Scared And Confused, And Praying It's Not True

[Dissociated1]

After being diagnosed and treated for gender dysphoria for 3 years, my cognitive psychologist re-diagnosed my female alter as a PTSD dissociative experience and referred me for psychodynamic therapy to help relieve my recent nightmares and dissociative breakdowns.

I have been seeing a trauma specialist twice a week for the last 7 months. In and of themselves the sessions don't seem all that different from the cognitive or clinical therapy I have undergone with other psychologists in the past; I talk, she listens. Sessions are ~40 minutes + 10 minutes depending on my therapist's opinion of how disturbing the content of what we talked about is to me.

None of the three doctors I have seen since I was re-diagnosed have made a distinction between dissociative experiences; they simply see them as points along a sliding scale of all trauma based dissociation. They have all told me that trauma therapy is the most painful experience a person can go through. But the condition is highly treatable with a very good success rate of therapy.

Without question, psychodynamic therapy has been the most painful and rewarding experience I have ever been through. This journey of self discovery consumes everything I have. My life revolves around my sessions and coping with the things therapy is helping me remember about my childhood, who I am and a new understanding ofd the way the people I love most treated me. I am exhausted nearly every day, have very little left to give to anyone or anything else. I have cried an ocean of tears, felt pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. But I have come to see how wonderfully blessed I was to have the gift of my dissociation to help me cope as a child. And after nearly 50 years of running, as hard as it may be to face, the consolation of truth is the peace I have sought for a lifetime.

My doctor recommended an excellent book I am reading now, "Childhood Antecedents of Multiple Personality." It is an excellent reference on our understanding of dissociation and a child's reaction to trauma. I got a used copy on A**** for a dollar plus ship. There is a great Google preview at

http://books.google.com/books/about/Childhood_Antecedents_of_Multiple_Person.html?id=AplwBTXWr44C

 

[Dissociated1]

After I took part in The University of California’s Center for Brain and Cognition's study on Alternating Gender Identity (AGI), the researcher who worked with me suggested that my wife and I might enjoy watching Lifetime's "The United States of Tara" to help us understand my trauma based dissociative experience of separate male and female identities. The dramatic series received excellent reviews from the clinical trauma/dissociation community for its portrayal of DID/MPD.The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) has an excellent episode by episode review at ']rupture

For want of a local support group, the show has been a big help to us both. The occasional exaggerations fall well within the writer's artistic license and do not offend me or detract from the show. For my wife’s part, seeing the positive way Tara’s husband/family interact with Tara, “T,” Alice and most importantly Buck has given her some reassurance that she is not alone and that alters of another gender are not only plausible but common. She and I have not actually spoken about it, but I think it gives her a sort of roll model of how to react when seeing a dozen women waiting to use the restroom, my female alter comes out of the blue with a crack like “Well, I’m not about to stand in THAT line.”

 

[Addy]

Hi Addy,
I am glad you got some answers. I have to say it did seem a touch unlikely that all that would be depersonalisation or trance. The smoking particularly. I am glad you feel Ok ish about it. I am afraid I am no use really. Have a couple of on line friends with genuine dissociation of this type and have heard their struggles and progress. It might be worth starting a new thread with something specific in the title as that is more likely to attract someone who knows. Or quote Dissociated1 and maybe he will pop in again.

Thanks Abstract... I see my therapist Monday so we'll see how things go. I have a hunch it won't get too heavy since we are right before Christmas. I suspect we'll delve into things more once I (hopefully) survive the holidays. I appreciate your support.

 

[Abstract]

It will be OK. One step at a time. Just to know - one of the rules is to not quote whole posts so you might want to edit! ;)

 

[Addy]

I wish you the best with your recovery. I post things around here and do not remember responding at all. I forget things too. I will generally remember once I have sorted it out. I hope this helps alittle. My heart goes out to you. Good for you for keeping on though and not giving up. You can feel good about how good you are being to yourself to take yourself seriously.

Thanks Gizmo... I really appreciate the support and encouragement. I'm trying to be good to myself, and to educate myself too. But sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by this, and have to distract myself with other things. I did manage to take a walk at a local park today which is always healing for me. I'll stay in touch.

 

[Addy]

It will be OK. One step at a time. Just to know - one of the rules is to not quote whole posts so you might want to edit! ;)

Thanks for the warning...I just fixed it ;)

 

[Abstract]

Good job! :) You might want to do the same to that one! :wideeyed:

 

[safenow]

Is the treatment the same for DDNOS and DID? Insight is welcome... Thanks.

HI addy. I don't know about DDNOS, I've never had that. But back when I was diagnosed DID was called MPD. And I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you have on that subject. Don't be afraid. As for the cigarette thing, if you had a pack on you, and you don't smoke, you probably do have an alter that does. But they can be taught to stop. Look upon your alters as a way to protect yourself. Look upon them as your children. (Just my opinion at 60 years of having alters.

safenow.

