Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

Confident
I'm coming down off of my anger (which is probably a good thing- might sleep better). I've been thinking a lot about my mom and that relationship today. That relationship is thoroughly toxic. To know this, I simply have to look over my journal entries. So I've been considering what I want that relationship to look like moving forward. It has to change. I may have reached the point where I've changed enough that I can't be the person I once was in that relationship. The incidents of yesterday thoroughly pissed me off but a year ago, I would have been more understanding and patient, pitying my mother's helplessness. She is not my responsibility. She never should have been. My whole damn life has revolved around her. I deserve to have my own life and to find happiness. God knows she never has.

L has noticed that this year that I handle my boss a lot better than I did last year. She doesn't affect me the way that she used to. She still irritates me but I don't spiral over my interactions with her. My mother seems to have more power to affect me than she used to. So, I've been thinking about why that has gone the other way.

A called me tonight to chat and see what was going on yesterday. I told her the story and she was astounded by my mother's actions. We talked about her narcissism and A really thought about how well fitting that diagnosis would be. We agree that she will never change because she just doesn't want to. So, the only thing left to change is me. We were discussing the fact that my mom doesn't know I'm in therapy. I go to two different groups every week and I have individual therapy once or twice per month. It's definitely a big chunk of my non-work life. I'm pretty open about it with people as well. I see no shame in having a medical problem and trying to get better. I told her about how I had been punished as a kid for talking to mental health professionals and how against therapy my mom is. A then asked the question I needed to be asked. What would happen if I told her now? I'd had it so ingrained in my head for so long that therapy must be kept secret from mom or bad things will happen that I never stopped to think about the reality of present day. In truth, my mother can't do a damn thing to me for going to therapy. She can throw a fit if she'd like. I guess she could stop talking to me or convince my brother to stop talking to me. But I don't rely on her for meeting any of my basic needs. I don't know how successful she'd be at cutting off my relationship with my brother. But at the end of the day, she could cut me out of the will and the family but my life would go on just fine and that's the absolute worst she could throw at me. It's an interesting question. The truth is that I think I don't tell her as a way of keeping her out of my life. It's a barrier. I think what would happen is that she would turn into the victim over it and make it all about her. It would put a strain on my resolve to continue with therapy. I'm not sure if I'm at a place where I would remain resolute but I also think that if I'm not there yet, I will be relatively soon. Still not sure I'll ever tell her though. It's honestly not her business and I don't owe her that information.

So the thing to figure out really is, who I am going to be in this relationship moving forward? What role can I play while still growing? I think I'm getting more irritated with her because I have grown. I'm no where near done with this journey. Not by a long shot. I have a lot of stuff to still work out. But, I'm also not in a place anymore where I can sit back and be complacent in the abuse. I can see it now. I couldn't see it before. When you've lived in it for all of those years, it's just normal. My old normal isn't good enough for me anymore. I still don't know what a reasonable relationship with her that won't affect me would look like. But this is the question. Perhaps, if I can't figure it out on my own, my T could help me with this.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Last night, the husband creature and I watched a few episodes of the show "Forged in Fire". I definitely like it (I think more than him). I hadn't seen it before and I think it's cool to see the process of things like that being made by hand.

I have no desire to become a blacksmith or a bladesmith but I've always been drawn to a less structured, more creative life. Watching the show made me wonder if maybe, without all of the fear from trauma and the deep seeded need I have for security, if this is a similar path to what I might have done with my life. I've always had a deep love for writing but it's a hard path to walk. Most writers don't reach the levels of financial security afforded to people like Stephen King or J. K. Rowling. Or perhaps I would have pursued a life as a vocalist and had the confidence to take those risks and be more comfortable being the center of attention. I've always had a fascination with glass blowing but can never quite bring myself to devote the time and money to learning how to do it. After all, I grew up in a household where things that weren't going to make money were a waste of time.

I only really had three main interests in high school- skiing, video games, and volleyball. Anything I wanted to do in those areas were always paid for by my dad. My mom wouldn't even pick me up from volleyball games or skiing events. Other people's parents or, when I got older, classmates provided rides for me to get home from those late nights. Even other events like formal dances involved me having to make arrangements.

