Death Saddened death of my 41 year son

[Tornadic Thoughts]

(((Hugs))) Only his physical body left, his energy is still very much around, I believe. I mean no disrespect to any other belief.

Maybe when you feel up to it, you could write down what you'd like to say to him and do some sort of a small ceremony (alone, unless you wish to include another - maybe the therapist if you feel their support would help) that would feel meaningful to you as a way to release your true feelings as you would have liked to have shared, perhaps at a special place that honors him in some way, or maybe just by lighting a candle, whatever feels right. Maybe burn what you wrote as a sacred ceremony kind of thing if you don't want anyone else to ever see it. I do that often...write down feelings then let them go up in smoke..and sitting with the fire itself is therapeutic in its own way.

Planting a flower, fruit tree/edible anything, or even getting a low maintenance houseplant in his honor is a small way you could nurture his memory. I went back and planted wild flowers in a space I was violated just so I could finally watch something grow and be beautiful in a space that had previously caused my emotional stunted growth and much ugliness in my life.

When we've not been healthily loved ourselves, or ever taught how to healthily love ourselves by the examples of those we were raised by, it complicates things so much more. Those feelings can't be taken away by others, unfortunately, at least not that I've found yet. Wishing you peace in your heart.

 

[Lionheart]

@Deeem ,

I agree with what has been said here by other members and I am so sorry for your pain and loss!!!

I am a survivor of sexual child abuse and did not receive unconditional love from my parents. There were times in my life when I did not love my daughter the way I wish I had. I was just not capable of it. and where would I have learned to? I was unable to give unconditional love to my daughter until I had healed, and by then, she was a grown woman.

I had to let go of the guilt and shame I felt because the way I was raised and the abuse were not my fault. I could not change my behavior, (the way that I loved her), until I got professional help and worked for many years on healing....there is no shame in that!

I believe that you did the best you could with what life handed you and I am so sorry that you were handed abuse,....no one deserves that!!!

Please try to see that your love for your son was the best you were able to give him at the time. Your set of circumstances were not your fault!

I don't know if you can understand or feel the compassion and empathy that I am trying to extend to you. I know my circumstances were not exactly the same as yours, but still I wish you peace and comfort deep down in your heart and soul.

I hope something I have said here is helpful to you and if not, please forgive me for my failure.

Lionheart777

 

[Deeem]

@Deeem ,

I agree with what has been said here by other members and I am so sorr...

Lionheart777, Thank You! Everything you said makes sense and it was very helpful. I know I have to work on these feelings with my therapist more. I believe I will get past these feelings. Maybe it's part of the grief that I am feeling not letting me get past these feelings right now. I am happy to know that people like you and everyone else here care and I am not alone.

(((Hugs))) Only his physical body left, his energy is still very much around, I believe. I m...

Thank You

Thank You

Thank you for the ideas. They sound wonderful! I feel it could be helpful. I hope you don't mind if I share these ideas with my therapist. I would like to work out what might be helpful to me. Thank you very much!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Share away, dear heart.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I thought I was loving him. I miss my son.

The fact that you miss him shows not only did you have a relationship with your son but that you also loved him as well.

I am so sorry about the loss of your son. I am so sorry that you are so tortured over this, I think you did love your son in spite of having ambilivent feelings about him. You had and have the right to those feelings.

My mother was date raped and forced to marry her rapist because she was pregnant with me. She did not love me at all ever and had three more kids by him. I really believe that you are being ruthlessly so hard on your self right now. Please be very gentle with you right now because if you are going to survive this grief you have to be kind to you and rest assured that you did in fact love him. A heartless person would not be struggling the way you are. I hope that this makes some sense. Sending comforting and healing hugs.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Supervixn]

I'm literally in tears for you. I'm so sorry. I hear and feel your words and where you're coming from, you didn't really want to hurt your son and of COURSE you didn't want him to die--nobody thinks that here.

You're a strong woman to endure the life you've described, and I'm sure you have done your best under those horrifying circumstances. You're also quite brave to share such a heartfelt and honest post.

Don't be hard on yourself. I don't know why we do this to ourselves when we are in pain... Of all the horrible parents out there (like yours, not to be harsh)... you did what you could and I'm sure he knew that in life and now he has peace with it in death.

How do you think about death? I regard death as a peaceful place full of love and unity... not something to dread or fear.

This may sound bizarre and might be too out there for you, but reading about NDEs give insight to the "otherside"... the themes are so alike, throughout different countries and among different types of people. I hope I'm not being too forward when I say that I believe any suffering your son had in life is now over. I'm sure he knew you loved him. Think of what your son would say to you now about this... would he blame you for some "horrible" life? Or would he thank you for showing strength and as much resilience as you could, wouldn't he thank you for being his mother while he was here? Be kind to yourself... you did your best. We all do. Stay strong

 

[Deleted member 33052]

When we are raised in abusive situations, we don't know how to - or even understand how to - love in a Hallmark cards sort of way. I've always believed that was an ugly flaw of mine, but our fellow members have helped me to understand that it was the best love I had to give, and it was infinitely better than what I received. Even if we can't see it, we rise above the lies of our abusers. We try. We try so hard. We care. We don't want our children to suffer the way that we did, and do.

My heart aches for you. I understand the guilt you're feeling. We all do. We've all made mistakes in parenting, and felt that we've ruined our children in some way. But your son would have seen your pain. He would have known, deep in his soul, that you truly did love him. He may have even understood that your love was constrained by a pain and shame that you could never speak of. Our souls intuit more than our brains could ever imagine.

Please, please, be kind to yourself. You truly did the best that you could. You did an amazing job considering the tools you were given. You've suffered a terrible, tragic loss, despite your very best efforts. You need self-compassion now, not self-loathing. (((hug)))