Hi - new here and feeling really damn weird about posting but here we go.
I experienced a major depressive episode back in May and spent 2 months in a psych hospital trying to recover. I'm now back at home with my husband and two kids and attending regular therapy sessions. My initial focus in therapy was to address sexual harassment by my former boss and an attempted SA by a complete stranger (which all happened very close together last year) but it turns out that issues in my relationship are surfacing in a bigger way. About 6 years ago, I woke up to my husband having sex with me while was sleeping and I just let him continue so as not create a scene. He sometimes gets violently angry if I turn him down (but has never hit me, has just broken furniture). I brought it up once shortly after and he just laughed it off. I brought it up again more recently and he apologized but I just can't get over it. He's been coercing me into sex for years and I've been pushing him away more and more. The more I push him away, the more he coerces, the more I just give in to keep him "happy". It's an awful cycle. Not long before I went into the hospital and was really struggling with depression, I turned him down one night when he wanted to have sex. He knew I'd really been struggling so when I turned him down, he didn't push any further but said "my desire is going to overtake my compassion for you" and got up and walked out. I think he was trying to tell me how difficult this all was for him and that he was trying to be nice but that comment scared the ever living shit out of me. I haven't talked to him about it yet. Ever since then, I can barely stand to be in the same room as him and going to bed at night gives me a lot of anxiety. It's such a weird place to be in right now because we started off as such a great couple, seem like a perfectly happy family with a unique and lovely life. All our friends and family adore him and he's really a gentle and laid back guy in general so I'm having a hell of a time reconciling everything.
I haven't brought it up in therapy yet but I will next week because I can't stand thinking about it alone anymore. In the meantime, I need to share here. I feel so stuck and confused and lost and sad and I just really hate my life that I'm supposed to love.
-N
I experienced a major depressive episode back in May and spent 2 months in a psych hospital trying to recover. I'm now back at home with my husband and two kids and attending regular therapy sessions. My initial focus in therapy was to address sexual harassment by my former boss and an attempted SA by a complete stranger (which all happened very close together last year) but it turns out that issues in my relationship are surfacing in a bigger way. About 6 years ago, I woke up to my husband having sex with me while was sleeping and I just let him continue so as not create a scene. He sometimes gets violently angry if I turn him down (but has never hit me, has just broken furniture). I brought it up once shortly after and he just laughed it off. I brought it up again more recently and he apologized but I just can't get over it. He's been coercing me into sex for years and I've been pushing him away more and more. The more I push him away, the more he coerces, the more I just give in to keep him "happy". It's an awful cycle. Not long before I went into the hospital and was really struggling with depression, I turned him down one night when he wanted to have sex. He knew I'd really been struggling so when I turned him down, he didn't push any further but said "my desire is going to overtake my compassion for you" and got up and walked out. I think he was trying to tell me how difficult this all was for him and that he was trying to be nice but that comment scared the ever living shit out of me. I haven't talked to him about it yet. Ever since then, I can barely stand to be in the same room as him and going to bed at night gives me a lot of anxiety. It's such a weird place to be in right now because we started off as such a great couple, seem like a perfectly happy family with a unique and lovely life. All our friends and family adore him and he's really a gentle and laid back guy in general so I'm having a hell of a time reconciling everything.
I haven't brought it up in therapy yet but I will next week because I can't stand thinking about it alone anymore. In the meantime, I need to share here. I feel so stuck and confused and lost and sad and I just really hate my life that I'm supposed to love.
-N
