her so she runs. You win. The abusers didnt destroy another one and sit back and laugh.

If you cant 'talk' without getting emotional. Write letters. Baked a cake today, the sun was shining, think I'll wash my hair. Normal stuff. Not the subject. Normal stuff. Maintain contact in a safe but not connected to all this way.

((hug))

 

[Nissa F]

This is a narcisstic mother - like the one I have. When I was in college (about 19) she used ( I don't keep much contact with her now) to talk to my friends without my knowledge and ask them to coax me into doing things that she wants. Talk about being sick and manipulative. I'll never get my kids close to her for she will do exactly the same. Its unfortunate, but I am hoping your daughter will see the light. I can understand how this betrayal can pain you. The only thing that help me when I am in a situation like this is refocus on myself and do something to nurture that part of me that is is hurt - start with small things. I pray for you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Shattered))))

I understand and am so sorry you are facing this. You are being very brave. I hope you can see that.

Our loved ones who don't see the sickness in others (yet) are basing their contact with the 'good front' they see...and although it may feel like a rejection of you, chances are..it's not. It's far more likely they just don't know.

I'd suggest radical self-care, gathering more info...if there's no urgency that is actually actionable AND within your power...and keeping the lines of communication open with those you do care to keep a relationship with.

The sick ones cannot stay hidden for long, and though you can not see how this may play out...little will be helped by you becoming destabilized.

Sending you wishes for rest, discernment, comfort....and hope.

Hope still lives in your future, despite this awful news.

Hope still lives on in you.

 

[Dani]

I see your strength, things WILL get better. They must.

 

[Jacquie]

Has anyone here had this said to them?
"Dont say things like that about your mother!"

People who actually do have...a mother. A real one. Caring and nurturing, dont get it. And when we speak out they themselves turn on us too.

Speak your truth quietly anyway. Never ever retreat into the silent prison of feeling unable to say, no matter what the reaction. And ask this question of 'them'. If person or stranger A B or C (here is the key) DID (not is) these things to you, would you want them as a friend? Or would you stay away from them?

Focus their attention on what they DID rather than say what they ARE (perceived as our own opinion)

I dont know why society has this thing going on where if it makes THEM feel uncomfortable just to 'hear it' they throw the blame back on the person who lived it, which is one heck of a lot worse than just hearing about it.

Say it anyway. But quietly and when not upset. Thats when it all comes out wrong and we describe our emotions instead of 'what they actually did'.

Aint it a strange world we live in? And isnt this forum a godsend?

 

[Shattered]

DNA does not a relationship make.

 

[Nase]

She chose my abuser.
I can't breathe, eat, sleep. I cry all the time and feel like I'm constantly going to vomit. I don't know if I will survive this hat-trick of betrayal..

You are a joy to have met today! You are never alone on this forum. I identify with mother being main abuser; inviting her husband to abuse me (no details here) and continuing her sickness. I have cut them out before; decided to forgive and let her back in...she stabbed me again. The first pain sucks. When they know you know their sickness and pretend to have changed, but openly betray again...so many emotions and little to say on that one. I also have lost one of my children into the blackhole of deception built by abusers. Just trying to say we are all in here...we have eachother.