I remember once that the winter formal was during one of her many trips with stepdad 2 to Vegas. She didn't want me to go because she wanted me home watching my younger brother. I tried to tell my boyfriend at the time that I couldn't go because mom would be in Vegas and she cut me off while I was on the phone with him. She didn't want people to know she'd be gone for two weeks leaving her 14 year old daughter to watch her 11 year old son. She gave me a curfew of 2 am to be home and told me she'd call right at 2 and I better answer. But I knew she wasn't going to call. She'd be too busy partying on the strip and wasting money. She did actually eventually call me at 2 am but it was days later on a school night. She yelled at me for taking so long to answer the phone. I told her I was sleeping but she said that wasn't an excuse. She asked if I was home on time and I told her the dance was days ago and that it was a school night now. I should have just said yes. She got angry and yelled at me for being disrespectful. Luckily she was drunk enough or didn't care enough that she forgot about this phone call by the time she got home.

Maybe someday I'll feel really free. In truth, yes I have some constraints on the life I've built with my husband, but she can't tell me what to do anymore. In truth, I've been keeping so much information from her in the past few years that I am a stranger to her without her knowing it. I have the freedom to do as I wish and her judgment isn't based in reality. Now I just need to believe that that's true.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Yesterday, L said that she believes that the trauma from my childhood is the reason that I am the way that I am. How I am is what is normal for me. I don't really know any other way.

My husband and I just got into a fight. We don't really ever fight but I think I have to stand my ground on this one. He's been concerned that I am going to cut my mother and subsequently my brother and his family out of my life. He feels like it's a snap decision and unjustified. It makes me feel like he doesn't believe the bits and pieces from my childhood that I've told him. I feel like he's not on my side. My mother likes him more than she likes me and probably on some subconscious level knows that since he's not her child, he's not going to put up with the abuse and nastiness that I do. I don't understand how he doesn't see how deeply she affects me after each and every phone call. And on top of that, it wasn't even what I was saying. I was talking about how to develop internal boundaries with my mother so that her voice in my head could affect me less. Because that's the real issue. It's not the things that she says to me in present day that cut me deep. It's the things that her words trigger from my childhood. I don't know how possible it is to disconnect the two and make them separate.

He feels like I should talk to my T before making any decision. Maybe? I hadn't really planned on talking to him about this nor was I planning on making a decision in the next few days. Not unless something else happens.

I spent my entire childhood being told I was attention seeking and dramatic. I believe I was gaslit through my entire childhood. Being told by the person I trust most in the world that maybe things aren't that bad is hard. I'm forty years old now. I believe that half of my lifetime is likely to be gone, if not more. I want to find a way to heal, not worry about other people's feelings. He never almost died from the neglect I suffered through, multiple times. He's not the one so haunted by nightmares that he has to be medicated just to sleep. He doesn't really understand the battles I am trying my hardest to get through. I guess he just can't really see the pain I'm in.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday, L said that she believes that the trauma from my childhood is the reason that I am the way that I am. How I am is what is normal for me. I don't really know any other way.

My husband and I just got into a fight. We don't really ever fight but I think I have to stand my ground on this one. He's been concerned that I am going to cut my mother and subsequently my brother and his family out of my life. He feels like it's a snap decision and unjustified. It makes me feel like he doesn't believe the bits and pieces from my childhood that I've told him. I feel like he's not on my side. My mother likes him more than she likes me and probably on some subconscious level knows that since he's not her child, he's not going to put up with the abuse and nastiness that I do. I don't understand how he doesn't see how deeply she affects me after each and every phone call. And on top of that, it wasn't even what I was saying. I was talking about how to develop internal boundaries with my mother so that her voice in my head could affect me less. Because that's the real issue. It's not the things that she says to me in present day that cut me deep. It's the things that her words trigger from my childhood. I don't know how possible it is to disconnect the two and make them separate.

He feels like I should talk to my T before making any decision. Maybe? I hadn't really planned on talking to him about this nor was I planning on making a decision in the next few days. Not unless something else happens.

