Thanks! I've worked hard to project calm onto myself and my situation, it's nice to have that validated :)
In your opinion is it best for me to go to work without another word said? Or should I reaffirm that I love him but that going down this destructive path cannot be an option whilst we are both living under the same roof?
I think that's a really difficult choice, and that I kinda need to stay out of that decision. There are a lot of subtleties and uncertainties to consider.
My initial concern, when I saw your original post, was that you were neglecting your own safety. As the picture clarified, I could see that you had some very legitimate concerns, and some very legitimate reasons to be hopeful.
I don't think there are any good choices here. You can stay, which has a set of risks and pains. You can leave, which has a set of risks and pains. You can negotiate, which is likely to be extremely painful in the short term, and may-or-may-not set up a brighter future.
I can talk about principles:
Your first duty is always to your own safety.
PTSD recovery is always a few steps forward, followed by steps back. The better life gets, the more the demons want to be heard.
We (especially sufferers) tend to want to resolve things as neatly as possible. Beware this impulse - PTSD recovery is about being able to tolerate uncertainty. It's an extreme form of a normal pattern - under stress, it's normal to seek a resolution (any resolution) rather than to endure the uncertainty.
He has a long, hard, painful road in front of him. You get to choose if and how much of that journey you will share. If you are safe (in yourself, and for him) then he can benefit a lot from having you there. If you are not safe, then he's better off alone. The worst thing you can do is to stay and be a scapegoat / punching bag. The best thing you can do for him is to be healthy and strong, and to share that with him to the extent that it's safe for you to do so.
is it best for me to go to work without another word said?
Maybe. If the priority is to avoid another incident, then this seems to be the path to avoiding an incident. Sometimes things do improve because the situation guides events towards improvement. Sometimes problems need a chance to settle down before they can be addressed. Sometimes avoidance is the safe option because we lack the energy or skill or circumstances required to constructively not-avoid.
should I reaffirm that I love him but that going down this destructive path cannot be an option whilst we are both living under the same roof?
Maybe. It's definitely what most self-help authors would tell you to do. It's a compassionate, self-respecting, choice-giving option. It's also a painful confrontation that will require both of you to be able to cope with the pain and simultaneously tackle the content. It's a mixed message (like most truly honest messages) that he's likely to find confusing and difficult to handle.
There are, of course, other options. The fact that you present the choice in this way is a clue that you want to find a way to make it work. Sooner or later, it seems likely that there will be some kind of confrontation.
Things to consider:
- It's possible that you've already had the confrontation, but are wishing it had turned out differently. I understand quite well a desire to repeat an incident that you regret in the hopes that it will play out better (it's an important part of PTSD), but if doing that, have a very clear idea of why you think it might play out better this time around.
- We always focus on what the other party isn't hearing, and don't always pay as much attention to messages we might not have received properly. Don't forget to consider this.
- Are you trying to get him to fulfill needs that he is currently unable to fulfill? Are there alternative ways to fulfill these needs, thereby reducing the stress on both of you?
- Do you want to stay with him, or do you expect yourself to stay with him? Understand your answer and its implications
*hugs*
