Relationship Rhino Skin, Brick Walls, Water Off A Duck's Back?!

[Nicolette]

Faith Hill's song It Matters to Me (and yes it can apply the other way round as a man saying it to a woman with PTSD) really hits home with me.

I ponder what is the best option in dealing with PTSD as the Supporter in the relationship as yes you do need the skin of a Rhino but once on it doesn't just drop off when they come back around. How do you suddenly reconnect emotionally and physically when someone has just been mean, distant or totally ignorant of your very presence for days?

Brick walls, I've tried those... built them as a child, teenager and they got higher as an adult. Wow, they take some work pulling down and they definitely do not come with an up or down switch.

Water off a duck's back... maybe? Just let it all slide but then you have to wary of keeping up boundaries, not enabling by ignoring or getting on a huge rollercoaster ride.

I wish this illness had a way to deal with it without having to learn or use coping skills which we really don't deserve - just like they don't deserve PTSD.

Does love conquer all? No, not with PTSD. They don't know why their suffering is what it is, how and why it impacts on us but turn the table and have a crap day and they sometimes have no comprehension how insignificant that is to them being ill and tell us we are being unreasonable, mean, moody...... hello! Wow that sounds like them when sick. Catch 22 I guess as it works the other way when a Supporter cannot comprehend how someone (with PTSD) who says they love you can be so distant, mean or just out of control.

Sometimes we hurt and I wish their was a way to turn the emotions off for the moments off PTSD without losing touch....... someone hand us all an on/off switch please.

I don't know......just thinking out loud.


It Matters To Me lyrics

Baby tell me where'd you ever learn
To fight without sayin' a word
Then waltz back into my life
Like it's all gonna be alright
Don't you know how much it hurts

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Maybe I still don't understand
The distance between a woman and a man
So tell me how far it is
And how you can love like this
'Cause I'm not sure I can

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

elyrics.net

 

[Eleanor]

Thinking about this too - I realized (old news to him of course) that I can't relax around him. Spent the morning talking - a good connecting talking and by 2 PM felt exhausted - because I was tense and on alert the whole time :(.

No answers, but I second the question... What to do?

 

[sisu]

Sadly, there probably is no real good answer. I suppose we all do the best we can with what we have. It's so hard sometimes because like most, I've been very hurt in the past. It's hard not to build those steel reinforced walls when they do something hurtful.

 

[Toria]

No answers here either - but I will freely admit that my walls are well and truly up and if I don't find a way of getting them back down then Husband and I could be in trouble.

I too cannot relax around him. He will say something hurtful, then two minutes later go to grab hold of me (in a nice way not a hurtful way) and I will just freeze because I still have the hurtful words going around in my head. I don't see the man anymore I see the illness and that is so wrong.

I come in at night and expect him to go off on a rant about how everyone has been out to get him all day (not in a paranoid kind of way - don't worry!) and expect it to last and then expect him not to ask about my day. I am used to living my life in emotional isolation and I hate it. But if I let him in it hurts.

I used to have a saying before I met Husband - if you don't get your hopes up you can never be disappointed. I abandoned it when I met him as it didn't seem necessary anymore... unfortunately it's starting to come in useful once more.

Sorry - going off at a tangent now...

PS - just downloaded the song - it is beautiful x

 

[Eleanor]

I had to stop listening to country music - I used to when we got together and had such high hopes for the kind of life we were building. Now it just seems... cruel. Even the happy songs make me cry.

Toria, I could have written every word of what you said. I struggle so hard to separate the man from the illness - but that is a double edged sword because it makes it harder for me to set boundaries - I tolerate more than I can afford to.

This weekend I decided to stop tolerating the bad stuff - cutting me off in a conversation, barking orders at me, expecting me to drop everything to take care of him. I'm just not going to do it - these are bad habits he has gotten into, that I have LET him develop. I am going to respond every time. If he gets triggered, well, that's his burden. He can be pleasant and polite to other people even in a full blown episode. There is no reason for him to be rude to me when he is in a hurry or feeling stressed. I don't know how it will turn out. I know my H loves me, and wants to get better. And he will have to do the work to get better.

I also know I have a "martyr" script "No one ever appreciates me. I work so hard and never ask for anything, and no one helps me. When I ask, no one responds." Blah blah blah. It is not really true - but it feels true when it gets going. I have had to really clamp down on it in order not to engage with my H when he is in an episode. The solution - my T tells me - is internal in any case - to appreciate and take care of myself, to ask for help (as a form of self care, no matter how others respond) and to accept help when it is offered. I struggle with doing things to care for myself - like EVERY DAY....

 

[amethist]

After reading all your posts, I dont think I have a right to complain about how PTSD effects my husband, as I see more and more of the the man I married coming back to me.

If he snaps at me he is told to pull his neck in. If he has a go at me because he is having a bad day, he is told to cut the crap, get his head out of his butt and to deal with it. If he carries on, out of the door I go. If he is feeling rough, he is asked what is he going to do about it, knowing he has to do something positive, as isolating in bed is not an option anymore, unless he is really bad.

No more brick walls, no walking on egg shells, but the Rhino skin is still in tact, just in case.

I wish you could all feel like I do right now.