I spent my entire childhood being told I was attention seeking and dramatic. I believe I was gaslit through my entire childhood. Being told by the person I trust most in the world that maybe things aren't that bad is hard. I'm forty years old now. I believe that half of my lifetime is likely to be gone, if not more. I want to find a way to heal, not worry about other people's feelings. He never almost died from the neglect I suffered through, multiple times. He's not the one so haunted by nightmares that he has to be medicated just to sleep. He doesn't really understand the battles I am trying my hardest to get through. I guess he just can't really see the pain I'm in.
That's hard, what you are going through. The sense of him not understanding or trusting your judgement, I imagine it might make you feel a bit alone with what you are going through with your Ma.

It sounds like he doesn't understands narcissistic abuse, and that's challenging for you, because he's your nearest and dearest. Lots of people don't. I'd warrant most people don't and it's frustrating for those of us who's lives have been nearly utterly destroyed by it. It's a bit crazy-making to be around other's who know the person but who are blind to the covert and psychological abuse that we experience, as both happening under their nose and still hurting us from what's gone down, in the past.

You are not alone with it though. Some of us really get it.

Unfortunately you can't make him understand, but, you can be strong in knowing yourself and holding your ground.

Cutting ties with family IS a big deal and from his perspective- someone who hasn't been a victim of narcissistic abuse~ the "supply victim", as is called in circles of narcy abuse survivors, maybe to him, it's a too harsh decision.

But YOU KNOW, only YOU know what you've been through, with your Ma and what's in your best interests.

Maybe, you could compromise, with him and say that you just need a break, from your Ma, that for your recovery and wellness, you need to trial time away from being your Ma's go-to girl. That you don't feel respected by her and it might improve things between you, if you put your foot down.

I recently heard back from a friend
and a "boss" ( I have done a lot of musical "back up" for her over many years) who just called me after I walked away from her treating me, a bit narcissisticly. She apologized for "bullying me" and spoke about how highly she thought of me and the work I did for her.

She is in her mid to late 70's and I walked away, close to 10 years ago.

I'm not assuming your mum is capable of such self awareness and humility and honesty. To be honest, mine isn't, so far. But, what I am saying, is that if you don't make a show of self respect, strong boundaries and discernment by letting her know you can't keep being taken for granted, bullied and expolited; by refusing to allow her, or ANYONE to keep treating you shabbily, then you never give her the opportunity to reflect on why you cut ties. This way, she MIGHT learn from her mistakes, whereas if you just keep putting up with her shabby treatment of you, what incentive is there for her to look at herself and do the brave and humble work of owning her mistakes and trying to treat you better?

Your hubby might not understand, YET, and he might never. She obviously knows that she has to hide that side of herself from him or her "nice person" cover will be blown. My kid's are still blind to the extent of the narcissistic abuse that their dad has heaped on me over so many years. Or maybe they just can't afford to see it, it's a hard thing to acknowledge and much easier to be ignor-ant of it.

Please, try not to too judge him too harshly for his lack of understanding. I know it only too well and it hurts, but he just can't see it the way, we, who have lived under it, for so long, and who have been, so, nearly, destroyed by it, understand what you are dealing with, with your Ma.

You can insist that he trust you and respect your decision though.

It's yours and yours alone to make.

You are a grown woman. A wise, kind, responsible, intelligent and strong woman who knows her own mind. I can see that, sooooo clearly.

If you remain as calm as you can, but stay strong in what you know to be true, he will only gain in learning to respect, trust and honour your decisions (I hope) .

Over time, he might get it, or maybe he will see her abuse treatment of you after you put your foot down. Abusive people often lose it when we start taking our power back. Having power over us, is like their drug of choice and when we cut their supply, they lose their shit and blow their covers. It is a well know fact that leaving abusive relationships, or trying to leave abuse relationships, is often, the most dangerous time.

Mine smeared me all over town and it was only people who knew me well or very aware people, who saw through the lies and character assassination.

Expect her to try to get through him to get to you. He needs to have your back. He might not get her and the extent of what you've been through, but he sure knows you and needs to protect you from her, if she tries to get to you through him.

I lost "friends" who bought his lies and tried to "mediate" and communicate threats, from my ex. I tried to tell them not to get in the middle, but, this one woman, who is herself somewhat narsisistic, kept trying to "fix" my break up, and it destroyed our 20 yr relationship. At least it showed me her colours too.