As far as I know the first step is for all parts to trust the T.

I must agree with this. It's not the first step, but it is a very important one. If my little's don't trust a T, I know I can't work with them. Because it's the little's that must heal first. When they feel safe, then I am safe.
safenow

 

[safenow]

I think it gives her a sort of roll model of how to react when seeing a dozen women waiting to use the restroom, my female alter comes out of the blue with a crack like “Well, I’m not about to stand in THAT line.”

I have one male in my system, name of Robert. He's only shown up a few times in my life. My male friend multi has two females in his system. One is a small child, the other an adult woman. She shows up a lot. So I know for a fact, it is quite common to have both genders in a system.

I hope you feel trust with your therapist, and learn how to calm your little. That is so important. Because anxiety and panic only make things worse. Breathing is a very important component when you dissociate. It calms you down no matter what your diagnoses.I believe every human alive has a little child inside. And we need to love that child. Rather that child got love from our parents or not, we need to love it.

safenow

 

[Dissociated1]

It’s good to meet another system on the forum, Safenow!
I only know 2-3 other multiples from gender forums and none in person. It was very reassuring to hear that it is quite common to have both genders in a system. Learning to accommodate my female alter has been very difficult for me & my wife and we feel so alone.

I like the idea of thinking of our alters as “the little ones.” My female self is about 10. Her childlike innocence, the things she says and the way she looks at the world is a breath of fresh air that makes me smile. My male self is the protector of the Self and guards her with the ferocity of a lioness for her cubs. My doctors, wife and I have also begun to suspect there is another younger alter who is not old enough to speak and comes out in my most severe dissociations. We are not sure yet whether if he is my alter or an alter of my female self.

As the protector of the Self, I only let the little ones speak through me until I feel it is safe for them to come out at therapy. But they must trust or there can be no progress. It has taken longer with some therapists than others; never happened in the 6 months I saw my gender therapist; 2 1/2 years with the cognitive psychologist I was referred to after her; about a year with the psychologist my wife and I see for couple’s counseling and I can sense we are getting close after 6 months/42 visits with the trauma therapist I am seeing now.

There is no question that when she is fronting my female self is capable of things as against my will and different in behavior as smoking. Despite my doctors assuring us she cannot take over, it took several years for my wife and me to see that regardless of how firmly she is in control, like a child who has stayed up past her bedtime, my female self tires quickly. A day, two at most, of fronting and she is ready to turn the wheel back to me.

Although she presents in public as female quite successfully, I do not allow her to get into any situations that would put us in danger of someone who does not understand. But a few weeks ago my scoliosis was hurting so badly, she decided nothing was going to do her but to stop for a Chinese massage after yoga class. It’s bad enough prancing around in all that clingy spandex in a room full of women but I was mortified to strip to my panties for the masseuse, terrified she might discover something she wasn’t expected as she massaged the muscles in my legs.

Much like the smoking, what concerned me most was the violation of each of our roles in the system- I am the protector of the Self and make these kinds of decisions. After discussing this with my therapist a few days later I found a note my female self had left on the kitchen counter for me apologizing for what she had done. It took another few weeks for me to realize that it was never about violating roles or power struggles; my female self does not have my level of pain tolerance I do. She was hurting so badly while she was fronting, she had no choice but to do try to do something about it.

As weird as it may seem, Addy, I would offer that when you are alone, you ask yourself, out loud, if you were smoking and why. Your subconscious already knows the answer, but communication between the members of a system is vital to the survival of the Self.

 

[safenow]

Hi dissocaited1. Hi Addy.

Addy, I know this is all new to you right now. How you feeling about the communication between alters? I know at first it feels like you are nuts to talk out loud to yourself. For us, it's rather normal, but for most people, especially when they have first been diagnosed it can feel strange.

Your subconscious already knows the answer, but communication between the members of a system is vital to the survival of the Self.

I agree with dissociated1. But rather you do it in a journal/diary or out loud, for right now how is not as important as why. Some of my little don't know how to write, so they draw what they are trying to say.

Are you okay? Be sure to talk to your therapist.

 

[bright_morning]

I just want to say thank you to everyone in this thread for their contributions. I do not have complete alters that I know of, but I have some fairly nasty introjects that were once and occasionally still are like a tangible presence in the room. I also get confused about whether they are me or not a lot, when having flashbacks that I cannot handle they turn into projections.

This thread has been so helpful for me to not feel as alone. While I don't share the exact symptoms, I am told that my introjects are alters of a sort who believe they are my abusers and you all are encouraging me to work with them instead of deny them anymore. I feel very blessed. Thank you again.