I've been here all morning sitting in my head with my thoughts... and then it dawned on me that maybe it would be just best if I sat here and let my thoughts out so I don't have to hold onto them all day. So here I am.
I hosted a dinner party last night for friends to gather together before the busy holiday season begins. I of course invited my guy since he is finally back from Afghanistan... we are friends, but we are also so much more than just friends - complicated. We have been making some positive progress the past week or two so I held out hope that he would come, but prepared myself for the fact that he most likely wouldn't - which was/is fine because I know he's not in a good place within himself and there really is no pressure. However, even though I was 99% sure he wasn't going to show, I still made certain to keep a place card for him, had an extra chair and plate set aside and prepared the extra things just in case -- stupid stuff like making sure my bedding was all fresh that day, shaved my legs, etc, etc. - you get the drift. I justified it for myself in that "Well, you need to do this stuff anyway, so it's not like you are doing it just for him" but really, let's be real -- I was.
Short story, he didn't show up -- and I still had a great time... but I definitely missed him. And even though I was filled with a room of 30 people who I call my friends - I wasn't able to share that I had a hint of sadness that my guy wasn't there. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't let it distract me... but I find it interesting that I feel so isolated with these feelings... it's just another moment of clarity for me that I do have to find support elsewhere since the feelings in me are so heavy as I wonder what it was that made my guy not be able to show up... but the rest of the people in my life have no clue that he's not there. I mean I don't expect my friends to be aware of it - he's been on deployment for the better part of 4 years, and our relationship has always been very private, so it's nothing new to them... but to me it's like "he's finally home... but he's not here." It's heavy for me because I know he's struggling.
It's also a little difficult because my guy and I share this other mutual friend (let's call him M), but my guy has decided that he doesn't want M in his life anymore. It's been a little bit expected that I not have M in my life anymore either - my guy has never actually said that, but it's a feeling I get and in truth, it's valid - I really shouldn't have M in my life. I'm trying to figure out how to juggle that but I'm not so good at it. I need to figure that out, but that's a different story.
However, it links into this one a little because M and his wife came to my dinner party last night just as they have the past 4 years... I wasn't ready to make the bold statement of not inviting them. M has no idea that my guy wants nothing to do with him but I'm aware of how my guy feels about M and so I just avoid conversation about my guy with M. My guy changed his phone number after coming back from Afghanistan and only gave it out to the people he wanted in his life still. Ugh. I was happy to make the list, but M didn't. M came up to me last night and asked me for his number because he said he had an old one... I didn't expect that to come up in conversation so I wasn't prepared. I just said to M "I'm sorry, I can't give that out." M was obviously bothered by it which was not my intention -- I tried to make it better just by saying that it's not personal, he's just trying to transition back into civilian life, started a new job which he is busy with and to just give him some time to settle in.
But then M just said "Really? He's been back for MONTHS and I've heard nothing from him and you can't give me his number?" Awkward. I just kept my mouth shut -- I felt like I was digging myself into a huge hole because how could I possibly explain that my guy is suffering from PTSD when he told me this in confidence and instructed very clearly that I was to tell NO ONE. It's a big burden to carry -- but I am in a position where I need my guy to trust me and I won't break that confidence because trust is hard for him, and from what I understand, this is characteristic of those with PTSD -- and he only let's me in little by little... it's too fragile and I'm scared that if I make a wrong move, that he'll cut me out for good as well. This scares me because for 12 years, he's known he can always count on me - I'm his go to person... we have a deeper connection that I can even explain -- but once trust is lost, it's lost for good. I cannot fail him now - he needs me more now than ever before.
All of this is running through my head and I'm like "How can I get myself out of this conversation!?"... and then I just said again to M, "He's just busy and settling in right now. I'm sure he'll reach out soon." M then said something that threw me off -- but it was good that he said it, I suppose... he just said "He's busy? I am busy - I've just opened a new business, I have a wife and I just had a baby 6 weeks ago - I am busy! He is SINGLE - he's not busy." Now, this brought two things to my attention - M has really no clue what my guy's life is like in the military and in truth, will probably never understand it and that's okay... it just became clear to me that he doesn't get it. But the thing that hit me the hardest was M saying it flat out, out loud that my guy is single. Ouch. Because in truth, he is single. I'm single. But I sit here and say things like "my guy" because well, he is my guy.
I certainly don't feel like there's no relationship... because there is a relationship... it's just not defined - I'm as invested as anyone is with the official title. I mean, we're going on 12+ years of friendship with these complicated feelings mixed in and I'm here, trying to learn more about this PTSD, feeling the effects of it and taking the brunt of it's brutality. I'm the one seeking ways to help guide him through it without being too forward, without breaking his trust, walking on eggshells to delicately remind him that I'm here, that I love him, that I support him and that he's not alone. But M is right - he's single... So what am I doing here?
On a good day, I know what I'm doing here - but today, I question it. Ugh. I know I will have to move on with my own life at some point -- that's going to be a shitty, shitty day. Trying to hold onto hope that "we" can come out of this stronger, better... and together.
