Rough Therapy Session

[canucklady]

I am not sure what happened today in session. I was filling out disability forms with doctor, she was asking me questions and was getting stressed about the insurance forms. I had talked to insurance adjustor and she made me feel guilty about taking time off work. I feel like I should be going back to work, not staying home. At least part of me feels that way. Then when I think about going back to work, I feel panicky.

Anyway, doctor was asking me about feeling hopeless and feeling suicidal. I said yes sometimes I feel that way. She asked if I had a plan, I said no, she asked if I would tell her if I had a plan....and out of nowhere I said no I wouldn't because that would be a stupid thing to do. The thing is, I don't know where that came from, just like I was watching myself from other side of room, but the words were not really mine.

Anyway, gradrually I came back and grounded myself. Don't really remember much that happened after that. I had to sit in waiting room for awhle before being able to drive.

So then I called doctor to cancel next week's appt...and she answers the phone!!!! She never answer the phone!!! Just my luck. Anyway, she is keeping appt and having me think about it.

It was a very strange session, and I am scared I guess. I should be getting better and have felt better since being off work. But been dissociating more for some reason.

Does this make sense to anyone?

 

[Heather]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel panicky when thinking about going back to work. I also think the "should's" need to stay out of our sentences. If you are not ready, then you are not ready and if you are then that's great too.

Talking about suicidal ideation is always going to raise eyebrows and I think it's a good thing that she answered the phone and is keeping the appointment open for you to come in and explore those feelings that you are having. I think there are definitely things that are going on that NEED to be talked about.

Take care. Heather

 

[cat]

Hi Heather it sounds as if your T touched on a painful subject for you. I felt the same way when my T asked me the same question, I felt offended that she thought I would have suicidal thoughts even though i knew i needed to talk to her about them. Luckily she gently encouraged me talk about them & i realised that no, i didnt have a plan, my thoughts were more out of wanting to be able to switch off & rest for just a short time then come back when i felt stronger.

Dissociation can feel very scary and you are probably experiencing it more because not working is giving you the space to explore your trauma & how you feel emotionally. Dis sometimes serves as a useful escape from our most painful thoughts which i imagine is what happened during your session. Try to keep your next appointment it will help you to understand your thoughts if you are able to discuss them.

 

[canucklady]

I am not used to just sitting at home doing nothing. Plus dealing with insurance companies is causing more stress. I am fighting the urge to just go back to work!!!

Just feels like am losing control and hate that feeling. Especially in session when I get triggered (which is almost all the time now) it is like I am watching therapy session from across the room. Like I can hear my doctor sort of but cant respond to what she is saying. And then get these thoughts from out of nowhere and that freaks me out.