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People i used to know having an affair. do i tell, or is this about my triggers?

Discussion in 'General' started by Mee, Apr 13, 2018.

  1. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you!

    That helps a lot. All of this is true. I don’t think it’s excusing exactly, because people who know the wife might not have access to this information or might be bystanding ( it’s how a lot of bad things continue , no one intervenes) but having decided this is not my call these things make me feel a little more comfortable with that .
     
    somerandomguy and digger like this.
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  3. Fionas74

    Fionas74 Active Member

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    I was extremely appreciative of a coworker friend who actually called me to see if she could visit me at my home one day. I never have friends that I would hang out with or had anyone that knew about my problems but she and I just clicked at work and shared some of our experiences such as depression and medication kind of thing. She was a total sweetheart but it was odd that she asked to come visit me. I had just moved into my new home with my boyfriend and had taken about a week of vacation time from work to get moved in.

    A little context first. My boyfriend didn’t have a job because he was really lazy and just finished getting his degree in exercise science. Good luck finding a good job with that which he realized after he graduated. We had decided to move from the one bedroom apartment that he had moved in with me a year previously to me buying a house which was only going to be under my name but there was no way I could afford it on my own and needed him to have an income to pay half of everything. I don’t make the best of decisions. He couldn’t find a job so I asked one of my managers if they could give him an interview to see if they would hire him because I was desperate and the company did hire him. I never worried about the possibility of him cheating on me because he is shy and socially awkward and he was a home body and didn’t have any real friends so I felt really secure that he wasn’t capable of cheating. Hahaha!

    My coworker came over and she told me that my boyfriend was having sex with a woman at work. She knew this for sure because the woman was constantly telling her about her and him but the woman didn’t know he had a girlfriend let alone me. Of course it was shocking but because of dissociation it didn’t hold too much of an emotional reaction. I was really glad she told me because like I said, there was no way I would ever think he would be capable of cheating. Also, because I have DID, anything hurtful usually gets tucked away so it’s like it doesn’t happen to me but that also caused so many more harm to myself because I continued to stay in this “relationship” which led to marriage which led to so much more trauma.

    I needed to be told what he was capable of and I am so grateful to her for telling me. Now, she knew this information first hand and there wasn’t any doubt. As with the information you have, if you’re not exactly sure it’s true or not and you’re not actually “friends” then I hesitate with the idea of you saying something. If someone had come to me with some sort of information of possible cheating from my boyfriend or husband, I still would want to know just so I wouldn’t be so blind and naive and at least check into it. But, that’s just because I trust people that haven’t earned trust.
     
    Nessa7 and Mee like this.
  4. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Fiona. . That really helps.


    I talked to my therapist about this today. She ( as always) was really helpful too. I started from the standpoint I was going to do nothing but felt ’uncomfortable’ and my therapist pointed out that I could do nothing, put it in one if my mental boxes unless something happens without me looking for it that changes my mind... Eg one if the two in the affair were to tell me themselves... Unlikely. This however feels more right because then I WOULD have first person information not second hand: my obligation would be more concrete, and I would not be being reactive to gossip. I was very loosely in touch with one of the people still, emails a couple of months a go. I will not be seeking further contact.

    For completeness I have told people in the past. I know the variability in response, but yes, I have always known the person I told or had a relevance. I think no one who knows this wife will know about the affair..... Different worlds.
     
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  5. Fionas74

    Fionas74 Active Member

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    Yay to therapist! That’s great advice!
     
    Mee likes this.
  6. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    I am really sorry it happened to you and really pleased there was someone who had integrity and strength and cared for you to tell you.
     
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  7. Fionas74

    Fionas74 Active Member

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    I’m very glad she told me. Unfortunately he continued to cheat on me and I kept finding out because since he was shy in public he was the opposite online so I found out what sick things he was doing online but also in his activily seeking to hook up with women on the specific websites created for people looking for an affair without commitment. I would kick him out but he would beg and cry and since it’s automatic to “forget” everything, I would welcome him back with open arms and continued on like nothing ever happened. DID is a blessing and a curse but for me it’s mostly a blessing because it allowed me to finally leave him after being together for 8 years. It’s like he never existed which is great.
     
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  8. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    That's are silver linings in the oddest of places sometimes. ;)

    I do not think you are so unusual; A lot of people stay.
     
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  9. Fionas74

    Fionas74 Active Member

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    Definitely! I’m definitely not unique in staying. I’m just silly because for some reason when I have been told how strong I was for actually leaving I think that it wasn’t me that did it therefore I’m not strong. My alter did it so I didn’t have a choice. She did it. That’s probably not unique either. I’m struggling with wanting to be unique. You know? I think I’ll start a new post about this.
     
    Mee likes this.
  10. Suzetig

    Suzetig Still the Staff Kitteh... Moderator Sponsor $100+

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    I wonder if this is worth exploring in therapy as a core belief? If you take it to extreme it means you potentially owe something of yourself to every person on the planet. There has to be a way for you to find a cut off point when “x” isnt owed anything by you without you feeling like you’re compromising yourself.
     
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  11. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Well Yes, I think I do. Awareness brings responsibility, for me. I think to be other is to bystand hurting people / abuse/ crime whatever the situation is. Informed people have choice for themselves of THEIR limits. Uninformed they are not even able to have that choice.

    I don’t think this concept is ’that’ unusual... The Christian equivalent might be akin to matthew 25 : 40? I am going to get the words wrong but I can think of the hymn ’ what so ever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me’. ’To’ could be ’for’ :)

    But crucially I think I owe myself to live with integrity. I also know I am going to get it wrong sometimes.

    Thank you for your insight, Very keen.
     
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  12. whiteraven

    whiteraven Well-Known Member

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    This is true for me, as well. But I would never tell someone they are being "cheated" on unless it were a very close friend even though betrayal and deception are huge triggers of mine. For me, awareness of an actual crime is different from awareness of a "possible" anything else.

    This feels like more of an issue of yours in terms of triggers (or even that sense of responsibility) than it is an issue of theirs. And we never know about the inner dynamics of others' relationships. What may seem abusive and abnormal to us, may just be the way others are.

    I'm glad you are working this out with your therapist. Wishing you well!
     
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  13. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you whiteraven. I have quite a broad spectrum of acceptability I think. I think if its consensual all is good.

    My issue is that if someone doesn’t know it's not really able to be really consensual.

    I remain by my decision not to tell in this instance and stuff I an not bringing here has happened that negates my need. But I do not really buy the ’none of our business thing’ because that's how lots of abuses go unreported: csa, by standing rape, dv etc. Shrug.

    Thanks for feed back on this. I WAS super triggered AND it was a moral stance.
     
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