Ritual Abuse

[Okuw]

I can't seem to express how awkward it is. I mean we are old friends, going back to sharing a baby bottle at church.

We got sexually abused together once, that I remember. Maybe it happened more and I don't remember.

It is super awkward for me, personally, because I have huge memory gaps.

Feels like when I'm around people from that part of my past: What do they know that I don't know?!?

I am at a huge disadvantage, very vulnerable state I'm in with flashbacks. I am avoiding people from that time of my childhood because of it. I have no clue what happened. Also, I was taken out of the country, she was taken to another state. We didn't see each other for decades. Now, its just so sad to find out that all this stuff I repressed happened to them, too. It's a grief I honestly cannot handle and not break down in front of them or start shaking kind of thing.

Last time I saw her, it was tense, but cordial. We both made such SMALL talk because really there is little else now. I have children, she can't have any due to her husband's sterility. They don't want to adopt. We have nothing in common. The past is not safe to discuss. It's eggshells out there.

We tried to connect over her life now with her old house she's fixing up, her job she quit with the Salvation Army. But she asked that question again. I told her my dad SA me, and her response was "pray and read your Bible." Which I found odd given the severe cult abuse at the church we went to. It was a chilling response for me. I literally don't know how to take a message like that from someone in their 40s.

Seems like a childish response the way she said it, invalidating? Unable to respond in a personal way? A cop out? A genuine response given that it is how she copes? I just don't know how to get my needs met in the relationship, what's left, and I want to be a kind person.

I guess I will let it rest and just try to be there for her in the future in any way I can be.

 

[Oniwi]

"The past is not safe to discuss"?

Is that your feeling? Or her feeling? Or something you agreed together?

How would it be for you if it were safe to discuss? If you could share this recovery journey?

My sister has made it clear that I am never to discuss how we were abused as kids. If she ever changed her mind on that, it would be hard to bring up at first, but for me it would be worth it...

 

[Okuw]

It appears it is not safe to discuss more on her part than on mine. Yeah. I haven't asked her if it is. Her way of speaking all these years shows me that nothing is safe to discuss directly in her world.

There are so many secrets in the dysfunctional culture we were raised in.

I'm of the opinion that girls raised in the Baptist religion in the NW of USA, from my experience, in the 70s-80s, were taught early on to only say nice things or nothing at all.

My mother said we had to be "sweet" at all times. We were not allowed to be anything else in front of anyone.

I have asked others if their mothers have also said that, for that is how they act, and they say "No." But they act as if they were given the same expectation, in an less direct way perhaps and via modeling.

At any rate, church girls are taught early to lie and be dishonest in the sense of never talking about anything unpleasant. Most of life is unpleasant. So they hide most of their lives from other people.

And it hurts me that I am not on the trusted inner circle but don't know how to get there with these types.

I don't see myself as a church girl anymore because to hell with it. I'm sick of the pretending and want to grow up already. I cannot relate to them anymore. No, they didn't all have sexual abuse but I can't believe their lives are as perfect as they pretend. And if they can't be open and allow it, then I guess I'm not interested in wondering what they think the rest of my life.

In this case, though, I think I have a special regard for this oldest friend of mine and always have, because, I just love her. We were just friends since the beginning. She has always held my "1st best friend" place in my heart, even though, I grew bored waiting for her to be less of an introvert.

I've given up looking for this kind of friendship that I want with a woman as an adult and have it with my husband instead. I think that this is part of life, but also a flaw in our culture, as mentioned above. And I think society is unfavorable to women being too close, not due to homophobia or anything, just to divide and conquer or to want her to be fully dedicated to family, not friends, as if that is childish.

I don't know. I don't know what normal is.

 

[Idevi]

Her way of speaking all these years shows me that nothing is safe to discuss directly in her world.

What about choosing a different medium altogether?
Something indirect, or something where being symbolic is acceptable / part of that arts, something that doesn't read 'power' to either her or you and doesn't carry negative past connotations, and talking trauma through that medium, something new, exploratory, and hopefully also at parts fun?

What about inserting cute & gentle & very kidstuff soothing times to any little bit of shared trauma memories, as well?
I think there's been a thread recently about that, kid stuff seriously helps to process trauma & catch a new breath and direction.

 

[Okuw]

I can't meld fun and trauma into the same personality much less conversation or art concept. It makes me dark. I'm shot through dark anyway. This would require a level of integration that is still unknown to me, unimaginable. That's probably why I'm in the boat I'm in. And her, too.

She's an artist. We both have art sides. So I think you could be picking up that yes, we could speak through art.

I think she had an exhibition of some kind, and I could ask to see some images.

Thank you for that. It's a start. :)

 

[Okuw]

OP here

On a related note, my sister and I have had migraines, which is clearly linked to the PTSD stress cups.

However, my flashbacks of the torture with electrocution feels very like a migraine. When the FB came over me, at first I thought I was having a migraine only. Didn't know it was the FB until I was reliving the "movie" visuals that went with it and the emotions, memories, etc. Just not a fun ride, as you can well imagine. I can hardly remember the FB. It was that bad, I had to dissociate it. :(

Anyway, I am wondering if my sister's massive migraines are really FBs. She was only 3 at the time if it happened to her. Less likely to have anything other than body memories for the abuse. :(