So, I just hope, for your sake, that he can.just back you up, support your decision and be a strong and stable buffer zone for you, and allow you to set the pace of, either communicating with her, or not, as you see fit.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@mumstheword , I read your response right before I went to bed. There's a lot of great information in there, some of it very enlightening to me, and I needed to think about it. Will probably need even more time to mull it over. Thank you for such a thorough response.

Cutting ties with family IS a big deal and from his perspective- someone who hasn't been a victim of narcissistic abuse~ the "supply victim", as is called in circles of narcy abuse survivors, maybe to him, it's a too harsh decision.

I had never heard the term "supply victim" before and had to look it up. I found a website that lists 20 signs of Narcissistic Supply and the vast majority of those 20 things very clearly apply to me. I didn't recognize my mother's narcissism until Ladee mentioned it awhile ago in response to a different post. I mentioned the idea to a long time friend who is a therapist herself and she 100% agreed with the idea. She's known me for well over a decade and has watched the long term chaos my mother brings into my life. She also firmly believes that me cutting my mother off is not a rash decision but is instead long over due.

I'm not assuming your mum is capable of such self awareness and humility and honesty. To be honest, mine isn't, so far. But, what I am saying, is that if you don't make a show of self respect, strong boundaries and discernment by letting her know you can't keep being taken for granted, bullied and expolited; by refusing to allow her, or ANYONE to keep treating you shabbily, then you never give her the opportunity to reflect on why you cut ties. This way, she MIGHT learn from her mistakes, whereas if you just keep putting up with her shabby treatment of you, what incentive is there for her to look at herself and do the brave and humble work of owning her mistakes and trying to treat you better?

My mother isn't capable of any real change. I cut her off once before for three or four years. Those years are a bit blurry in my memory due to excessive drug and alcohol abuse. But I did start getting a lot better during that time and eventually stopped abusing drugs and alcohol and started doing really well in college. She didn't learn from her mistakes but instead was the victim in the situation, telling everyone who would listen how much she loved me, how she did the best she could, and how she didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to her. At this point in my life, her actual actions are usually more like microaggressions (although she does have her days when she's downright nasty). But I am not healed enough to not be reactive to the microaggressions. It pings on hurts from long ago.

I also know that things do need to change in that relationship or I might as well quit therapy. Real healing cannot occur with a constant source of toxicity flowing down on me. It will forever keep those destructive core beliefs of mine in tact. I don't know if the EMDR can work on helping me to find that I am a lovable person (the first thing we're using EMDR to address) if I keep getting reinforcement that I am unlovable. I've been really trying to figure out what that relationship needs to look like for me to be okay and to find healing. I'm not dead set on cutting her off. I am dead set on making some changes. If I can figure out a way to get her words to have no effect on me, cutting her off is unnecessary. I don't know what that looks like and if it's even possible. I need genuine love to heal and hopefully at some point I can be the primary source of that. But I'm not there yet. So I need the external things in my life to loving. My husband generally is very loving. I have really good friends who are amazingly supportive. But my mother is not. Some of the things she says appear on the surface to be loving but they're always tainted with at least a little poison. And I'm definitely still at a point where I desperately want her approval and love. So, I eat up any message coming from her that is positive and take the poison with it, only to figure out later that the message was actually destructive.

For example, she'll start out the conversation acting interested in how I am doing. She eventually will change the topic to politics. I try to cut her off as politics are a trigger for my anxiety and she'll get upset that she listened to me about my life and now I'm not willing to listen to her about her life. But the difference is that, while I am genuinely discussing my life with her (usually superficial things like my job or a movie I saw, etc), her incessant prattling about politics isn't actually about her. The overall message is that if she shows me any kindness, I owe her my attention to listen to whatever she wants to talk about, even things that are damaging to me. She knows I don't want to discuss politics but that's always the only topic she wants to talk about and my feelings and needs don't matter. But it's dressed up as love- she's giving me attention and seeming to care about my life. I hope that makes sense.

