S.o. Told Me That He Would Be Perfectly Ok With Me Having An Affair

[Onile]

I am very hurt by this.

I am a CSA survivor as well as an adult SA survivor. I have problems with hyper sexuality and disturbing fantasies, at the same time, I am very sexually repressed and find it difficult to act on any sexual desire. I have had very few partners and tend to gravitate towards low sex drive males.

One nights stands or reckless sexual behavior is not an option for me. Yet, at the same time I masturbate quite often and it is usually due to sick and disturbing fantasies.

For me, sex must be in the confines of a committed, long term relationship, despite frequent fantasies that fall outside of that.

I am going to add this next bit just in case it is relevant. I was neglected as a child, I was very drawn to my assailant due to the fact that he paid attention to me. He noticed me when no one else did. I think that in my warped mind I associated SA with caring and concern.

I knowingly chose a relationship with a low sex drive male, feeling it would be safe, but I take his lack of sexual interest and advances rejection. I find expressing interest myself to be extremely difficult, but I do anyways. He knows that I have a very high sex drive and that I am interested in experimenting in the safety of our relationship. He is not, licking, biting or anything else is off the table for him.

Sorry for the long back story.

We are both members of another website based on a mutual interest. We have a mutual acquaintance on the forum. Before I met this person, I would freeze up when people would make sexual jokes, such as calling something kinky.
With this person I throw the jokes right back at them and we both make sexual innuendos.

The important thing, is that I have been very open and honest with my S.O. about it. I tell him every thing that is said. I worry very much that I am crossing a line, and to be honest sometimes I wish he would put his foot down. I believe much of my behavior is that I am seeking a response from my S.O. ans well as craving the attention I am receiving from the other person.

Today he told me that if I wanted, he would be ok with having an affair and engaging in cyber sex with this person as long as I kept it online. I believe there is never an excuse for having an affair and that what I have done already borders on dangerous ground. I am very hurt that he would be ok with this.

His previous relationship ended because she had affair. He has sexual insecurity issues as a result. his willingness to allow and even encourage an online affair baffles me.

Sorry for posting so much information, but I am hoping for some insight. I don't feel comfortable talking to my T about sex.I would find it difficult to discuss anywhere else. I am very thankful for the anonymous forum right now.

 

[Apiwom]

Speaking strictly from my own experiences as a Survivor of Sexual Child Abuse, I think you are doing really well to come out and talk about this even anonymously.

It is difficult to take those first steps and talk to others about sex because it is such a highly charged and confusing subject and especially so, for those with an early trauma history.

For me, I had to know what healthy, loving sexuality was and experience that, before I could even think about the possibility of having sex without strings, (even though I fantasized about it a lot).

My suggestion for you would be to speak to your significant other and tell them how you feel about being "allowed" to have an online affair. Your emotional needs are important to take care of.

Also if you can, try talking to your "T" about relationships and infidelity in general. You don't have to share anything you are not ready to. It can be helpful to get some expert views on the subject.

There is more I want to say, but I am tired and my thinking is a little cloudy at the moment. I hope that something I have said is helpful to you and that you will continue to reach out for support

 

[Icegi]

Today he told me that if I wanted, he would be ok with having an affair and engaging in cyber sex with this person as long as I kept it online. I believe there is never an excuse for having an affair and that what I have done already borders on dangerous ground. I am very hurt that he would be ok with this.

His previous relationship ended because she had affair. He has sexual insecurity issues as a result. his willingness to allow and even encourage an online affair baffles me.

Whole lotta reasons he could be doing this; from self sabotage to testing you to actually being okay with it*. Don't do anything, without being completely clear as to his motivations. As long as there is any confusion or mistrust whatsoever? Keep talking to him.

* I've been in a lot of different kinds of relationships. From total monogamy to completely open relationship.

The open relationship thing isn't binary. Couples define for themselves what they deem is acceptable to each of them (as well as whether or not changing that status over time is okay... Although most I know of do accept that as a probability); the fundamental guideline is respecting each other, and putting the feelings of the other person first.

So, as a baseline, I'm okay with open relationships. From door flung wide open, to just a narrow crack opened once every blue moon. My exHusband? Wanted a committed, monogamous relationship. Was, in fact, very firm about it... And I agreed reluctantly. Because of his job, there was quite a bit of "only natural" opportunities.

But I trusted him.

And he betrayed me.

It doesn't matter if the relationship is open or closed. It's the betrayal that guts you. When a person you trust knowingly breaks trust with you? Breaks your heart.

If my now ex had come to me at any point and actually been honest with me? I don't know at that point if I'd have been willing to redefine rules, or not. Probably. Maybe not. Will never know, because he was too much of a coward to come to me and be honest (about anything, including this, but larger problem there ;) ). I do know that I offered a few times to discuss it, and he never would. Was adamant monogamy was what he wanted. ((Even if he'd said he wanted to f*ck around, but didn't want me to? That's something I've been willing to negotiate in some relationships.))

So... Yes. It can be possible that your husband is okay with ABC, but not XYZ (or 123, €£¥, lol or any other variable set ;) )... And isn't actually sabotaging the relationship, testing you, etc. I know a lot of people like me. But that doesn't mean he is like me. Keep talking with him. And trust your gut. Sometimes people say they want something, because they want to want it. Not because they do. But sometimes people really do just want their partner to be happy. It makes them happy, as well. Keep talkin.

 

[Enavuz]

The important thing, is that I have been very open and honest with my S.O. about it. I tell him every thing that is said. I worry very much that I am crossing a line, and to be honest sometimes I wish he would put his foot down. I believe much of my behavior is that I am seeking a response from my S.O. ans well as craving the attention I am receiving from the other person.

