*** This is what I posted on a forum for SA survivors. Under the tab, "Sadistic Sexual Assault". I just need some support with it because I am confused. I know it is not as sadistic as many others have experienced... Hell, I am not even sure if it is sadistic at all. I am not sure what it was or what to call it... Hugs and comments GREATLY appreciated and wanted. ***
Posted on February 25, 2013
“I don't know if this counts as sadistic... I feel he was a sadist in an emotional sense. He got enjoyment out of making me suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It felt tortuous... Which is why I wrote what follows: Please tell me if this does not being here... I will remove it.
He would torture me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and he would physically abuse me and then he would expect me to have sex... I was semi-dissociated sometimes... He an*lly r*ped me once too. There was so much blood. And he v*ginally r*ped me more times than I am even sure of. He'd pull my hair and he would batter me verbally until I was a compliant shell of a human being too afraid and "out of it/zoned out" to fight him or even really care what was happening... Don't get me wrong, I cared but, I can't explain it, I kind of gave up and was resigned to what he was doing to me and what he was going to keep doing too me. I loved him. I was his amusing toy he could manipulate and abuse and get pleasure from… plus he knew I loved him and he used it against me. He used both that and my age. I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I never saw at home what a relationship was supposed to really be like... But that is another story entirely…”
Then I posted this in reply to that above on March 30, 2013.
“I remember some other things. But I am not sure they fit here since they didn't happen while being sexually assaulted. But, I will list them anyway.
I remember him choking me once it was on Easter 4 years ago. I was 17. He put my on the ground or, I don't remember how I actually got there... But he wrapped his hands around my neck and he choked me. I started to blackout. My vision became tunnel-like and it got smaller and smaller if that makes sense. I figure it was due to both inhibited blood flow to my brain and lack of oxygen. He all the sudden stopped and freaked out and started crying saying how sorry he was. He told me that he deserved me leaving him. He did it in a way that made me feel bad for and sorry for him. I was the one who ended up comforting him!!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?
Very often he did things like:
Pushing me into walls
Pushing me onto his bed
Pushing me to make me fall
Pinning me to walls, his bed, wherever
He pulled and dragged me by my hair...
He pushed me into the bathroom door once thinking it was latched but it wasn't and I fell through it and hit the bathtub. That hurt!
He called me the most dehumanizing names. He got into my head and convinced me that I deserved it somehow and that it was completely justified and my fault.
He did so many awful psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual) things, physical things, and sexual things. He loved the power of me being powerless. It tripped his trigger.
There were so many other things. It's impossible to remember them ALL.
Anyway, yeah, I am not sure if this should be here.”
Then I posted this last bit last night in reply to the previous part. This is just a continuation of the previous part basically...
“I have no idea how he did this... But he sometimes had me convinced I was crazy!
Sometimes after he would hurt me (either physically, emotionally/mentally, spiritually, whatever) he would literally have me convinced that I was crazy.
It was the weirdest thing ever.
I was sure that I knew what had just happened but he assured me that I was remembering it wrong or that I was making it up somehow.
It took awhile before I got to the point where I doubted my own sanity. I think that the abuse and manipulation have to be somewhat recurrent in order for it to progress to this. At least that is how it was for me it seems.
See, when the abuse first started happening, I was sure of myself. After he did something hurtful to me, whatever that something was, I knew without a doubt that it did indeed take place. I may have rationalized it and made excuses for him and been in denial, but I still knew that it had taken place. And it didn't matter how many times after the incident he told me that I was making it up. I knew it truly happened.
But after some period of time (a few months) and after repeated abuse and reassurance from him that I was making it up and that I was crazy in the head, I guess I started believing it? I can't tell you when exactly it happened.
But I think I have an idea of one of the techniques he used to get me to comply to how he wanted me to view the situation: conditioning or 'programming'. I hope that it is OK to use the terms 'conditioning' or 'programming'. If not, I am sorry.
But those are the only words I can really think of...
