Scared Of My T

[mrsps]

I had my weekly session with my T this morning and afterwards I was thinking that I am actually a little bit scared of her. She hasn't done or said anything to make me feel this way. She is the loveliest T I could ever wish for so gentle and understanding.
I look forward to each Thurs when I have my appointment but when I get there its like I turn into this different person who is scared to talk to her. I get really frustrated with myself because I feel like I am wasting time and my therapy time is so precious to me.
I am scared to tell her stuff even though I know she would be gentle with her reply, I just get stuck

Anyone else feel like this?

oops this is my thread ........ didn't realise I wasn't signed in at the time!

 

[ghotiff]

I get it. In my head I can say lots to her, but I get in to my appointment and I just can't.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I get it, too. For me, it was more a fear of what I knew I needed to say...have you been seeing her long? Sometimes it takes time to 'warm up'. I saw my T for 5 years before I told him some stuff. I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth!

 

[mrsps]

In my head I can say lots to her

Yes this is totally it! I plan in my head before each session what I want to talk about but when I get there nothing comes out

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Can you make notes...maybe give them to her? My T works with me any way he can. That might be an idea?

 

[mrsps]

Can you make notes...maybe give them to her?

I have done this ...... but then I worry about what I have written and some notes I leave with her to read once Im gone. Then I worry for the next week weather or not she is going to say anything about what was written and I get scared to go and see her because I don't know whats going to happen.
I haven't been seeing her all that long but it feels a lot longer than it has been, I feel she is a really good fit for me. My previous T I saw for quite some time and had the same issue with her. Its just really frustrating (and must be frustrating for my T as well)

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I totally get it! During the week thoughts and emotions will come up and I make a mental note to talk about them next session. Then when I get there I chicken out and we end up talking about something else maybe not as important. Then I end up getting totally pissed at myself for wasting a therapy session.

My T says I can text or email her my though during the week so she has an idea of what I want to work on at my sessions. I usually chicken out before doing that too.

Glad you have an awesome T. I do too. It's just so hard to be so vulnerable!

 

[mrsps]

Then when I get there I chicken out and we end up talking about something else maybe not as important

Yes, this!
The other thing I find is that if my T starts talking about one topic and there is something else I want to talk about I cant tell her. But the topic I want to talk about is on my mind and I am not focused on what she is talking about. Argh this happens so often

 

[watundah]

Absolutely. It is getting better but some weeks I relapse badly. Fear trust vulnerability. ..all big show stoppers that shut me down.

 

[Digz]

I have been scared of T's too, but they were kind and gentle people. For me, the fear was often about transference. Don't know if this could be the case for you?

 

[mrsps]

the fear was often about transference

I would say this is the case. Fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of getting told off ...... stuff that happened in the past. Have talked these fears through with my T and I know that she most likely wont tell me off ...... just still have this fear of her.
Frustrating as it holds me back. I just wish I was the sort of person who could just blurt everything out!

 

[Digz]

I know - it's terribly hard. I remember just sitting in silence for so much of so many sessions. But every little bit you say, no matter how small, is progress. For me, just turning up to the appointments was enough work in itself and a victory!
I don't know if it would help, but one thing I did with my first therapist when I couldn't talk was write it down and take it with me - I could either read it that way, or just hand it to her. It seemed to make starting the conversation and getting over the initial hurdle easier.