Scared I'll Never Find Somone Who Can Deal With My Ptsd

[deleted]

(Long post warning)
I've steered clear of relationships for years since my trauma happened and I'm in no way ready to enter into anything now but I hope that maybe one day I will be. I really want that but I don't know if anyone would ever want me. And I don't know that I would blame them for not wanting me after they found out about my trauma and all that comes with it.

But when the time does come I'm afraid that once he would learn about my PTSD or experience an "episode" (panic attack, flashback, rage) that he would drop me like a hot potato. I also have scars all over my body from burns and one of my coping mechanisms is to burn myself with a curling iron. I form scars that don't go away no matter what for years. I've tried it all-scar cream etc. Plus I'm still engaging in this behavior so a lot of them are fresh. They are mainly on my breasts, ribs and thighs because those are the easiest places to hide them. And what guy wants a girl with horrible blisters and scars on her breasts?

I also have had an eating disorder (bulimia) for over 4 years. I feel like that would disgust any guy who would potentially want a relationship with me if he found out. And in addition to that I am working through a drug addiction to Klonopin and Xanax. I wouldn't get into a relationship until I am clean but I feel like just the knowledge that I was a drug addict and have a high potential to relapse (I have an addictive personality which my therapist says makes it very possible and easy for me to relapse into any previously addictive behavior) would turn him off completely and I wouldn't blame him.

And then we come to the trauma itself which was rape. I was 13 and he took my virginity. I haven't had or wanted to have sex since. I have no desire for sex. I have masturbated twice and while the orgasm was fun and felt reallyy good I have no need or desire to do it again. Porn disgusts me and the whole act of sex completely repulses me. That kind of makes having a relationship with someone a little hard as its almost a 99% guarantee they like sex and will want to have it. If I can barley hug my own best friend of many many years how would I ever have sex with anyone?

Which leads me into the whole they would have to take it super super super slow. As in holding hands would be a major, long, tedious, process to get to as touch is one of my biggest triggers. As I mentioned before, it took years to have my best friend give me a quick hug. How will I ever be able to manage anything touchwise with a man?

And if that isn't enough, my panic attacks, night terrors, rage outbursts, dissociation etc. would be enough to drive even the most patient man away.

I feel unlovable. I feel used up and worthless. I want a relationship-I want to be able to have someone hold me and tell me they love me regardless of all of this but I know that won't be physically possible for a long time. I just feel like damaged goods that no one will ever want.

 

[Deleted member 30956]

I just want to say that I read your post Katiee. And I relate. I know how suffocating this fear is, of being unlovable. You sound like a lovely person. Very much deserving of long-term romantic love. All I wanted to say was that it's possible. I think it happened to me. We've been together for a year now, and it's still as beautiful and magical as before. What keeps it "healthy" is giving each other a ton of space, and respecting each other's boundaries. We don't live together and don't plan on it, because that would certainly make it very very hard. He happens to be a man who's had much therapy himself, and his experience and wisdom; ability to love self and others; found a good match in me. I'm surprisingly at a point in healing where co-dependency disgusts me, so I make sure to always be on the lookout for any such tendency in myself. Somehow, a miracle happened and we found each other.

I just wanted to say that the impossible can happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Katiee_co , well I understand. And it sounds like your mind is looking for every possible thing that provides more evidence.

But you're not thinking of the reasons that make you lovable.

FWIW, I think addiction has a lot to do with trying to cope, as does self harm and even disordered eating. The better you are doing though the easier they may be to manage. Scars are scars. Whether or not you feel comfortable sexually can change (dependent on partner, much hard work).

Most of all I guess were it reversed, you may or may not be a person who could still be in love with your partner if they had those injuries/ past. If I were, I wouldn't care what others thought. If I weren't, that's ok too not everyone would want or be able to care that way for someone else.

They are things that can be worked on, & it sounds like you're doing much hard work already. :tup:

ETA @Katiee_co , just how it may seem impossible to have no need or desire to self harm and such, it is possible, so too may you see (all kinds of) things in a different light you can't imagine now.

