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- #193
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
I'm coming down off of my anger (which is probably a good thing- might sleep better). I've been thinking a lot about my mom and that relationship today. That relationship is thoroughly toxic. To know this, I simply have to look over my journal entries. So I've been considering what I want that relationship to look like moving forward. It has to change. I may have reached the point where I've changed enough that I can't be the person I once was in that relationship. The incidents of yesterday thoroughly pissed me off but a year ago, I would have been more understanding and patient, pitying my mother's helplessness. She is not my responsibility. She never should have been. My whole damn life has revolved around her. I deserve to have my own life and to find happiness. God knows she never has.
L has noticed that this year that I handle my boss a lot better than I did last year. She doesn't affect me the way that she used to. She still irritates me but I don't spiral over my interactions with her. My mother seems to have more power to affect me than she used to. So, I've been thinking about why that has gone the other way.
A called me tonight to chat and see what was going on yesterday. I told her the story and she was astounded by my mother's actions. We talked about her narcissism and A really thought about how well fitting that diagnosis would be. We agree that she will never change because she just doesn't want to. So, the only thing left to change is me. We were discussing the fact that my mom doesn't know I'm in therapy. I go to two different groups every week and I have individual therapy once or twice per month. It's definitely a big chunk of my non-work life. I'm pretty open about it with people as well. I see no shame in having a medical problem and trying to get better. I told her about how I had been punished as a kid for talking to mental health professionals and how against therapy my mom is. A then asked the question I needed to be asked. What would happen if I told her now? I'd had it so ingrained in my head for so long that therapy must be kept secret from mom or bad things will happen that I never stopped to think about the reality of present day. In truth, my mother can't do a damn thing to me for going to therapy. She can throw a fit if she'd like. I guess she could stop talking to me or convince my brother to stop talking to me. But I don't rely on her for meeting any of my basic needs. I don't know how successful she'd be at cutting off my relationship with my brother. But at the end of the day, she could cut me out of the will and the family but my life would go on just fine and that's the absolute worst she could throw at me. It's an interesting question. The truth is that I think I don't tell her as a way of keeping her out of my life. It's a barrier. I think what would happen is that she would turn into the victim over it and make it all about her. It would put a strain on my resolve to continue with therapy. I'm not sure if I'm at a place where I would remain resolute but I also think that if I'm not there yet, I will be relatively soon. Still not sure I'll ever tell her though. It's honestly not her business and I don't owe her that information.
So the thing to figure out really is, who I am going to be in this relationship moving forward? What role can I play while still growing? I think I'm getting more irritated with her because I have grown. I'm no where near done with this journey. Not by a long shot. I have a lot of stuff to still work out. But, I'm also not in a place anymore where I can sit back and be complacent in the abuse. I can see it now. I couldn't see it before. When you've lived in it for all of those years, it's just normal. My old normal isn't good enough for me anymore. I still don't know what a reasonable relationship with her that won't affect me would look like. But this is the question. Perhaps, if I can't figure it out on my own, my T could help me with this.
L has noticed that this year that I handle my boss a lot better than I did last year. She doesn't affect me the way that she used to. She still irritates me but I don't spiral over my interactions with her. My mother seems to have more power to affect me than she used to. So, I've been thinking about why that has gone the other way.
A called me tonight to chat and see what was going on yesterday. I told her the story and she was astounded by my mother's actions. We talked about her narcissism and A really thought about how well fitting that diagnosis would be. We agree that she will never change because she just doesn't want to. So, the only thing left to change is me. We were discussing the fact that my mom doesn't know I'm in therapy. I go to two different groups every week and I have individual therapy once or twice per month. It's definitely a big chunk of my non-work life. I'm pretty open about it with people as well. I see no shame in having a medical problem and trying to get better. I told her about how I had been punished as a kid for talking to mental health professionals and how against therapy my mom is. A then asked the question I needed to be asked. What would happen if I told her now? I'd had it so ingrained in my head for so long that therapy must be kept secret from mom or bad things will happen that I never stopped to think about the reality of present day. In truth, my mother can't do a damn thing to me for going to therapy. She can throw a fit if she'd like. I guess she could stop talking to me or convince my brother to stop talking to me. But I don't rely on her for meeting any of my basic needs. I don't know how successful she'd be at cutting off my relationship with my brother. But at the end of the day, she could cut me out of the will and the family but my life would go on just fine and that's the absolute worst she could throw at me. It's an interesting question. The truth is that I think I don't tell her as a way of keeping her out of my life. It's a barrier. I think what would happen is that she would turn into the victim over it and make it all about her. It would put a strain on my resolve to continue with therapy. I'm not sure if I'm at a place where I would remain resolute but I also think that if I'm not there yet, I will be relatively soon. Still not sure I'll ever tell her though. It's honestly not her business and I don't owe her that information.
So the thing to figure out really is, who I am going to be in this relationship moving forward? What role can I play while still growing? I think I'm getting more irritated with her because I have grown. I'm no where near done with this journey. Not by a long shot. I have a lot of stuff to still work out. But, I'm also not in a place anymore where I can sit back and be complacent in the abuse. I can see it now. I couldn't see it before. When you've lived in it for all of those years, it's just normal. My old normal isn't good enough for me anymore. I still don't know what a reasonable relationship with her that won't affect me would look like. But this is the question. Perhaps, if I can't figure it out on my own, my T could help me with this.