I would share this with him , i would also tell him your hurt and confused. He may be offering the option as a means to protect himself , basically going into 3rd gear at the site of a hill.

Sexuality is such a broad and expansive thing, i don't want to label it as an issue or similar as its sexuality and we all have our ways and means , our wants and desires , our fears and dark thoughts

A fantasy is simply a fantasy , its only wrong when we make it real with unwilling participants. I commend your courage in talking about and trying to address what can be a complex web of emotions, thoughts and actions.

 

[Rigan]

As a CSA survivor, I've had many similar feelings/problems. I think that being overly aroused as a child leaves your system hyperaroused, and thus hypersexual. Your behavior and fantasies are not abnormal. I used to find myself vacillating between promiscuity and committed relationships. Whenever I had one, I seemed to want the other. I too would choose relationships with low-sex drive partners.

I think that another facet of CSA is that we begin to associate sex/arousal with harm/lack of intimacy. It's the ones who hurt us that are sexual, the ones who love us that are not. On some level, you might not even want sex from the person you love. You might think sex and love are incompatible.

Additionally, choosing an unavailable sexual partner could serve as a form of repetition compulsion, whereby you reproduce the trauma of general neglect by being with someone who will inevitably neglect you (in at least one way).

I would keep talking with your S.O. Both of you have your issues (we all do) and trying to understand them better together is (in my opinion) the best way to preserve the relationship.

 

[Uliv]

I have several thoughts on this. Some of them were mentioned above like self sabotage and testing your trust. My sister was a person that said that she would not care if her husband cheated. When he did, she found out that she very much cared. She feared that he might actually love this person.

I'm a CSA survivor. I lean toward hyper sexuality even if I wasn't enjoying it. I thought I was....but my body, mind and heart were not all on the same page. Rigan mentioned you may not want sex from the person you love because love may be a stretch for some of us to express sexually. I was like this for a long time. I had to switch off love in order to feel the sensations of sex. If I was showing the emotion of love, there was nothing sexual about it. This changed just recently. It's hard for me to explain the difference I feel. It's like my love now connects with the sensation...so it's intense, so different, and amazing. It's love making for real. Come to find out, my husband has always felt this way when he "made love".

For me, having sex is not really cheating. But making love with someone else is. Because of my feelings on this, I would have to be involved in the cheating/loving. I also think that emotional affairs are far more damaging than sexual ones.

I didn't understand my sister's change of decision until I had made love for the first time which was recently. Now I understood what was at stake.

Keep communication wide open. Really take everything slow. Be open to compromises. But also know exactly what will harm you and your relationship with him. Hopefully, he will have the same diligence.

 

[Susefe]

It sounds like on an emotional level, he may be disconnected to you - and maybe this is the hardest? He sounds checked out, not meeting your needs sexually, and to me, this has a feeling that echos neglect and abandonment. It isn't that, but it echos it. It might be a way that you and him are subconsciously reenacting some part of the childhood abandonment.

As an adult, I have had close relationships where someone was suddenly really blind to a need I had and how I wanted them to meet the need in the relationship, not someone else...

He could be struggling with his own stuff, maybe even a medication issue or depression or one of many things that is prompting him to say this. I hope you and him keep talking about it - and talking about the feelings behind it that this brings up for you. It also might be worth talking to a couple's counselor - if not about the sex, but about the relationship overall.

 

[Ivekup]

I am not an SA survivor, but I am a man and I have a lot experience dealing with swingers when I was a bit younger and now I've been in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. Just because he says he is "ok" with it doesn't mean that he fully understands how degrading it will feel to know that another man is satisfying your wife. Some people are turned on by that, but not most. He may have self esteem issues and may not fully understand the ramifications of his decision. Even if he thinks that he honestly doesn't care what you do, that may not end up being truthful.

On the other hand I have seen people with functional relationships who enjoy swinging and felt as though it brought them closer together. Maybe you could make him a part of it. Set rules and boundaries and ease your way into it as a couple. This way it isn't one-sided. Make sure that you know how to separate attachment from sex. Even if you do "swing", it isn't a good idea to do it with an ex or anyone you have an emotional attachment to.

If I were you I would tread carefully, stay away from exes, find local swingers events and attend as a couple. Take it slow and make sure this is what both of you want. Because that lifestyle can either strengthen a relationship or completely destroy it.

Also, perhaps you associate sex with self worth. As you stated that your assailant took advantage of your low self esteem. Maybe what you want is more attention from your significant other and it is manifesting it'self as "I need more exciting sex".
Either way, tread carefully. Try not to end up hurting your significant other.

Just because his previous relationship ended over an affair doesn't mean that he may not be open to being a swinger. The fact that you came to him about it and he suggested it may mean that he believes you can separate sex and emotional attachment. If you can't separate sex from emotional attachment and you go about finding "a partner" it will just make you a wreck.

In a worst case scenario, I knew one woman who spent time with some swinger friends that I knew, when she got home her husband waited for her so she could see him kill himself in a horrific way. Maybe you should consider going to counseling before you attempt such an extreme solution. This is not the kind of thing that unqualified people on the internet should help you with.

 

[Tuni]

I think you are both unintentionally reenacting past trauma.

 

[Idub]

I can relate to everything you said. Including the part about his lack of interest feeling like rejection. Have you told him that? What does he say? Does he care?

Some of this might be issues of his, that he could work on if he wants to. Does he have any interest in that? It would bother me if his only solution to the problem is for you to have sex with someone else. That suggests that he doesn't understand how you feel and it makes me wonder if he's the kind of partner who's willing to work on things as a team. I could easily imagine my ex saying something like your partner did. He would have said it because he had HIS reasons for wanting our relationship and concern for me and my feelings weren't any part of those reasons.

 

[Wega]

Maybe he is testing you... saying something and you acting upon it... two very different things!