You can however, rightly or wrongly, also reject love or care. Not sure if anyone can do much about that, other than ourselves, & unfortunately sometimes even that seems not possible.

I wish you well in your healing! (Cyber) :hug:.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I completely relate to that entire thread but add BPD, scars that spell words like "ugly" and "bad", and Im way over hyper sexual. My moods and emotions are always on either extreme and I explode at what seems to be nothing. Im single and had never found a guy that would 'put up' with me, the damn internet cant, how could i expect a guy to?

But let me tell you a story. When I was around 22 (right before my ex and I met) I found a youth pastor (around 28 or 30) on the internet. Long story, but he was married (we never did anything sexual, he refused) but his wife had severe trauma and had PTSD & oddly enough BPD. This was well before I was dignosed or even in therapy.

Anyway, we talked on the phone. He lived in a different State. He was sort of a friend i never met that I could talk to. He would talk about his wife often, holding a pillow on his stomach and letting her punch away at it, ripping apart a stuffed animal and he would do it wirh her. Just all sorts of stuff. He wouldnt go into detailed sexual information (nor would i expect him to) but he did tell me that she would get really scared and he'd stop and hold her, she wouldnt want to and so instead he would love on her other ways, she would want it too much and he would talk to her about why she constantly wanted it; that it was her trauma and helped her ground herself.

She would sometimes get jealous of us talking but he would be sure she could hear his side of it unless I wanted to talk about something I didnt want anyone to know and she picked up the phone once and we talked for a few mins which put her mind to rest; I was suicidal but am terrified of women but it was enough for her to know he was just helping me.

I was shocked, very shocked that a man was out there that was so very kind and gentle, had such a soft and gentle voice and he was helping me about every night or damn close to it too along with having a 2 yr old little girl.

His name is Chris but I lost his number when my ex and I got together. But my point is, men are out there that understand. I dont think you will find "him" if you are looking so when I feel "no man will ever want me" I think of Chris and remind myself that men like Chris are out there.

What Ive done is be ok single, keep working on my issues and Im sure that eventually you will find a man like Chris too and you may have worked on some of those issues by then and maybe they will be something in the past. :)

 

[Deleted member 30956]

Forgot to add that you could consider covering up your scars with elegant tattoos. It can be done :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking of that too @Salad . :)

 

[Casey_03]

This same fear used to keep me awake at night. Sometimes it still does, but not as much as it used to. I too have the scars problem. I think you should try to look at it from a completely different perspective -- your traumas and your scars won't make you unlovable at all; they will just help in weeding out superficial jerks who have no depth anyway. They make it more likely that you will attract someone else who has had some very trying experiences in life and who can understand you. Look at your scars as a badge of honor that you survived what you did and are still passionate about life (and you are passionate about life otherwise you wouldn't be posting what you posted). I don't know how old you are, but I can say I always had this fear when I was younger and I still managed to find boyfriends who cared for me (some ultimately were better than others). You are only unlovable damaged goods if you keep telling yourself that fiction. So focus on getting past the self hatred and shame -- that's the real issue here.

 

[Milo's papa]

(Long post warning)
I've steered clear of relationships for years since my trauma happened and I'm in...

Katiee, I can imagine why you would feel the way you do. My wife was raped so many times during the long period ofabuse that she endured. She developed DID as a result of that and her many other traumas and totally put it all behind a solid glass wall in her mind. When we married over 30 years ago she didn't even know about that part of her life.
8 years ago, when that glass wall was shattered and all of these memories started coming out, she would tell me almost daily that she knew once I found out what had happened to her I would just walk away and never look back .
I don't blame her for what happened. I understand why she would cut herself and try to dig out the injuries that she incurred. Rather than drive me away, it pulled me closer toward her so she would know that I will never let that type of thing happen again.
There are many guys out there like myself. I know this because I joined a local support group for partners of rape and abuse. When you are ready to begin trying to have a relationship I think you will be happy to know that there are people out there that "get it" and are ok with it, and want to help you move past it.
Don't give up before you start.
Best of luck, I'll be pulling for you, and cheering you on all the way.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's a really gentle & beautiful thing to say @Milo's papa . Quite different how many of us feel or would think possible. Thank you.

