Round and Round in my head

[FauxLiz]

I have this thought, a plan actually for my termination that goes around and around in my head. It will disappear sometimes for weeks or months but it comes back and I am struggling really hard right now. I have always deliberately ensured that I don't have access to the necessary equipment for the plan because when I get like this I can feel, imagine, dream and ruminate on the plan and its result.

Last night I returned home from a work social outing which while not mandatory in my position was required and I was exhausted and this deep depression settled in, worse than it has been in a while. And this plan came back to the forefront circling around in my head telling me how easy it would be, that it would finally all be over and I would be free. I am not going to go out and get the necessary equipment but when I get like this I just want everything to stop. I hate feeling like this, and times like this I wish the mental institutions of 30-50 years ago still existed so that I could just go somewhere and be drugged to the point that I can't think or feel at all. A place to disappear to forever, never leave never be required to function in society. A place where I would get treated like the damaged defect thing that I am and locked away to protect myself and others.

Yeah, I know I should probably reach out to my T or P-doc but I just don't know how to explain to either one of them these thoughts and how much I just want to no longer exist but do so without hurting others.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I wish you would contact your therapist but I'm really glad you posted something here. Maybe we are broken to some extent but that doesn't make you disposable. I know we have our low points like today but somehow we need to march on. Maybe not marching but baby steps with lots of blanket time. You are valuable to me and everyone here.

I don't know if it helps to know but I think about suicide too. I know how it could be done but we don't. We have the thoughts, it's awful to think such hopeless things, but we have to push through that lie. We have to maybe recognize the thought as our messed-up way of dealing. We just need to keep making the right choices. You absolutely have the strength to push on or you wouldn't be here today.

I'm sorry you are at such a low point. Do you have "tools" that help?

?

 

[FauxLiz]

@MrMoonlight thank you for reaching out. It is tough today, I have tools but they don't seem to be helping and others I can't engage in while trying to remain at work. I came in today because a part of my safety plan is to go to work and be around others when I feel like this so that I am not alone and just looking to disappear.

I keep telling myself I have to hold on, my son will be home for spring break in a week. My daughter is on vacation but this is so tempting so seductive to just give in. My T is leaving on vacation for a week today and we haven't established the kind of relationship where I could possibly add the guilt and shame of feeling this way on top of contacting him and potentially impacting his vacation. My P-doc also relatively new I have only seen him 3 times so far and my guess is that he would most likely hospitalize me or worse request a welfare check which would out me to people that work for me and destroy any possible privacy I could have in the workplace.

I am so tired of feeling this way and not being able to find a way out or up.

 

[MrMoonlight]

How old is your son? I guess college age and your daughter?

I mean I really get it, who would want to live our lives, how long can a person suffer. There is no joy or happiness and it's difficult to even imagine anymore. I try to go to my safe place in moments like this. I can see and feel peace there.

I really think there is hope for people like us. I believe following these therapies and pushing is our only way out. I tried the rest and they didn't work. I really put all my blind faith in these things. I think self-care like the word or not has got to become a way of life. We need to live it.

If you can't live for yourself right now it's okay to live for your children. We both know the most important thing for you is to make sure you are safe. You mention going to work is part of your safety plan. Do you mind sharing the other parts?

Your therapist is a professional I'm sure and has strong trained boundaries, you will not affect negatively his vacation. He knows what to do in these situations, that's why we contact them. If you can't get out of this may be brief inpatient care is what we need??

 

[MrMoonlight]

This could be done at work. Good for slowing thoughts.

 

[scout86]

I just don't know how to explain to either one of them

That IS pretty hard, isn't it? When I first started seeing my T, it was kind of because I was getting tired of thinking about death and dying all the time. But, I didn't bother to mention that to him. Until a few weeks later, when he flat out asked me what had prompted me to contact him. Without giving it much thought, I said, "I was getting tired of thinking about suicide all the time and thought I'd try a different approach." He about spilled his coffee. Because I hadn't mentioned suicide at ALL, I suppose. Probably not the best way to go about it. On the plus side, once he calmed down and got done asking the mandatory questions, he was helpful.

Have you had any conversations with your T about handling a crisis while they're gone? (I guarantee, in your situation, I wouldn't have, and I'd have waited until he was leaving on vacation to think "Maybe I should have said something?" too.)