So, this is how it usually went down. He would usually tell me one of these two things:
He would tell me that I "made" him do what he did and that I was taking it out of context. He said that he was doing it out of concern and love and was only trying to teach me how to act so he could help me. (This is primarily what he used when the abuse first started to occur. He said it in such a way that it sounded like he truly cared. This is how I explained away his behavior and remained in denial. I told myself if only I hadn't of done this or that.)
I think that I knew deep that I didn't "make" him do anything, but I loved him... I wanted to believe him so badly. I was so f*cking stupid...
Then he would hug me and tell me how much he loved me and I would say the same to him; now somewhat reassured that he did in fact love me.
Then we would go and do something fun and he would be the nicest boyfriend ever. I 'forgot' that anything had even happened.
Eventually, (about 8-10 months into the relationship, and I am assuming once he saw that I was mentally 'pliable') he progressed to telling me that I was crazy and that nothing at all happened.
At first, I was resistant to this and I would sometimes say something like, "No, I know what happened. You just pushed me not even 5 minutes ago. I am not making that up. You just did it. I am not crazy."
This would piss him off. He would be adamant I was indeed not remembering it right. (Yeah, like I could forget how/what happened in a period of minutes.)
The more and more he told me I was remembering it wrong, the more aggressive he became. His demeanor was threatening. He would shove me just a little bit towhere I lost my balance but didn't fall completely over, he would tower over me and scream terrible things at me and squeeze my arms with his hands until my arms started to hurt. He had this horrible look in his eyes.
He would again tell me that I was misconstruing everything. He would say that he would NEVER hurt me because he loved me so much.
Then he would take my arms and wrap them around his neck and he would hug me really hard – too hard. It was sometimes difficult to breathe and I was scared because I felt smothered and trapped. But I couldn't get away because he wouldn't let me go until he was done hugging me. It was on his terms.
But I just HAD to get free. I felt so anxious.
So, I tried to get free because I was feeling scared and mad and I would say, "Let me go! I want to go home!"
He would then get mad again and push me on the ground, or up against the wall, or on the bed...
He would block the door and not let me leave. He would say, "You aren't going anywhere yet. Now, I really AM sorry for having to do that but I was just trying to give you a nice hug and you freaked out. Come here." - Then he would again pick me back up and hug me. Except this time, I wouldn't fight it. I didn't feel anything at all. I was blank. I was like a zombie and I just was 'playing the part'.
I don't really know what happened after this would take place. Maybe he let me leave? I don't remember. It happened so often.
I feel so bad for complying... I feel like I allowed it. And I feel so dumb that I honestly did believe that I was at fault and crazy.
Part of me thinks it was just safer to agree with him and go along with him in believing that nothing happened, but I can't be sure.
And honestly, looking back, I think that deep down I knew the truth. At least I think I knew it in the back of my mind to an extent. I knew what he had done. But not agreeing with him would have been worse and I loved him so much and wanted to believe him so badly. So, I did. I began to believe that maybe, just maybe I was mixing everything up.
So, these types of things began happening very often... They sometimes happened multiple times in a day. I just stopped feeling and I agreed with him. It was like a natural response. And he KNEW he trained me to be like that. But at the time, I had no idea that he even was training/conditioning/programming me... I just, I was so f*cked up...
But there were other times that I expected him to be awful and he treated me so awesome. He treated me like he had in the beginning when I first met him. He acted like the guy I fell in love with. And I would be confused and I would think, "Finally! He is back!" and I let my guard down. And then he would hurt me again. He always kept me guessing and I never had any idea what to expect with him. This only made my mind that much more disorganized and my sense of reality that much more broken into fragments and unreliable pieces.
He would tell me that nothing happened and that I was just misconstruing everything. He would then turn around and say that even if somethinghad of hypothetically happened, it would have been because I provoked him and that he would NEVERdo anything unless I gave him a reason to.
:cry: :cry: :cry: The thing that I am confused about is that he REALLY did love me at one point. At least he did in the beginning of the relationship. He had to of. What is wrong with me? I feel crazy all over again.”
So, I am sorry if this is not sadistic... I am hoping that I didn't put this in the wrong forum tab on that other site...
