• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

People i used to know having an affair. do i tell, or is this about my triggers?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Ok.

Last night I learned that someone I used to know is having an affair with someone else I used to know. I do not know the wife. Affairs are a big trigger issue for me and my first instinct was that the act of integrity would be to seek out and tell the wife.

Friends have assured me this is crazy and sort of vigilante behaviour and it’s not my job to be the morality police so I have agreed not to act but it’s sitting very , very uncomfortably that I know this information about a tremendous betrayal and deception and I could enable a person to protect herself.

I feel very strongly about sexual deception and abuse and integrity and I feel very deeply conflicted and spinning. I do accept that people who I ‘used to know’ and someone I don’t are not my business. I am trying to excuse myself on the basis that the person who told me ( she told me that the guy was separated, his wife lived in a different part of the country now, and I know that’s not true ) might be misinformed or trouble making. But I feel like I am letting myself off and bystanding her abuse and deceit from her husband:(.

Can anyone help me see wood for trees or real issue from my triggers here?
 
I, as a rule, do not get involved in other people's business and so from my standpoint I would suggest that you not get involved. I feel there is nothing wrong with keeping the information to yourself and minding your own. The one who is being cheated on may not take the information kindly and/or they may wish to turn a blind eye to the situation. They might be cheating as well and not care for you bringing the truth out into the open.

Having said that, I think you should know that I feel for your situation, it is a burden to carry that information and not expose the truth. Infidelity is a serious betrayal of trust, which for many of us is a core issue, so I can understand how it can make you feel uncomfortable to be a party to what is going on. If you do decide to tell, you may wish to stay aware that the info may not be well received by either party involved in this deception and there could be a backlash.

I would have a hard time sitting on the info myself, but I would choose not to tell. This is just my viewpoint and my personal opinion, so please take it for what it is, .....just one persons opinion. I hope that the feedback you receive here will help you make the best decision, it is a difficult call to make.
 
I recently heard that most (<50%, can’t remember the exact figure) people cheat. That’s a hell of a lot of people.

We can’t impose our moral code on others.

And why should we?

Some people don’t want to know if their partner is cheating. (Seriously.)

So really, it’s up to us to just shake our heads and move on.

What if the cheat-ee decides to take it out on you? You could end up getting shot. (Yes I live in redneck country, lol). Want to risk that?
 
Thanks Eve.

I think Friday is clear for me.

Your point about valuing others right to their own morality is important but it’s also part of the problem for me because if someone IS being deceived they are being denied that in a way that might seriously disadvantage them that may or may not be a part of abusive behaviour .

I am also really grateful you considered my safety. It would always be my expectation this would have negative result for me. ( even in the best case scenario there is no positive outcome in delivering such information). My concern about ‘doing the right thing often disregards my best well being or interests over ‘integrity’. I think the way in which I used to know this person is relevant into how they could try to hurt me. I am uncomfortable that my well-being should be a thought in this, but you are logically ABSOLUTELY right ; it should be! My first person to keep safe is me.

I think I have rationalised this to this is not my stuff because I do not know with 100 percent assurance I am being told truth. So I will do nothing. Thank you.

The trigger has been with me for over the day and in truth I do not expect it to settle comfortably but I THINK this is the moral decision in this case.

Consent. It’s that the cheated on person is denied consent.

Any thing about alternative morality is fine by me if it’s consensual.... does that make sense as to why I struggle with this trigger?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It’s not unusual in my experience for the person being cheated on to know, on some level, that it’s happening. Telling them and bringing it into the open may force them to openly face something they don’t want to acknowledge and I don’t think generally we have the right to do that to someone else.

It’s your trigger issue (as betrayal often is fo is PTSD folk) and it’s our job to manage our reactions to triggers (which you’re admirably doing here). At the moment it’s gossip and you don’t fully know so holding it makes perfect sense.

And isn’t it ok sometimes to let ourselves “off the hook”, if someone else was struggling with it would you press them to tell or would you support them to be comfortable with a decision not to disclose gossip to someone they don’t know and have no relationship with?
 
Thank you Suzetig. That's a really thoughtful response.

I understand the ’they di know really’ angle. It's also not true in many circumstances i think. I not want to say more on that. I have been ose to friends who did not know and didn’t know till they were told or in one case a friend was left in difficult financial position because their spouse had time to manipulate financial situation: she had no idea and wishes she had been told.

I also wonder if we would think the same of other types of abuse / deception?

The 50 percent of cheaters doesn’t really make it ’ok’ to me, just like the huge numbers if sexual crimes ( I feel strongly enough to say other sexual crimes; I feel where there is deception informed cconsent cannot truly be given ).

Yes. Betrayal IS a trigger for me personally; and coupled with non consent like this... I absolutely accept this is triggering for me because of my PTSD and circumstances( that's why I raised it here) my confusion is I also An where Friday is. ( which I have resolved makes this ok not to say anything this time but it makes me uncomfortable)
 
I have been there myself. I had a coworker come to me to tell me my ex was cheating. Of course he denied it and I had no choice but believe him but I'm glad they cared enough about me to tell me.
 
I’m sorry Zoogal.

I would certainly feel obligated to tell a coworker.

Sigh, (here in is part of my moral dilemma: I owe as much to someone I don’t Know ; if it is acting with integrity:( ....according to my beliefs.
 
Sigh, (here in is part of my moral dilemma: I owe as much to someone I don’t Know ; if it is acting with integrity:( ....according to my beliefs.
I think actually there is a significant difference between it being someone you know, and someone you don't - not in terms of whether they should know or not, but in terms of whether you should be the messenger.

I think when it's someone you know, you probably have some idea of how the news might impact them, what else they might have going on for themselves at the moment, what kind of support they're likely to have, whether you are able to provide any of that support for them.
Someone you don't know, you don't have that information to base your own judgement on of when might be an appropriate time to tell them, what might be the best way (for them) for you to tell them or the level of impact it could have on them. Playing devils advocate for a moment - what if the person has just had some other bad news, suffering a bout of bad health, dealing with mental health issues, sick relative or other major stressors in their life right now.

Would I want someone to tell me if they knew (definitely) that a partner was cheating on me? Yes, I think so. Would I want that someone to be a complete stranger? Absolutely not.

Looking at it as a moral dilemma, I think how well you know the person (and the potential impact of receiving the information) needs to be factored in. It would be irresponsible, in my opinion, not to take that into account.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top