You're right, you need to hold on. You've done it before. You can do it again. Have you got any plans for spring break with your son?

 

[FauxLiz]

@MrMoonlight my son is in college, daughter just out of school and on her own. I am sure my T has good boundaries the problem is that I don't. I won't risk it. By the same token a "short inpatient stay" isn't an option. I was able to do inpatient last year because I had two things, an employer sponsored short term disability policy that covered mental health issues and another chronic health condition that I could use as cover for why I needed to take time off from work. Now I don't have the STD coverage for mental health issues and assured my new employer that my health issue was being managed and wouldn't adversely affect my work.

@scout86 your right I haven't had those conversations with my T or P-doc probably because I had amazing crisis support with my previous T and when the subject was brought up when I was looking for a new T after several T told me they don't do crisis support if I needed it there are hotlines and hospital ER's. So this T never brought up the subject and I didn't either. As for the P-doc his organization runs a psychiatric hospital and I am not taking any chances asking him for crisis support.

I don't really have plans with my son for spring break, we are trying to get last minute tickets to Hamilton but doubtful it will happen. Otherwise, I have work commitments this time of year that don't disappear.

 

[scout86]

You know, When I read what you wrote just now, it occurred to me that anyone who'd expect you to count on crisis lines and the ER, really doesn't get it. I'm sure they can, occasionally, be fine, but that would be totally luck & who wants trust that?

My own way to handle stuff like this tends to be based on a line from Monte Python.
"And now, for something completely different...." I know that's "avoidance", or something, but if i can throw myself into it whole heartedly, it seems help pass time. Even this kind of conversation can help do that.

I can see why this hasn't come up with your T yet. It needs to though, for a couple reasons. One is the obvious "what's the good alternative to suicide?" The other, and for me this has been the most important, is that your T is probably going to find it useful to know how much of your feelings you really keep to yourself.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Maybe we are broken to some extent but that doesn't make you disposable.

This is the best thing I've heard about suicidal thoughts in a long time. I'd like to make a meme out of it and put it on Pinterest. Would that be ok, @MrMoonlight? I would quote it as Mr.Moonlight. It is a really, really important statement for when any of us are having suicidal thoughts.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Oh wow, @DharmaGirl , yes, please feel free to use it however you like. No worries about referencing me DG.

I hope you are doing a little bit better today @FauxLiz . I'm sure you are really drained today.

 

[FauxLiz]

@MrMoonlight i am doing a bit better today trying to do some retail therapy so I am not sitting at home alone all day just ruminating.

@DharmaGirl i am glad you were able to find something helpful in this thread. My challenge is to learn to believe that, so many times in my life I feel as though I have been discarded like trash or something that is disposable short term use only.

@scout86 talking to my T will be a struggle I know and I know I need to do it but how? To the outside world I put on the facade that has become so familiar that I struggle even during session to drop it and let anyone know what I am thinking or feeling. It’s so hard when I asked him during our last session if he agreed with past T/P-doc diagnosis he said, well my diagnosis’ are PTSD and possibly MDD, anything else he said is hard because I don’t present with the typical “personality” of those with these issues until I discuss anything to do with my past or about my personally below the surface I don’t present to the world a person that is hurting in any way. He acknowledged that I have done what was necessary to survive but that for someone with less or no training in trauma it would be easy to miss. I guess that means I got something right in life but at the same time my avoidance, minimalization and deflection probably have not only hurt me in the past but kept me from getting help I need.

 

[scout86]

I know I need to do it but how?

I'm kind of struggling with this exact thing right now (again?). What I usually end up doing is sending him an email. Normally, what I do is write a whole bunch of different emails and talk myself out of sending them, until some day I either get desperate enough to hit send, or lack the impulse control NOT to hit send. The first time this happened, a couple weeks went by when he seemed to be offering me chances to bring it up, which I didn't do. Finally, HE brought it up. (Like, "Was there something else you wanted to talk about?" right before the end of the session. He seems to try really hard not to make me feel like I'm backed into a corner with no way out.) Now that we've been through this a few times, it's a little easier. Once I actually bring it up, that is. If I couldn't email him, I don't know what I'd do. Probably nothing. (This is NOT my best thing!)