I guess my main reason for posting this however is just to get some insight, hugs, support, or thoughts on this.
Thanks so much. Blessings and safe :hug: to you all!!! ♥
Posted on February 25, 2013
“I don't know if this counts as sadistic... I feel he was a sadist in an emotional sense. He got enjoyment out of making me suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It felt tortuous... Which is why I wrote what follows: Please tell me if this does not being here... I will remove it.
He would torture me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and he would physically abuse me and then he would expect me to have sex... I was semi-dissociated sometimes... He an*lly r*ped me once too. There was so much blood. And he v*ginally r*ped me more times than I am even sure of. He'd pull my hair and he would batter me verbally until I was a compliant shell of a human being too afraid and "out of it/zoned out" to fight him or even really care what was happening... Don't get me wrong, I cared but, I can't explain it, I kind of gave up and was resigned to what he was doing to me and what he was going to keep doing too me. I loved him. I was his amusing toy he could manipulate and abuse and get pleasure from… plus he knew I loved him and he used it against me. He used both that and my age. I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I never saw at home what a relationship was supposed to really be like... But that is another story entirely…”
Then I posted this in reply to that above on March 30, 2013.
“I remember some other things. But I am not sure they fit here since they didn't happen while being sexually assaulted. But, I will list them anyway.
I remember him choking me once it was on Easter 4 years ago. I was 17. He put my on the ground or, I don't remember how I actually got there... But he wrapped his hands around my neck and he choked me. I started to blackout. My vision became tunnel-like and it got smaller and smaller if that makes sense. I figure it was due to both inhibited blood flow to my brain and lack of oxygen. He all the sudden stopped and freaked out and started crying saying how sorry he was. He told me that he deserved me leaving him. He did it in a way that made me feel bad for and sorry for him. I was the one who ended up comforting him!!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?
Very often he did things like:
Pushing me into walls
Pushing me onto his bed
Pushing me to make me fall
Pinning me to walls, his bed, wherever
He pulled and dragged me by my hair...
He pushed me into the bathroom door once thinking it was latched but it wasn't and I fell through it and hit the bathtub. That hurt!
He called me the most dehumanizing names. He got into my head and convinced me that I deserved it somehow and that it was completely justified and my fault.
He did so many awful psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual) things, physical things, and sexual things. He loved the power of me being powerless. It tripped his trigger.
There were so many other things. It's impossible to remember them ALL.
Anyway, yeah, I am not sure if this should be here.”
Then I posted this last bit last night in reply to the previous part. This is just a continuation of the previous part basically...
“I have no idea how he did this... But he sometimes had me convinced I was crazy!
Sometimes after he would hurt me (either physically, emotionally/mentally, spiritually, whatever) he would literally have me convinced that I was crazy.
It was the weirdest thing ever.
I was sure that I knew what had just happened but he assured me that I was remembering it wrong or that I was making it up somehow.
It took awhile before I got to the point where I doubted my own sanity. I think that the abuse and manipulation have to be somewhat recurrent in order for it to progress to this. At least that is how it was for me it seems.
See, when the abuse first started happening, I was sure of myself. After he did something hurtful to me, whatever that something was, I knew without a doubt that it did indeed take place. I may have rationalized it and made excuses for him and been in denial, but I still knew that it had taken place. And it didn't matter how many times after the incident he told me that I was making it up. I knew it truly happened.
But after some period of time (a few months) and after repeated abuse and reassurance from him that I was making it up and that I was crazy in the head, I guess I started believing it? I can't tell you when exactly it happened.
But I think I have an idea of one of the techniques he used to get me to comply to how he wanted me to view the situation: conditioning or 'programming'. I hope that it is OK to use the terms 'conditioning' or 'programming'. If not, I am sorry.
But those are the only words I can really think of...
So, this is how it usually went down. He would usually tell me one of these two things:
He would tell me that I "made" him do what he did and that I was taking it out of context. He said that he was doing it out of concern and love and was only trying to teach me how to act so he could help me. (This is primarily what he used when the abuse first started to occur. He said it in such a way that it sounded like he truly cared. This is how I explained away his behavior and remained in denial. I told myself if only I hadn't of done this or that.)
