Scared And Confused, And Praying It's Not True

[Addy]

I started this thread months ago, and I think it's now time for me to follow up. The verdict is in and I'm scared to death. Apparently my therapist spoke to another personality for the first time in my last therapy session. My therapist shared this with me, and I wanted to cry. She's asked me to try to have a conversation with this person she says is named Dawn, but I don't really know how to begin or if I even want to.

So many destructive things have happened, and I'm afraid to even attempt this. Property in my home has been destroyed, and quite frankly I am a bit intimidated. My therapist says it will help to share needs/wants with this other part of me, but why would I want to when it appears she (Dawn) does not have my best interest (smoking, destructive behaviors, etc.) at heart?

I think I would feel kind of stupid trying to talk to myself. I'm really scared about what this means for me and my life. Any input from others with DID on acceptance, and initiating inner dialog when you are afraid would be helpful.

 

[safenow]

Any input from others with DID on acceptance, and initiating inner dialog when you are afraid would be helpful.

Hi, Addy. Bless your heart, I know how scary it is at first.

Back in the early 1970's, when my therapist showed me the video he had made of our last session, and I saw and heard all that went on, it scared me to death. At first, I wanted nothing to do with that girl who cursed and ranted and raved. I had moved from my apartment to another one, where I didn't like the neighborhood, because that personality was out full time. I had to really struggle to stay out.

Here is what my therapist had me do, and it worked for me. I started a journey, and wrote down all my feelings. I kept it on the dining room table, along with a pen. Each day, I was to write down my thoughts about how I felt about that other alter. Everyone in my system wrote in that journal. Just the fact that the handwriting was different used to scare me. Some entries were very angry, others were funny. Some were only pictures. We wrote down what we ate, what we did, why we did what, etc.

I had sessions with that therapist twice a week, and during that time a couple of alters came out. He advised them to write in that same journal their thoughts about life. They did. I was amazed on the thoughts they had, and thought I had gone crazy. But my therapist assured me, it was not crazy, it was healing. I had had so much trauma growing up, that my mind had split to protect me. One held all the pain. One held the anger. One was a protector. One was scared. etc.

As he and I read together from that journey, and I was able to take the tapes home and watch them in the privacy of my living room, I began to understand how that other alter felt. Over a period of time I became friends with that alter, and wrote her notes on how to help. She in turn wrote me notes on how I could help. The little one drew pictures, and I was touched by how young she was. My therapist was wonderful in helping us all to work together and soon, there was peace in the house. She stopped going to bars, and I stopped hating her and being angry all the time.

The one who smoked, agreed to not smoke in the house. That was a big step. Years after, we became co-conscious. We no longer need to keep a notebook to communicate with each other except when I'm in flux. There are rules for the system. And that is what we all live by. Everyone agreed to the rules. Those who didn't are not allowed to come out. LOL. I had two that finally just stopped popping up and told me they would never come back. They said we nagged them too much. I have positive affirmations on my walls around the house. To them, that was nagging. But for the rest of my system, they help remind us of why we are living the way we do.

Talk to your therapist about keeping a journal for your entire system. Ask them for help in setting up some rules for your system. I know it sure helped me.

Good luck, and remember, your alters are just a part of you. That part who suffered so much they did all they could to stay safe. They came into being to protect you from harm. They might be doing things that you don't do, but that is part of their way of coping. Love them as if they are your children, because that is exactly what they are.

 

[Addy]

Thanks safenow... The journal sounds like a great idea, and much less intimidating and stupid feeling than talking. I still have doubts about this, as I have not seen a video like your therapist did of you. Not that I'm saying that my therapist is lying, but this all seems so surreal. I just want to be normal (whatever that is).

 

[safenow]

Addy, normal for you is going to be different than it is for most other people.

But you will find a "normal". A way to work or go to school, and do well in life. A way to have a relationship with others. The important to remember is this: learn what all your triggers are. That is critical for your mental and physical health.

Once you know what they are for each of your system, you can find out what causes alters to show up.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

but why would I want to when it appears she (Dawn) does not have my best interest (smoking, destructive behaviors, etc.) at heart?

From the reading I did on DID, the simplest reason is that those behaviors might be here own natural response or might be her lashing out at you for denying her existence. Alters can get angry at being denied and can act out. Also if you don't share her needs/wants she won't communicate with you and then you won't be able to ask/tell her to stop the things you don't like.