 

[Eleanor]

I am taking the page out of your book Amethist. It is so so terribly hard for me to do - I grew up in a family that practiced accomodation. But in this case that means walking on eggshells, and I just won't do it any more. I don't know if he can manage if I don't - so many things are triggers for him that are just ordinary domestic life (because both his parents and one step parent were his abusers.) But I guess if he can't get it under control then there is no hope anyway ... I literally cannot live like this, and I won't either.

I think you have a right to complain tho. You've both worked it out to how the PTSD will be managed so he doesn't wreak havoc, and he relies on your limits to manage it. That takes a lot from you, I'm guessing. It also seems to be the pattern that the long term successful relationships follow. So if that's what I have to do, that's what I'll do. I have a lot of confidence in my H that he will get it under control, and know that he can control it (because I've seen him do it, with others.) I am afraid it will be a rocky rocky road from here to there tho....:(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My hat is off to all of the supporters. You have a extra supply of compassion. Anyone with ptsd can learn manners, I heard once in a al-anon meeting, that you are in the danger zone if you are telling yourself, If I can just get through this, over and over.

What I learned with my husband was that he was a bully. Of me. I was the perfect victim so our kids were exposed to many, many fights, which had their effects on our kids. That was not the life I wanted. It took me forever to learn that I had to stand my ground and not put up with his crap anymore. How much better our lives would have been if I had known that lesson from the beginning. I sure wish I had access to this forum back then.

But better late than never. It still happens once in a blue moon, but I am strong and stand my ground. I still get all of the familiar feelings, about what a cruel streak this amazing man has when It comes to me. But it does not last very long, and he comes around. He is not allowed to bully me anymore. I was not doing that to him.

I had to get tough. I had to get strong. It took awhile. But things are so much better. He never dealt with his ptsd. But he has fine manners now. I know he loves me. When he is really triggered, he is a real bastard. But he does not get triggered as much. He worries about stuff now. I try to be a source of comfort to him. I tell him good things. But I can not stop him from worrying.

Now as his caregiver, he is so dependent on me. I do everything. He still cleans house and helps around here. He is still functional. It is too late to say he has to go to therapy. he sees a psychiatrist every 6 months. That is working for us. We sure have been through hell and back. How I wish I was not such a perfect victim. I did not know the blessings of limits and boundries on him. Well that is my opinion and my thoughts. I guess I got lucky. We do love each other very, very much. Things are so pleasant between us now. It just took some hard work, being strong and refusing to be intimidated. I am grieved that our fights messed up our kids. But my daughter is doing ok. She is a good wife and mother. She is a good daughter.

But before my son was killed he was out of control. A raging alcoholic. Bi-polar and untreated. He was a real basket case, and was going down hill fast. We did that to our son through our fights. They had effects.My heart grieves for how we screwed him up, even though he would tell me no one was twisting his arm and making him be that way. It just was so very sad.

 

[Eleanor]

Oh gizmo,:cry:. Thank you so much for telling me that. I am so terribly grateful for the gift of your experience - although I could never condone the cost of it to you and your family. I feel like I get another line of steel in my backbone from you and Amethist and Nicolette (and everyone else on the other threads too! I started writing the list but it is awfully long! So I stopped - what a strange kind of "embarrassment of riches" it is.:inlove: ) This pattern just needs to stop, and I can stop it. I can't control what happens next, but I can stop this pattern by not playing any more.

I will make a list of the behaviors I won't tolerate. I will make a list of needs that we both need to have regularly met that we can both remind ourselves of. I will be consistent in refusing to tolerate bad behavior. I will work hard to refuse in a neutral way, and remove myself (if I cannot have him remove himself from the situation.) I will do the only job I can to help us get out of this pit, which is to take care of me and protect L. I will take care of myself first. I will be gentle with myself when I screw up.:confused:

Now I am going to listen to my stress reduction CD:) Then I might just go to the gym.​

 

[sisu]

I have to say I typically practice the "water off a ducks back" method ~ and then when he feels better we talk about it. My boyfriend doesn't usually get angry or yell, but he will at times of stress overload be physically present but not mentally. He goes into his head and forgets about those around him when the stress becomes too much. I don't have too much of a problem with this because he will still make contact with me however its at a decreased rate...BUT, I just wish that I wouldn't have to be the one to recognize the signals. I wish he could just TELL ME he is feeling stressed and will be hunkering down a bit. Even if I ask him if he is stressed, depressed or whatever - he will say no, I'm just tired. But AFTER the episode is over and we finally talk about it he will admit the problem. Its like he thinks not saying what he is feeling is somehow hiding it. But I'm here to tell you mister - I can see it all over you, so there is no need to pretend. (Sorry - we are going through one of those times right now.) Gotta get back into "duck mode" :tup:

 

[Nicolette]

Like Amethist I don't take any crap but there are times when being tough it still hurts emotionally and I feel myself pull away a little. I have had 5 years experience with the PTSD and have learned a lot and become tough. That being said; some days are not too good and that's why I shared my thoughts. There are good days but some times are tough when external factors are at play that just compound - when we are both stressed.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

I have also put my foot down. I do not tolerate her taking out her anger on me. I do not accept her lying to me, and trust runs both ways. The eggshells have been swept out the door.

It is working, slowly. She is starting to think about the consequences of her words and actions on our relationship. Every now and again she needs a gentle reminder.

What I use to protect myself, and my emotions, against the negatives? I think perhaps I have learned to make the rhino-skin semi-permeable. It lets good in, but keeps bad out. Its not perfect yet, I don't think it will ever be. But its about as good as its going to get. And I can live with that.