I think that I knew deep that I didn't "make" him do anything, but I loved him... I wanted to believe him so badly. I was so f*cking stupid...
Then he would hug me and tell me how much he loved me and I would say the same to him; now somewhat reassured that he did in fact love me.
Then we would go and do something fun and he would be the nicest boyfriend ever. I 'forgot' that anything had even happened.
Eventually, (about 8-10 months into the relationship, and I am assuming once he saw that I was mentally 'pliable') he progressed to telling me that I was crazy and that nothing at all happened.
At first, I was resistant to this and I would sometimes say something like, "No, I know what happened. You just pushed me not even 5 minutes ago. I am not making that up. You just did it. I am not crazy."
This would piss him off. He would be adamant I was indeed not remembering it right. (Yeah, like I could forget how/what happened in a period of minutes.)
The more and more he told me I was remembering it wrong, the more aggressive he became. His demeanor was threatening. He would shove me just a little bit towhere I lost my balance but didn't fall completely over, he would tower over me and scream terrible things at me and squeeze my arms with his hands until my arms started to hurt. He had this horrible look in his eyes.
He would again tell me that I was misconstruing everything. He would say that he would NEVER hurt me because he loved me so much.
Then he would take my arms and wrap them around his neck and he would hug me really hard – too hard. It was sometimes difficult to breathe and I was scared because I felt smothered and trapped. But I couldn't get away because he wouldn't let me go until he was done hugging me. It was on his terms.
But I just HAD to get free. I felt so anxious.
So, I tried to get free because I was feeling scared and mad and I would say, "Let me go! I want to go home!"
He would then get mad again and push me on the ground, or up against the wall, or on the bed...
He would block the door and not let me leave. He would say, "You aren't going anywhere yet. Now, I really AM sorry for having to do that but I was just trying to give you a nice hug and you freaked out. Come here." - Then he would again pick me back up and hug me. Except this time, I wouldn't fight it. I didn't feel anything at all. I was blank. I was like a zombie and I just was 'playing the part'.
I don't really know what happened after this would take place. Maybe he let me leave? I don't remember. It happened so often.
I feel so bad for complying... I feel like I allowed it. And I feel so dumb that I honestly did believe that I was at fault and crazy.
Part of me thinks it was just safer to agree with him and go along with him in believing that nothing happened, but I can't be sure.
And honestly, looking back, I think that deep down I knew the truth. At least I think I knew it in the back of my mind to an extent. I knew what he had done. But not agreeing with him would have been worse and I loved him so much and wanted to believe him so badly. So, I did. I began to believe that maybe, just maybe I was mixing everything up.
So, these types of things began happening very often... They sometimes happened multiple times in a day. I just stopped feeling and I agreed with him. It was like a natural response. And he KNEW he trained me to be like that. But at the time, I had no idea that he even was training/conditioning/programming me... I just, I was so f*cked up...
But there were other times that I expected him to be awful and he treated me so awesome. He treated me like he had in the beginning when I first met him. He acted like the guy I fell in love with. And I would be confused and I would think, "Finally! He is back!" and I let my guard down. And then he would hurt me again. He always kept me guessing and I never had any idea what to expect with him. This only made my mind that much more disorganized and my sense of reality that much more broken into fragments and unreliable pieces.
He would tell me that nothing happened and that I was just misconstruing everything. He would then turn around and say that even if somethinghad of hypothetically happened, it would have been because I provoked him and that he would NEVERdo anything unless I gave him a reason to.
:cry: :cry: :cry: The thing that I am confused about is that he REALLY did love me at one point. At least he did in the beginning of the relationship. He had to of. What is wrong with me? I feel crazy all over again.”
So, I am sorry if this is not sadistic... I am hoping that I didn't put this in the wrong forum tab on that other site...
I guess my main reason for posting this however is just to get some insight, hugs, support, or thoughts on this.
Thanks so much. Blessings and safe :hug: to you all!!! ♥
Last edited by a moderator:
