Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
A friend of mine recently told me that I should start journaling and I thought that maybe this would be a good place to do so.
I've been in a weird place lately. I started taking Gabapentin for my anxiety about a month ago and I think it might be having an effect. I definitely have some of the side effects like drowsiness and the dizziness but I also have felt less anxious about a few things. The thing is that I think the anxiety was blocking a lot of my other emotions and other emotions are now getting through. Some of this is good- for the first time in my recollection I woke up the other morning smiling and happy for no apparent reason. But sometimes I get triggered by something. Sometimes I find myself crying for no reason that I can identify. Sometimes I think about things I haven't thought about in years for no apparent reason. Some really painful memories have been coming up. Sometimes I just want to go back to being a pile of anxiety- it's a beast I know and can mostly manage.
I keep thinking about all of the times I was forgotten. I keep remembering that feeling of knowing that no one was coming to pick me up after school or getting left places. Despite rationally knowing that I have people that love me and care about me, I keep wondering if they'll eventually leave me too. I'm really having trouble in this area with my therapist. I've been abandoned by so many mental health professionals. When are all of these people going to realize that I am not worth remembering? I keep feeling like it's coming, despite all of the overwhelming evidence that my therapist, my friends, and my husband are rock solid and not going anywhere.
I keep thinking that I need to put some distance between me and my mom. She spent my entire childhood blaming me for everything. We have a strained relationship, at best. I can't talk to her about anything important. She has no idea that I had to miss a month of work to deal with my mental health issues. She has no idea that I'm currently in therapy or taking medication to address my issues. I can't tell her because she'll attack it. I can't tell her when I'm having a physical medical problem because she belittles it and dismisses it. So I sit there on the phone with her for hours being invisible. Listening to her talk about politics and triggering deep negative feelings of helplessness. I can't change the current political landscape. I voted already and that's really the thing I can do. And so much of current politics is so negative and heading in what I think is a bad direction. So I sit there for hours listening to all of these things that make me feel horrible. And I just can't leave. I feel as trapped during those conversations as I did in my childhood. I go back to this place where I don't matter and my feelings don't matter. And if I don't answer her calls, she just keeps calling. And if I still don't answer, she freaks out and involves other family members. There's this dark place of my soul that feels like I'll be relieved when she's gone. And then I feel like shit because who roots for someone else to die?
I've been in a weird place lately. I started taking Gabapentin for my anxiety about a month ago and I think it might be having an effect. I definitely have some of the side effects like drowsiness and the dizziness but I also have felt less anxious about a few things. The thing is that I think the anxiety was blocking a lot of my other emotions and other emotions are now getting through. Some of this is good- for the first time in my recollection I woke up the other morning smiling and happy for no apparent reason. But sometimes I get triggered by something. Sometimes I find myself crying for no reason that I can identify. Sometimes I think about things I haven't thought about in years for no apparent reason. Some really painful memories have been coming up. Sometimes I just want to go back to being a pile of anxiety- it's a beast I know and can mostly manage.
I keep thinking about all of the times I was forgotten. I keep remembering that feeling of knowing that no one was coming to pick me up after school or getting left places. Despite rationally knowing that I have people that love me and care about me, I keep wondering if they'll eventually leave me too. I'm really having trouble in this area with my therapist. I've been abandoned by so many mental health professionals. When are all of these people going to realize that I am not worth remembering? I keep feeling like it's coming, despite all of the overwhelming evidence that my therapist, my friends, and my husband are rock solid and not going anywhere.
I keep thinking that I need to put some distance between me and my mom. She spent my entire childhood blaming me for everything. We have a strained relationship, at best. I can't talk to her about anything important. She has no idea that I had to miss a month of work to deal with my mental health issues. She has no idea that I'm currently in therapy or taking medication to address my issues. I can't tell her because she'll attack it. I can't tell her when I'm having a physical medical problem because she belittles it and dismisses it. So I sit there on the phone with her for hours being invisible. Listening to her talk about politics and triggering deep negative feelings of helplessness. I can't change the current political landscape. I voted already and that's really the thing I can do. And so much of current politics is so negative and heading in what I think is a bad direction. So I sit there for hours listening to all of these things that make me feel horrible. And I just can't leave. I feel as trapped during those conversations as I did in my childhood. I go back to this place where I don't matter and my feelings don't matter. And if I don't answer her calls, she just keeps calling. And if I still don't answer, she freaks out and involves other family members. There's this dark place of my soul that feels like I'll be relieved when she's gone. And then I feel like shit because who roots for someone else to die?