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- #181
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
In terms of my job, today went far better than I expected. I had expected to get yelled at for something I legitimately screwed up back in December. Instead, I was able to fix it enough that I escaped the cruel grasp of punishment. I even got thanked by my boss for my hard work and that hard work was fixing my own mistake. I need to get some work done tonight but things are in a state of much less chaos now than they were yesterday.
However, I feel awful. I don't really understand why. I woke up feeling empowered. It's probably why I charged ahead and focused on my professional responsibilities today. It was a good day to do that too- so many meetings! I was on Zoom nearly the entire work day. But at some point in the day I asked myself what I should read next. I know I could get great advice by asking here on the forums or even just doing my own research. It occurred to me that maybe I should ask my T about it. Maybe there's a book he has read (he never finished "The Body Keeps the Score") that he thinks would be good for me to read. I thought maybe there would be things I could then talk to him about in the book if something niggled at me and it could be a great place to have a conversation from. I figured it would help me keep him on this journey with me instead of me going down paths that are either wrong or totally different than what he is seeing. It took me months to utter the acronym PTSD in front of him. I still haven't been able to work up the courage to mention the complex part of that. Mentally, I think I see myself differently than he does and I don't know if I'm right or if he just doesn't know me well enough to see the things that I see. Maybe it could even make it easier to talk to him about some things that I've been avoiding. I debated asking him for a few hours because I hate bothering him between sessions but ultimately decided that asking him seemed to have benefits and should take maybe five minutes out of his day to respond to and that shouldn't be a super big deal.
So, I asked. He responded a few hours later with telling me that he is polling his colleagues and will get back to me about it. I feel terrible about this for two main reasons. First, it may or may not be a book that he is familiar with. So I probably can't talk to him about it. Second, this is a lot more work on his part than I had planned to ask him for. Maybe I'm just a weirdo who reads too much. Maybe it was an inappropriate question to ask. I don't always feel like I know what the rules of therapy are.
I know I won't ever ask again. I could always ask in my IOP grad group- there are some readers in there. And of course I could ask here. It's not about the book. It was so hard to ask for the little thing, worrying about being a bother. It turned into a bigger ask than I intended.
However, I feel awful. I don't really understand why. I woke up feeling empowered. It's probably why I charged ahead and focused on my professional responsibilities today. It was a good day to do that too- so many meetings! I was on Zoom nearly the entire work day. But at some point in the day I asked myself what I should read next. I know I could get great advice by asking here on the forums or even just doing my own research. It occurred to me that maybe I should ask my T about it. Maybe there's a book he has read (he never finished "The Body Keeps the Score") that he thinks would be good for me to read. I thought maybe there would be things I could then talk to him about in the book if something niggled at me and it could be a great place to have a conversation from. I figured it would help me keep him on this journey with me instead of me going down paths that are either wrong or totally different than what he is seeing. It took me months to utter the acronym PTSD in front of him. I still haven't been able to work up the courage to mention the complex part of that. Mentally, I think I see myself differently than he does and I don't know if I'm right or if he just doesn't know me well enough to see the things that I see. Maybe it could even make it easier to talk to him about some things that I've been avoiding. I debated asking him for a few hours because I hate bothering him between sessions but ultimately decided that asking him seemed to have benefits and should take maybe five minutes out of his day to respond to and that shouldn't be a super big deal.
So, I asked. He responded a few hours later with telling me that he is polling his colleagues and will get back to me about it. I feel terrible about this for two main reasons. First, it may or may not be a book that he is familiar with. So I probably can't talk to him about it. Second, this is a lot more work on his part than I had planned to ask him for. Maybe I'm just a weirdo who reads too much. Maybe it was an inappropriate question to ask. I don't always feel like I know what the rules of therapy are.
I know I won't ever ask again. I could always ask in my IOP grad group- there are some readers in there. And of course I could ask here. It's not about the book. It was so hard to ask for the little thing, worrying about being a bother. It turned into a bigger ask than I intended.