I think it may be wholly impossible for me to move forward with any real amount of contact with her. I'm not at a place yet where I can let her words pass by me because some part of me desperately still wants her to love me and accept me. I don't think I am capable of having strong boundaries with her as a result nor can I put up those walls around my heart to ignore her words. And to limit my exposure to her, I will definitely need to get my husband on board.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Sadie, I'm hearing very legitimate questions as to whether or not you can learn to let her words not touch you. Sounds like a superhuman expectation of yourself. Not saying it can't be done. But narcs knows how to change the game in such subtle ways as to keep making new wounds. Or picking the scabs off of old ones.

You have a clear insight into what she is doing. And how it's making you feel. I feel this is going to be a huge positive for you as you move forward. And you may always want her to love you, but you will eventually know that it isn't about you the reason that she can't or won't. It's about her. It won't keep it from hurting, but at least you will know it's not because you are less than and all the crap she has fed you about herself since you were born.

And hopefully, it will teach you to be tenderly compassionate to yourself for having been raised by someone like your mother. The damage is real. The pain is real. You've never blamed her for not achieving what you wanted. You went ahead in spite of her to get your education. Have a good man in your life, etc.

Now it's YOUR turn. To find that you ARE loveable. You do deserve respect. You do have a great mind and are a good woman.

I hope with time, and you talking to your husband, that he comes to understand where you are with cutting her out of your life,if and when it comes to that.

You are a therapist's dream having the insight you do. You won't heal without pain, but you already know pain. This kind of pain is healing, eventually. Not the kind your mother feeds you every time you talk with her. Like you said, making you bleed from old wounds.

You got this Sadie. Be true to yourself, even if you aren't sure what that means yet. Gentle hugs for you Sadie. You are a good person in spite of what you were told and how you were treated.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
@mumstheword , I read your response right before I went to bed. There's a lot of great information in there, some of it very enlightening to me, and I needed to think about it. Will probably need even more time to mull it over. Thank you for such a thorough response.



I had never heard the term "supply victim" before and had to look it up. I found a website that lists 20 signs of Narcissistic Supply and the vast majority of those 20 things very clearly apply to me. I didn't recognize my mother's narcissism until Ladee mentioned it awhile ago in response to a different post. I mentioned the idea to a long time friend who is a therapist herself and she 100% agreed with the idea. She's known me for well over a decade and has watched the long term chaos my mother brings into my life. She also firmly believes that me cutting my mother off is not a rash decision but is instead long over due.



My mother isn't capable of any real change. I cut her off once before for three or four years. Those years are a bit blurry in my memory due to excessive drug and alcohol abuse. But I did start getting a lot better during that time and eventually stopped abusing drugs and alcohol and started doing really well in college. She didn't learn from her mistakes but instead was the victim in the situation, telling everyone who would listen how much she loved me, how she did the best she could, and how she didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to her. At this point in my life, her actual actions are usually more like microaggressions (although she does have her days when she's downright nasty). But I am not healed enough to not be reactive to the microaggressions. It pings on hurts from long ago.

I also know that things do need to change in that relationship or I might as well quit therapy. Real healing cannot occur with a constant source of toxicity flowing down on me. It will forever keep those destructive core beliefs of mine in tact. I don't know if the EMDR can work on helping me to find that I am a lovable person (the first thing we're using EMDR to address) if I keep getting reinforcement that I am unlovable. I've been really trying to figure out what that relationship needs to look like for me to be okay and to find healing. I'm not dead set on cutting her off. I am dead set on making some changes. If I can figure out a way to get her words to have no effect on me, cutting her off is unnecessary. I don't know what that looks like and if it's even possible. I need genuine love to heal and hopefully at some point I can be the primary source of that. But I'm not there yet. So I need the external things in my life to loving. My husband generally is very loving. I have really good friends who are amazingly supportive. But my mother is not. Some of the things she says appear on the surface to be loving but they're always tainted with at least a little poison. And I'm definitely still at a point where I desperately want her approval and love. So, I eat up any message coming from her that is positive and take the poison with it, only to figure out later that the message was actually destructive.

