Rug pulled out from underneath me

[Jorman]

I'd always considered myself to be emotionally regulated, that I was master over them because I lived under the microscope of rationalism. The problem? I apply my logic to the people I care about.

The relationship with the guy I've been seeing occurred under circumstances I'm not yet comfortable sharing, but he had suffered some significant trauma... An assault, domestic violence from a spouse, familial abuse, and so I just wanted to help him as we became so important to each other.

I couldn't help but obsessively analyse him, which became a frantic rush about a month ago as I delved into the world of psychology and chased down dozens of leads. Eventually I came across CPTSD, recognised the symptoms in my partner, and absorbed everything I could on the topic. It was a few days later, when I was reading a book by Pete Walker, that I was suddenly struck by the realisation that I, too, shared these exact symptoms.

Fast forward a month later, I've gone to a therapist for the first time, have been practising mindfulness, am feeling less busy in my head... But at the same time I'm so confronted by this revelation. I was neglected as a child, and it's taken me over 30 years to realise. And the ramifications of this realisation is terrifying. I'm so emotionally deregulated. I've minimised, denied and pushed from consciousness depths of despair and loneliness I'm only now remembering.

And I had a flashback at the same time as my partner that traumatised him too. And he's pulled away, cos he's never been treated the way I treat him, and that has scared him more than any other trauma he's had done to him before. We had an argument. He wanted to leave, I freaked out the thought of being abandoned and blocked the door. I didn't know until later that he had flashed back to when he was assaulted, and he is struggling to trust me. And his reluctance grates on my abandonment fears. I don't know what to do

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @Jorman - welcome. I've moved your post into the sufferer's Relationships area, for a better fit.

I don't know what to do

In a nutshell - work on yourself. You've been diagnosed with PTSD, and as you said -

But at the same time I'm so confronted by this revelation.

It's a big deal. It's alright to be putting yourself first right now. You both would probably benefit from a little time focusing on your own separate (individual) issues, before trying to find how you can function well as a couple.

Relationships are hard, even in the best of circumstances. Toss in illness, and they become very challenging. You'll want to be healthier before trying to go farther....that's just my advice, curious what others think.

 

[Jorman]

Hi @Jorman - welcome. I've moved your post into the sufferer's Relationships area, for a better fit.

In a nutshell - work on yourself. You've been diagnosed with PTSD, and as you said -

It's a big deal. It's alright to be putting yourself first right now. You both would probably benefit from a little time focusing on your own separate (individual) issues, before trying to find how you can function well as a couple.

Relationships are hard, even in the best of circumstances. Toss in illness, and they become very challenging. You'll want to be healthier before trying to go farther....that's just my advice, curious what others think.

Thank you for taking the time to read, let alone reply. The problem is my partner is too terrified of facing his issues... He is so afraid of his emotions his body is taking the toll. When I first discovered CPTSD he was genuinely interested and wanted to know more. Within 20mins of doing his own research he totally freaked out and has been in denial ever since. He keeps pushing away to maintain his boundaries because the incident reminded him of the person who assaulted him, and that triggers my abandonment trauma, and then he feels overwhelmed. It's... A lot. And confusing. And so sudden.

 

[Rainman8772]

Welcome. Try getting him on here where there is a lot of information and resources from people with decades of experience. PTSD isn’t a death sentence and is nothing to be ashamed of. You can still function with it once regulated it just takes time and effort to get there.

 

[Jorman]

Thank you. The problem is that he's much too entrenched in his fear and denial and minimisation about it, to the extent that he didn't speak to me for days when I suggested he might have PTSD from recent trauma with a family member. Plus, he says I'm not a doctor... But he's unwilling to investigate it. He's booked appointments, but is so scared he misses them or sleeps through them to avoid them. I don't want him resenting me for trying to fix him either. Just not sure how to handle it. I'm hoping my experience might make him a bit desensitised, but I can't push that too far before he gets uncomfortable.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sadly, you cannot fix him. You can only try to fix yourself. He's the one who will have to decide to get better. You cannot drag someone kicking and screaming towards wellness.

All you can do is work on yourself. That's all.

 

[Justmehere]

Pushing someone freaking out already to face trauma isn't likely to help either of you. I can understand the impulse, but he's got to wrestle with it on his own timing. Tackling trauma can actually stir up symptoms at first. Pushing someone to face it makes it a lot harder.

You are new to treatment for your own trauma, and that should be focus number one. That's how you handle it. You work on your symptoms. That will be enough to tackle. Give him space on it, and maybe if he sees success in your own treatment he'll feel more confident about going in himself on his own timing.

What might help more is discussion on what builds a sense of safety in the relationship.

 

[Jorman]

Thanks for the replies. I agree. I don't want to fall into the trap of trying to fix him like I have previously. And sometimes I doubt myself about my intentions with my own recovery, that I subconsciously am trying to fix by example. And then I worry I'm over thinking it all, and by the time I get to this stage I realise I haven't been considering my own recovery at all while I'm worrying about worry. Is it just that it's still all new?

 

[PreciousChild]

I have a tendency to "fix" people too. I also tend towards intellectualizing as a way of coping. I learned being on here and in therapy that I have codependent tendencies as well. Your focus on saving your fried might be an indication that you could have those tendencies as well. I think a big lesson to learn is that we can be conditioned to hurt others without realizing it and it's important to consider the feedback we get from others about our behavior and take them seriously.