Safe? Intrigue's Me

[Annie]

Hi there.
Being new to this forum I am trying to read as many posts and replies as I can. I have noticed a few recurring 'themes' shall we say.

The SAFE theme seems to intrigue me the most. Until now I have never really noticed that I don't seem to have a safe person to talk to. My friends would tell you that I am probably the least judgmental person they know and the most accepting of everyone. Which is funny because I don't see it at all.
I have yet to find someone that I can share it all with. I have recently been paired up with a social worker / therapist that I seem to be most comfortable with, however she is really only a temporary therapist. I am not to think of her as long term, which perhaps is why I don't share as much with here.
I have just recently been diagnosed with PTSD and it is all very new to me. I guess I have simply just accepted that nightmares and flashbacks were normal... that everybody had them. I have had the same ones since I was just a child.

It wasn't til I was just told that my depression and melt down were actually due to my past experiences, when I realized that there could actually be a better way to live. The only thing is, once I began to tell any one what I have been diagnosed with they don't really seem to believe me.
I guess the stigma attached to PTSD is that it only affects those who have been in a war or who have had some kind of violent crime against them. My story doesn't seem near as distressing as the ones I read here, so I am almost ashamed that it has caused me such trauma. perhaps I don't belong here? My big claim to fame here is that I was an abused child. That's it, that's all, no big deal.

So why isit I Can't Get Over It? (a book, which, by the way I have borrowed from the library and am trying desperately to read).
I am in a partial hospitalization day program. 4 weeks, four days a week. Everybody there has suffered so much more than I have, and I don't feel as though I belong (many are bi-polar or personality disorders). And yet, in my circle of friends / family, I have suffered so much more than they have, so I don't feel I belong...maybe that safe place has to do with belonging ?
:think:

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Annie & welcome to the forum....

It doesn't matter HOW you got PTSD, or what caused it. It's the symptoms that are all the same for all of us. We all suffer from the symptoms. Some get all of them, others only get a few...Some get them sever, some not so sever.

I think at times a lot of us feel that our trauma isn't as bad as someone else. But the truth is...It's is OUR trauma, our pain, and our hurt. It is unique to us.

Keep reading, get more informed and ask lots of questions....

 

[Mina]

Hi, Annie - welcome :smile:

One of the toughest things for me has been trying NOT to compare my experience with someone else's. I'm so apt to put it on a scale and say, but relative to so-and-so, what I went through is nothing! And yet somehow the outcome is the same - PTSD. Learning not to compare and judge yourself is really difficult, but does help. I think you can't really start to work through the trauma until you admit to yourself that yes, in and of itself, not relative to anybody else's, it was traumatic...at least your subconscious thought it was! (I have to tell myself that daily)

My safest person is my therapist...I'm lucky she's awesome. I hope that in time you will find a permanent therapist, someone you truly feel you can open up with and feel safe with.

Until then...maybe find a space you feel safe in? Personally, I feel safe in my closet. I sit on the floor and shut myself in there and it's small and it's quiet and I can feel all four walls...there's something about it NOT being an "open" space that makes me feel safe (almost like a prey animal out in the open). That's the one place I can admit that what happened to me was scary and hard and I can cry about it, even if I can't do that four feet away laying in bed. It's helped me immensely.

 

[catjudo]

Personally, I feel safe in my closet. I sit on the floor and shut myself in there and it's small and it's quiet and I can feel all four walls...

I used to do this exact thing. Before I met my husband, when I still lived alone...I would leave a blanket and pillow in the bottom of my closet and would go there when I needed to feel safe. Often times I would sleep there. I had a large apartment all to myself but would close myself in the closet.

 

[greenscousegal]

Annie,
What has happened to you is SO important to how you see your own ability to
be. Try not to say others have a more serious degree of problems than you.
You have had troubles and as a result you have not been able to have a life
as you deserve. You are as important as others you may meet at therapy.
Here on the forum, i am sure that you will find much support and help to find
your safe place. I rather suspect that the safe place is YOU.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Tinyflame]

Does anyone know, while "we" feel unsafe, now, beyond triggers, when are traumas are over? Is it because our current situations, have an element of unsafety?

Is feeling safe provided by others, or do we find it in ourselves?

What is being 'safe', exactly?

 

[sigh]

I just want to re-iterate the concept of too much or too little. There is no such thing--its like having a head that is too big or small. It's your head! Trauma is trauma. When it happens, it changes the brain. When the brain has change done to it, that can be trauma and it sounds like that's what happened with you.

Please give yourself a break. You deserve to feel better.

 

[pebbels]

Hello Annie:hello:
Welcome to the forum where you will find loads of information and a lot of people with good advice, this is a SAFE place to ask questions and share as we understand and do not judge.

I echo what She cat and Mina have said, it is the symptoms of a trauma that everyone shares, your trauma is just as valid as the next persons.

All the best Annie and take care:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[Dylan]

RE: JuneBug's questions posed:

"Does anyone know, while "we" feel unsafe, now, beyond triggers, when are traumas are over? Is it because our current situations, have an element of unsafety?
Is feeling safe provided by others, or do we find it in ourselves?
What is being 'safe', exactly?"

For me, I think only if my 'external' safety was 100% guaranteed (which is impossible) could I depend on external conditions for my sense of safety.

Because my external environment was so unsafe and I was unable to protect myself, building an inner sense of safety is both imperative AND the most difficult thing I work on. I have already experienced utter powerlessness to protect myself in the face of (what I perceived as) inexorable, impending death, so I can't talk myself into believing I'm safe; I know that I can never really guarantee my ability to protect myself.

So what I work on is relative safety, reasonable safety. And try to foster a relationship with the spiritual. A belief is something bigger, more, and beyond this physical realm helps me get a deeper sense of safety, and nurtures the idea that even if I can be physically destroyed, I can't be destroyed. That's the whole gig behind my hypervigilance, fear, etc, is that the "next time" I may not survive, I may not be so lucky - and I'll be destroyed.

Safe, for me, means that I feel secure enough in my (relative) safety in the moment that I can be, at least for the most part, present and not hypervigilant and tense - there is no survival threat.

Thanks for your post, JuneBug. These are great questions to ponder, to look at my belief system and how I'm healing a shattered sense of safety and trust.

-Dylan

P.S. Welcome to the forum, Annie!