For example, she'll start out the conversation acting interested in how I am doing. She eventually will change the topic to politics. I try to cut her off as politics are a trigger for my anxiety and she'll get upset that she listened to me about my life and now I'm not willing to listen to her about her life. But the difference is that, while I am genuinely discussing my life with her (usually superficial things like my job or a movie I saw, etc), her incessant prattling about politics isn't actually about her. The overall message is that if she shows me any kindness, I owe her my attention to listen to whatever she wants to talk about, even things that are damaging to me. She knows I don't want to discuss politics but that's always the only topic she wants to talk about and my feelings and needs don't matter. But it's dressed up as love- she's giving me attention and seeming to care about my life. I hope that makes sense.

I think it may be wholly impossible for me to move forward with any real amount of contact with her. I'm not at a place yet where I can let her words pass by me because some part of me desperately still wants her to love me and accept me. I don't think I am capable of having strong boundaries with her as a result nor can I put up those walls around my heart to ignore her words. And to limit my exposure to her, I will definitely need to get my husband on board.
I totally get it. My Ma made herself the victim, too, when I stopped talking to her for a couple of years.

I had a series of miscarriages after too much other stuff and I had no more to give and my mother requires lots of giving to.

We now text occasionally and have had a couple of phone calls per year for the last couple of years. Honestly? That's enough for me.

She isn't interested in why I stopped wanting to see her.

I wouldn't handle your Ma's politics, either. From my point of view, she sounds grossly misinformed, anyway and, I suspect her politics is an extention of her narcissism.

I think time away is essential, if that person is a source of constant triggers and lack of safety.

I was desparate for love and approval from my Ma, too, and went out of my way to be giving and supportive of her, but, someone like my mother, is really too self absorbed, entitled and judgemental to give me the kind of sensitive and appreciate feedback that would have attended to my emotional needs, so, in the end, it was too costly, emotionally, and a wound that never got to heal, while I kept the dynamic going.

I now talk to both my narcissistic abusers, occasionally, and only superficially and never going into anything raw or real or anything that requires me being vulnerable or emotionally open to them, because I know they don't care enough about me to bother wanting to tend to my needs, refuse to be real with me and aren't trustworthy in ways that count.

But that is after YEARS of having to put in super boundaries with them and I stopped hoping that they would act like "normal" - empathetic, respectful and reciprocal people.
 
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mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
There is a lot of good youtube resources about healing from narcissistic abuse. Richard Gannon and Tonia Evans come to mind, also Lisa A. Ramano. All brilliant, insightful, empowering and validating for folks like us, who have been damaged from these kinds of relationships.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Sadie, I'm hearing very legitimate questions as to whether or not you can learn to let her words not touch you. Sounds like a superhuman expectation of yourself. Not saying it can't be done. But narcs knows how to change the game in such subtle ways as to keep making new wounds. Or picking the scabs off of old ones.

I agree. It's why I've been questioning how much involvement in the relationship I can have. If I had a strong enough relationship with my brother that I could cut her off without losing that relationship, it would be a much easier choice. So I'm looking at what I can realistically do to minimize damage before taking such a large step. I also think in the meantime I need to start trying to build up a better relationship with my brother so that the option of cutting her off is a better option with fewer additional consequences.

Now it's YOUR turn. To find that you ARE loveable. You do deserve respect. You do have a great mind and are a good woman.

This is the goal. I hope someday I can say those words about myself and mean them.

I had another talk with my husband. I told him a few stories from my childhood- nothing super traumatic but still messed up. His eyes got pretty wide on some of the things that I told him. I think it helped him to start understanding. I told him that I realize she's not as bad now as she was back then but it triggers a lot of old wounds. He acknowledged that she can be super nasty at times and can see reasons why I'd want to cut her off just based on her present behavior.

He is in agreement with me that there will be limited contact with her moving forward. Maybe it doesn't need to be a dramatic cutoff but significant limitation is in order. He also agreed that maybe he participate in some of the phone calls because she is less abusive when he's present as well.

I was desparate for love and approval from my Ma, too, and went out of my way to be giving and supportive of her, but, someone like my mother, is really too self absorbed, entitled and judgemental to give me the kind of sensitive and appreciate feedback that would have attended to my emotional needs, so, in the end, it was too costly, emotionally, and a wound that never got to heal, while I kept the dynamic going.

This is a great description of where I currently am with her. I remember about a decade ago I had this job where I worked with adults with autism who were too disabled to work a job or live independently. They needed assistance with toileting and some with eating. Very disabled people. Most of them lived in group homes. The room I was in charge of was for severely behavioral cases. There was a lot of physical violence in my room. We had one individual in there with intermittent explosive disorder. Generally the guy liked me but he could go from being calm to very violent. One day, I was alone in the room with him and a few other individuals and he had one of his episodes. He was a big guy, well over 6 feet tall and strong as hell. He grabbed me by the throat, picked me up off of the ground, and body slammed me into the floor, all while choking the air out of me. I somehow wound up pinned under a table as well. I tried hard to pry his hands off of my throat but he was too strong. Someone heard the commotion and sent help to my room. It took six men to get him off of me. My neck was incredibly bruised from this for weeks. I remember sitting at my desk after the situation was cleared up and chatting with one of the other room supervisors. She was worried about my mental state. I told her that I thought I needed to find another job and get out. I'd already gone to the hospital three times that year with concussions.

I talked to my mom later that day and she shrugged it off, saying I was exaggerating and it wasn't that bad. She saw the bruising around my throat a few days later and said she'd seen worse and that the most important thing was for me to have a job. She was literally putting that 12.50 per hour job above my physical and mental well-being. It took me years to stop having flashbacks to that day. It might have been different if it had been an isolated incident but I was always coming home bleeding or banged up in some way. I think of this example because even with physical proof, she still couldn't value me enough as a person, as her daughter, to offer any sympathy or concern for my well-being.

But that is after YEARS of having to put in super boundaries with them and I stopped hoping that they would act like "normal" - empathetic, respectful and reciprocal people.

And this is the skill I need to learn. I haven't found a good way to create the boundaries I need and actually hold to them. On a rational level, I completely acknowledge that my mother is incapable of being empathetic, respectful, or reciprocal. My emotions and that hurt child that's still in there somewhere, screaming for someone to love her, they haven't accepted that yet. That might be the problem.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Today's been pretty uneventful. I got three of my six class's grade caught up, which is good. I got some paperwork sent out to parents. I hope to get more stuff done tomorrow. At least I didn't do any work on Saturday and really took a day for myself. I even got to watch my Bills win the division round game. We've got a shot at the big game. I remember watching the first Superbowl loss to the Giants when I was 10 with my dad. He was crushed. It's not going to be an easy road but it would be nice to see them win after all of these years.

I'm really nervous about therapy on Wednesday. I still have a lot of feelings about doing the EMDR. I want to do it but I don't know if I can push my T for a third session in a row to start the process. I want to feel like he's on board and he's got this. I know he has a lot of patients and can't remember everything. If he couldn't remember a person I referenced last time or something, I would totally understand that but forgetting what the plan is for my treatment makes me less confident in moving forward. Hopefully, he's got this.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Today has been a busy day so far and I have two more meetings to go before my school day ends. I have my T's group at 5:30. I'm hoping to get some more grading done before group and spend some time practicing guitar. I definitely missed having X's group yesterday but it was nice to have a day off from school.

Today's IEP meeting went really well. The parent had numerous, mostly legitimate, concerns and I actually had the answers for those concerns. I was impressed with what came out of my mouth. Where on earth did this person who knows things come from? It's rare for me to feel that confident in answering a parent's questions.

Still nervous about tomorrow but not as much as I was nervous about my last session. I'm still a bit angry at myself for not telling him to read the letter but maybe I'm just not ready to tell him some of the things. Given that I have attachment issues, I may not be attached enough to him yet to really trust him with my deep thoughts. Hopefully, we'll proceed with the EMDR and going through that process with him and healing some of my deepest wounds will help. I know a part of the therapy for me is learning how to trust in relationships. Some people take years to get there in weekly therapy. I now see my T every other week but for a long time it's been monthly. Sure, group helps with the relationship but it's different than one-on-one therapy is. I really need to learn patience with myself.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Tonight's group was on avoidance behaviors. I feel like I said too much tonight and now feel embarrassed and don't want to go to therapy. There's some irony in there somewhere...

Tomorrow will be a day of crying children all wondering why they are about to fail the second quarter when they haven't been attending classes or turning in their work.
 
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