I hosted a dinner party last night for friends to gather together before the busy holiday season begins. I of course invited my guy since he is finally back from Afghanistan... we are friends, but we are also so much more than just friends - complicated. We have been making some positive progress the past week or two so I held out hope that he would come, but prepared myself for the fact that he most likely wouldn't - which was/is fine because I know he's not in a good place within himself and there really is no pressure. However, even though I was 99% sure he wasn't going to show, I still made certain to keep a place card for him, had an extra chair and plate set aside and prepared the extra things just in case -- stupid stuff like making sure my bedding was all fresh that day, shaved my legs, etc, etc. - you get the drift. I justified it for myself in that "Well, you need to do this stuff anyway, so it's not like you are doing it just for him" but really, let's be real -- I was.
Short story, he didn't show up -- and I still had a great time... but I definitely missed him. And even though I was filled with a room of 30 people who I call my friends - I wasn't able to share that I had a hint of sadness that my guy wasn't there. It wasn't overwhelming and I didn't let it distract me... but I find it interesting that I feel so isolated with these feelings... it's just another moment of clarity for me that I do have to find support elsewhere since the feelings in me are so heavy as I wonder what it was that made my guy not be able to show up... but the rest of the people in my life have no clue that he's not there. I mean I don't expect my friends to be aware of it - he's been on deployment for the better part of 4 years, and our relationship has always been very private, so it's nothing new to them... but to me it's like "he's finally home... but he's not here." It's heavy for me because I know he's struggling.
It's also a little difficult because my guy and I share this other mutual friend (let's call him M), but my guy has decided that he doesn't want M in his life anymore. It's been a little bit expected that I not have M in my life anymore either - my guy has never actually said that, but it's a feeling I get and in truth, it's valid - I really shouldn't have M in my life. I'm trying to figure out how to juggle that but I'm not so good at it. I need to figure that out, but that's a different story.
However, it links into this one a little because M and his wife came to my dinner party last night just as they have the past 4 years... I wasn't ready to make the bold statement of not inviting them. M has no idea that my guy wants nothing to do with him but I'm aware of how my guy feels about M and so I just avoid conversation about my guy with M. My guy changed his phone number after coming back from Afghanistan and only gave it out to the people he wanted in his life still. Ugh. I was happy to make the list, but M didn't. M came up to me last night and asked me for his number because he said he had an old one... I didn't expect that to come up in conversation so I wasn't prepared. I just said to M "I'm sorry, I can't give that out." M was obviously bothered by it which was not my intention -- I tried to make it better just by saying that it's not personal, he's just trying to transition back into civilian life, started a new job which he is busy with and to just give him some time to settle in.
But then M just said "Really? He's been back for MONTHS and I've heard nothing from him and you can't give me his number?" Awkward. I just kept my mouth shut -- I felt like I was digging myself into a huge hole because how could I possibly explain that my guy is suffering from PTSD when he told me this in confidence and instructed very clearly that I was to tell NO ONE. It's a big burden to carry -- but I am in a position where I need my guy to trust me and I won't break that confidence because trust is hard for him, and from what I understand, this is characteristic of those with PTSD -- and he only let's me in little by little... it's too fragile and I'm scared that if I make a wrong move, that he'll cut me out for good as well. This scares me because for 12 years, he's known he can always count on me - I'm his go to person... we have a deeper connection that I can even explain -- but once trust is lost, it's lost for good. I cannot fail him now - he needs me more now than ever before.
All of this is running through my head and I'm like "How can I get myself out of this conversation!?"... and then I just said again to M, "He's just busy and settling in right now. I'm sure he'll reach out soon." M then said something that threw me off -- but it was good that he said it, I suppose... he just said "He's busy? I am busy - I've just opened a new business, I have a wife and I just had a baby 6 weeks ago - I am busy! He is SINGLE - he's not busy." Now, this brought two things to my attention - M has really no clue what my guy's life is like in the military and in truth, will probably never understand it and that's okay... it just became clear to me that he doesn't get it. But the thing that hit me the hardest was M saying it flat out, out loud that my guy is single. Ouch. Because in truth, he is single. I'm single. But I sit here and say things like "my guy" because well, he is my guy.
I certainly don't feel like there's no relationship... because there is a relationship... it's just not defined - I'm as invested as anyone is with the official title. I mean, we're going on 12+ years of friendship with these complicated feelings mixed in and I'm here, trying to learn more about this PTSD, feeling the effects of it and taking the brunt of it's brutality. I'm the one seeking ways to help guide him through it without being too forward, without breaking his trust, walking on eggshells to delicately remind him that I'm here, that I love him, that I support him and that he's not alone. But M is right - he's single... So what am I doing here?
On a good day, I know what I'm doing here - but today, I question it. Ugh. I know I will have to move on with my own life at some point -- that's going to be a shitty, shitty day. Trying to hold onto hope that "we" can come out of this stronger, better... and together.
