I wish people could see the will power it is taking not to do something right now. The only thing stopping me from doing it before my planned date is that I have spent my whole life trying to be the opposite of my mother. Of course if I ever do commit suicide I will do it different than her.
I just need something to hang on to right now, just one positive memory. I am still waiting for my first happy memory. One bad thing after another keeps happening and expensive disasters keep happening so now I can't even drive to the store because I don't have the gas until I get my disability check on the 3rd.
I feel like I am desperately searching for a reason to stay alive and can't find one. I need someone to talk to but I can't afford the transportation or co-pay for a therapist. I tried to talk to my husband about my grandfather (don't tell him I called him that even though he is in my heart) dying. It hurts so much.
I spent my whole life wanting him to love me. Just like my mom. It is just the fact that like he has always said, "I am not family, I am not your blood." He is just the man who saved me from my parents home when I was five and was married to my grandmother once. They divorced and I was no longer his problem. But I loved him, I thought the world of him. I told him I thought of him like a father and he told me "well I am not your father so stop that."
When I was little, people said I looked like him. I would always feel so proud. I always hoped there was some kind of mix up or family secret and that he really was either my dad or grandfather. I tried to be just like him.
Sorry I didn't mean to talk so much about him I just so overwhelmed with too many feeling, between my husband and this and a whole ton of other things, making it just too much.
I just need something to hang on to right now, just one positive memory. I am still waiting for my first happy memory. One bad thing after another keeps happening and expensive disasters keep happening so now I can't even drive to the store because I don't have the gas until I get my disability check on the 3rd.
I feel like I am desperately searching for a reason to stay alive and can't find one. I need someone to talk to but I can't afford the transportation or co-pay for a therapist. I tried to talk to my husband about my grandfather (don't tell him I called him that even though he is in my heart) dying. It hurts so much.
I spent my whole life wanting him to love me. Just like my mom. It is just the fact that like he has always said, "I am not family, I am not your blood." He is just the man who saved me from my parents home when I was five and was married to my grandmother once. They divorced and I was no longer his problem. But I loved him, I thought the world of him. I told him I thought of him like a father and he told me "well I am not your father so stop that."
When I was little, people said I looked like him. I would always feel so proud. I always hoped there was some kind of mix up or family secret and that he really was either my dad or grandfather. I tried to be just like him.
Sorry I didn't mean to talk so much about him I just so overwhelmed with too many feeling, between my husband and this and a whole ton of other things, making it just too much.