I'm pulling for you too @Katiee_co . :hug:

 

[Milo's papa]

That's a really gentle & beautiful thing to say @Milo's papa . Quite different how man...

Your welcome Junebug.

 

[Anarchy]

Katiee, offering you a few thoughts. Where I've asked questions, I'm not looking for answers, they're only suggestions for things to think about or assumptions to challenge.

I've steered clear of relationships for years since my trauma happened and I'm in no way ready to enter into anything now but I hope that maybe one day I will be. I really want that

If someone whom you liked, was clearly making gentle efforts in that direction and was making sure that they knew that they were not going to freak you out by doing so... might that view change?
and how would you let them know that their increasing friendship was welcome?

But when the time does come I'm afraid that once he would learn about my PTSD or experience an "episode" (panic attack, flashback, rage) that he would drop me like a hot potato.

There are more than a few here (myself included) who have expressed their surprise when something like that came out and they weren't dumped.

Equipping a person with some coping skills, rather than keeping quiet and them being surprised when something like that does happen, is probably a wise move to help them.

I also have scars all over my body from burns and one of my coping mechanisms is to burn myself with a curling iron. I form scars that don't go away no matter what for years. I've tried it all-scar cream etc. Plus I'm still engaging in this behavior so a lot of them are fresh. They are mainly on my breasts, ribs and thighs because those are the easiest places to hide them. And what guy wants a girl with horrible blisters and scars on her breasts?

On a long drive once, I listened to a radio interview with a post doc researcher who used to pose topless for some of Britain's seedier newspapers. she said that when anyone criticised the size, shape or whatever of part of her, her mental reframe was "ok, so perhaps my nose is small - but better to have a small nose than a small mind"

When asked if models like her were setting an unreasonable and unattainable image of what women should be, she replied that she'd shared changing rooms with all of the page 3 models, and could confirm that she and every other one of them had, cellulite, stretchmarks, scars, pimples, rashes, bruises, blotches... and that's what photoshop is there for.

if someone likes you enough to get to be shown those areas of you, they'll like what they find.

your traumas and your scars won't make you unlovable at all; they will just help in weeding out superficial jerks who have no depth anyway.

Totally agree!

I also have had an eating disorder (bulimia) for over 4 years. I feel like that would disgust any guy who would potentially want a relationship with me if he found out.

http://www.academia.edu/6734671/Status_Dynamic_Treatment_of_a_Case_of_Bulimia

And in addition to that I am working through a drug addiction to Klonopin and Xanax. I wouldn't get into a relationship until I am clean but I feel like just the knowledge that I was a drug addict and have a high potential to relapse (I have an addictive personality which my therapist says makes it very possible and easy for me to relapse into any previously addictive behavior) would turn him off completely and I wouldn't blame him.

alternatively he might be someone who provides stability, affirmation and acceptance while you do come off the drugs.

Which leads me into the whole they would have to take it super super super slow...
...And if that isn't enough, my panic attacks, night terrors, rage outbursts, dissociation etc. would be enough to drive even the most patient man away.

I suspect that he's going to have proven his commitment and be well prepared for the rage, dissociation and night time stuff by the time you get to that stage.

I feel unlovable. I feel used up and worthless.... but I know that won't be physically possible for a long time. I just feel like damaged goods that no one will ever want.

Those are all areas of thought for you to challenge.

You have had a horrible time after what happened to you, but you still come across as a lovely person (I'm not using that as a metaphor for physically unattractive - if the avatar photo is of you - you are far from it), and you are working on becoming the best version of you possible.

That's worth so much more than someone who has never worked on themselves

Wishing you the best of luck
@

 

[Deleted member 30956]

Katiee, I can imagine why you would feel the way you do. My wife was raped so many times during the...

So many beautiful souls on this forum!!