I'm pretty sure I don't have DID, but possibly some DDNOS (or maybe just really bad dissociation/somthing I don't know about or understand_. But I will never tell myself I don't have it just in case partly because of the reasons I don't believe I have it and also because I don't want to scare anyone off. As I put it to myself at the time that all of this was raging in my head. I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone anyone that resides in me. I don't want to hurt me. So I won't say anything to hurt them. I left a note out for them - it's still in my bedside drawer, they never got back to me and my grasp on what DID is and what I go through improved and I made an informed decision that unless I had blocked out memories from a much earlier age and coexist with them, they are all parts of me. That's what helped me but I was in a different place to you and I doubt much of that would be helpful. But I just think you shouldn't shut her out too much because it won't help either of you.

AJ
xx

 

[safenow]

Oh Addy. Just so you know. Your different alters might be different religions than you. One might not even believe in God, while another is very overtly religious. One might be very athletic while another is physically disabled. One might be a health food nut, while another might be anorexic. You just never know until you meet each one.

For me, my system is a small community of individuals. Even though, for the most part, we all function as one now. But when under major stress, we go into what I call "Flux", where all of them pop in and out. When that happens, I can't work, nor go to school. I, for the most part, can't even leave my house, nor answer the telephone, because I don't know who might be out and what they will say or do.

Now being in Flux means, if you trust your therapist, he might recommend going inpatient until you can pull it back together again. And trust me, that is a very good place to be until you learn how to function together. But only when you are in Flux. So don't think I'm recommending inpatient for you, because I am not. When you are in flux, you might be suicidal or homicidal. This is why it is so important to learn who your different alters are and how they each handle stress.

 

[Addy]

From the reading I did on DID, the simplest reason is that those behaviors might be here own natural response or might be her lashing out at you for denying her existence. Alters can get angry at being denied and can act out. Also if you don't share her needs/wants she won't communicate with you and then you won't be able to ask/tell her to stop the things you don't like.

I guess that makes sense, but it doesn't make me any less frightened. I'm still very hesitant and skeptical. Thanks for your support.

Safenow... thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds very scary to me; the thought of such different personality traits is very strange. I don't know how I'm going to get a handle on all of this. It's very overwhelming right now. It's like I kind of want to pretend that what my therapist said isn't true. Of course, she would have no motivation to lie to me about it. She's always been very compassionate and caring, so I guess I just have to have faith that she's right.

She said this is a "good thing." I told her I didn't think it was so good at all. She clarified herself, and said she didn't mean that it was good that I had DID, but rather that now that we know what is going on, we have a better opportunity for the right treatment and healing to begin. I guess only time will tell. But there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going into any hospital. They'd have to take me away in handcuffs.

 

[Dissociated1]

My heart goes out to you, Addy. Please be gentle with yourself; you and Dawn are both still recoiling from the shock of discovering each other. One day at a time things will begin to unfold. You are both in my thoughts & prayers

Love, D1

 

[safenow]

I guess only time will tell. But there is no way on God's green earth that I'm going into any hospital.

As I said, I wasn't saying you need to do that.

Allow yourself to get to know you completely. Journal work will help with that. It sounds as though you have a caring, good therapist. Please, do what ever he suggests. It will simplify matters for you.

 

[Addy]

I'm sorry safenow... I hear the word hospital and it puts me in a panic. I was committed once against my will, and had a horrible experience on a psych unit. The mere thought of ever going back scares me. I know you weren't implying that I needed to do that now. I think I'm just overly sensitive right now, and still feeling very overwhelmed by what this means for my life.

But I thank all of you for your input and support. It is truly wonderful to have a place such as this to express my feelings without feeling judged. I have absolutely no one besides my therapist and this message board to discuss this with; no one I'd feel even remotely safe with. So big thanks and :hug: to all of you!

 

[safenow]

I am so glad we all have this forum for support. If you'll allow me, I send you safe, genle hugs, Addy. I hope your life will go well for you. I'll be praying for you, that you may heal faster than I. That your therapist can help you uncover all that made you have DID before you grow old. That you may have joy in your life, and be safe from furture harm.

 

[Addy]

Thank you so much safenow. Your kind words mean so very much because right now I feel so alone. I too hope that I will heal. As I mentioned, my therapist views this (having the proper diagnosis) as a good thing, so proper treatment can begin. I have faith in her, so I must trust that she is right. Of course, trust is a very difficult issue for me. But I have been with her now for over two years, and trust her about as much as I can trust anyone. For me, that's saying a lot. I am blessed to have her as my therapist. Hugs back at ya safenow!