Scared And Confused, And Praying It's Not True

[Addy]

I have been seeing a therapist for over two years now. Throughout that time she has referred many times to how spacy I get, or how often I dissociate. Only recently have I been willing to admit to having these experiences for as long as I can remember, it's just that it's been worse lately.

I got really scared last week when my bank account went into overdraft, and I didn't know how that was possible because I hadn't spent any money. I've had other experiences that have led me to believe that there is something seriously wrong with me...like finding cigarettes in my car when I do not smoke. Like I said, I finally admitted these experiences to my therapist. I've known that what happens to me is not healthy, and have even come to terms that I dissociate... I hate that word (it's like nails on a chalkboard to me). But when I shared this with my therapist I wasn't expecting her response. She asked if that "part of me would be willing to speak with her." That question made me panic. I got so scared and confused. Is it possible to have experiences like I've described and NOT be DID?

The way I viewed it was that she (the Therapist) must have come to the conclusion that I had DID? Or was she trying to rule it out? Or was she trying to leave the door open for discussion? I wanted to run out of her office so fast. I felt like I was going to die...like my heart was pounding, I was so scared. Does anyone recall having an experience like this with their therapist? And how did it turn out?

Can I still be normal (if there is such a thing) or does her line of questioning mean that I'm really that messed up. I want to pretend this session never existed. I feel like I've shared WAY too much now, and yet there's no turning back now.

 

[Addy]

I am sorry to the moderator who felt compelled to notify me that I did not follow basic grammar rules for the above post. She or he claimed that the traumatized mind cannot process posts that are not grammatically correct. Are you kidding me? How about the traumatized person writing? Sometimes it is all I can do to get my thoughts written let alone having to worry about grammar. I have seen many posts on here over the course of the last year with far worse grammar than mine. That being said, I will do my best to try to accommodate this moderator's wish. I must admit I would have been much more receptive to such a comment if it was not such a generic response with no compassion or understanding offered. It makes me feel unwanted, unimportant, and ignored at a time when I desparately needed some comfort.

 

[Shellbell]

I can totally understand how scared you are about possibly having DID. I dissociate a lot and my psych doc and T ask me all the time have I noticed things that I must have done whilst dissociated but cannot remember doing. So far I haven't, but I can imagine if I did - I would be very stressed about that possibly being DID. I am aware if things continue to worsen for me, DID is a possibility and that does worry me.

Asking your T if she believes you have DID will help you know whether she thinks you do have it, or is ruling it out. DID is also a diagnosis that really needs to be made by a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma, so if you are still concerned, maybe consulting a psych doc would help.

Being diagnosed with DID though and having T based upon that though, is better then going years with being undiagnosed. At least if you are aware of it, then T can be geared towards this.

There are sufferers on this forum who have a DID diagnosis and I hope they can give you some good advice.

I also relate to feeling upset by the generic grammar notifications at times of distress. They aren't meant to be hurtful or invalidating and I have learned to just accept them as the way this forum is run well. Try not to let them annoy you.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Addy,

Welcome here. I do think that it is possible to have these happen and not be DID. It may be worthwhile seeing how often they happen and what types of information are missing. See if there are any simple explanations for these things too. If someone saw you smoking that may be something more definite. I definitely do things that I don't remember doing and am not DID but just dissociate a lot. For example I can have intended to bid on something on ebay. Realise hours later that I have forgotten and be really disappointed. The following day get an email of a reminder of a due payment; only to find out that I have won the exact same item I thought I had missed. Looking back I have undergone a whole bidding war with others and won the item but have zero memory of it. That has happened many times.

There are two mechanisms that can cause memory loss in dissociation. The one is the DID type of mechanism (personality) and the other is the depersonalisation type where we have altered levels of consciousness or dissociative trance. I think of it almost as being drunk in a way.

DID is not so strange really. The way it has been explained to me is that we all have different parts of our personality and that DID is just that with the volume turned up and solid walls between the parts. Its a coping mechanism that not everyone can do and nothing to be ashamed of. You might want to look up structural dissociation.

Your T may just be feeling you out. She may also not want to invalidate your feelings. Many people seem to talk about their inner child as an actual part so she may be going there too.

I agree with Shellbell and would ask her directly and if it is a concern see a proper trauma psychiatrist. You neither want to be misdiagnosed nor go undiagnosed. It will be OK.

 

[Abstract]

Can you look at where the money went? It may give you some clues as to if it was stuff you could have been drawn to or not.

You can look at the SIDRAN organisation for general information too. http://www.sidran.org/

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've had stuff happen lately. The worst being that "someone" went into my phone and changed all my Tuesday therapy appts to a later time. The Friday appts were not changed. This has happened once before, 2 months ago. I wake up at the computer or in the kitchen. I told my T and I am cutting down on my nightmare medication.

I was really afraid and distraught until I told my T. Now he knows to look out for it.

 

[Abstract]

Actually certain sleep meds make it happen much more apparently. Even for people that don't dissociate.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I take clonoding (BP) and prazosin (BP) for nightmares. I don't take normal sleep meds.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Monster,
I did not at all mean to aim that at you. What you said just reminded me that people can have these symptoms from meds and I thought I would jot that down for Addy just in case.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, I didn't take it personally, I know ambien can really mess with you. I just had an MRI, and I am so sedated that I don't really follow what I'm saying, lol. I think I'll go to bed now. Good nitgh!

 

[Abstract]

Night night! :):sleep:

 

[Addy]

Shellbell Abstract and Monster,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have been very concerned about this for some time now. I have checked my bank statements, and more often than not they do not make any sense to me. I find multiple charges on the same day for purchases at gas stations that I have no recollection of going to. In addition to the cigarettes being in the car, I was also counseled at work for smelling like smoke (this is not acceptible in the field I work in). While I can't say that anyone has seen me smoking, I did have an experience that when I was hospitalized a friend of mine went into my apartment (she had agreed to take care of my cat) and she apparently found cigarette butts all over the place. She was so surprised and stated she had no idea that I smoked. I of course, did not no how to respond (as I too was unaware).

As for seeing a Trauma psychiatrist, I have a psychiatrist and a trauma therapist who have spoken (release of information was signed). How much actual communication they have had with one another I don't know. It's weird in a way, because I as much as I want the answers to these questions, I am very much afraid of the answers. It's just a gut feeling, but I do feel as though there is something very wrong with me, that ordinary dissociation simply doesn't explain.

As for sleep meds, I only take my antidepressant and trazodone for sleep. As far as I know these won't cause those sort of dissociative symptoms?

Anyway, thanks to all of you for answering. I was really scared and need a lot of reassurance that everything will be ok. I'm still frightened, but just knowing I have people here that I can speak to anonymously helps tremendously. For obvious reasons, this is not the type of conversation you bring up with just anybody. Any more insight is much appreciated. :hug: to all of you!