Scared of PTSD

[taraNcognita]

I understand that Anthony is looking out for the community, and I agree with the rules of the forum.
What he said to me just seems harsh, if he had to say that, I wish he had done it privately. Maybe I could have clarified what I wrote, or at least I wouldn't be so embarrassed.
Ok, I'm going to let it go now, I'm going to stay away from this forum for now, I get a bad feeling when I think about it. Keep in mind that I feel like crying when someone honks at me in traffic, I know I'm super sensitive to that kind of thing. It's just better if I don't add one more worry/anxiety/embarrassment to everything else I've got going on.
my prayers and thoughts of healing go out to everyone here though.
tara

 

[anthony]

Hi Tara, I may very well have taken it the wrong way, hence why I say it and let you clarify it. Sorry if it seems harsh, though the idea is to be pushed a little.... not be within your comfort zone. If you do not tolerate a push now, then you are not ready to heal your trauma, because your going to need to push yourself quite fiercely to achieve this. My methods do have a madness to them...

You should not take it personally, instead question me, which you did in your response on the first page. I just had not gotten to it until now.

 

[taraNcognita]

Right, since you know so much about me you thought that the best way to "push" my healing would be a smack-down in my first post?
Because I was hurt by being told that what I wrote was just a ploy for sympathy and not honest? I dont think that gives you anywhere near enough information to say I'm not ready to heal my trauma. I have pushed myself EXTREMELY HARD just to get to this point.
I'm sorry everyone for this whole thing, I am going to try to just leave it alone. I've already had quite a few experiences of thinking I could turn to someone for help and getting the "you're overreacting. You're just trying to get attention" response before they have heard my story. If they only knew. I think people in my life just don't want to believe things like that happen, and don't want to know how much they can affect you, your whole life.
Whatever Anthony's reasons for reacting to my post that way, it feels the same.
I'm really sorry everyone.

 

[anthony]

Tara, if that is the response you have obtained before, which you just admitted, then maybe you might need to stop for a second and have a look at yourself, instead of blaming everyone else for your issues. You posted things which outright are of a sympathetic nature, I pull no punches with these things. Has it done you any favours so far? I doubt it very much because others you have turned towards for help are telling you the same thing. Hello.... wakeup time Tara. This forum does not enable, I do not apologise for that. I will not enable you here, its not in your best interest, not mine, yours Tara. Not just myself, others are telling you the same thing which you admit, yet you don't see its wrong, its not helping you. Sympathy only induces PTSD, it does nothing towards reduction of symptoms or traumatic causes. I don't need to know you to know what sympathy looks like Tara, what it is, I have a lot of experience with it.

You want sympathy, you are in denial and need to come out of it. We are here to help you, not enable you.

 

[taraNcognita]

I guess I don't know what the difference is between sympathy and writing about how I feel. I thought I was writing about how I feel.

 

[taraNcognita]

Please explain to me what sympathy is.
I'm really confused about this, I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a bitch, I really don't mean to.
So the people (parents, teachers, friends) who looked at me like that when I said "I really need to talk to someone" and tried to explain what was going on inside me were right?
What am I in denial about?
I feel like I'm way too...whatever...to be trying to use this board. It's like I'm not speaking the same language.

 

[taraNcognita]

this is so so upsetting to me, I'm sorry to keep posting about it. I'm sure people are just staying the heck away. Nice, new girl, way to make a first impression, can't wait to talk with you. I'm afraid I ruined my chance here. I didn't mean to. And I am afraid everything I write is doing the same thing-sympathy-since I don't know the difference. does everyone else?
it's 4:30 am and my head is pounding from crying. I need to try and get some sleep, if the sun comes up and I'm still awake I really get freaked out. (is that trying to get sympathy? i sincerely don't know, not trying to be snotty)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Tara,

You have the choice to leave or stay. If you leave then you run. You can't run from PTSD. You have to face the shit that is bothering you. We are ALL sensitive, we all have our feelings hurt. The idea is to work through it, not take things so personal and LISTEN to what others are saying. Then incorporate those things into your life.

Just listening to your head and heart when they maybe telling you the wrong thing is not a good decision IMO.

Your choice......

 

[linasmom]

Hi Tara,

I'm sure you're feeling attacked right now and I know that for someone with PTSD that can be excruciating. If I'm wrong about how you feel, I apologize.

We are not all at the same stages of dealing with our PTSD. Have you read around the board at all, yet? There are so many posts, so many topics of discussion!!!

I hope you are doing okay today.

Best,
Rachel

 

[taraNcognita]

I do sort of feel like I'm being attacked.
I am upset because this is not what I expected when I decided to join this forum. I wanted a place where I could safely express what I was thinking and feeling and not have to feel bad about it. I feel like I'm being shoved into dealing with something I didn't even know existed with no explanation or introduction. does this to everyone who has an issue they're not aware of?
I feel like I'm making a LOT of progress in therapy and on my own, and I'm working on what I can.
I just started trying to heal my PTSD, I'm very sensitive obviously and I apparently don't know what the rest of you know.
This whole thread makes me feel a sense of public shame.
i'll try to identify the sympathy aspect and resolve it.
I am not running from my recovery.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Tara,

Apparently you must have posted that you were considering suicide???? Am I correct??? If so then THAT IS looking for sympathy. It makes everyone else upset, panic, and worried. That is NOT what this forum is for. It is to give support, a shoulder to lean on, advice on how to cope with things.

The point is....We all KNOW how you feel, we too have PTSD. You are not alone in what you feel, think, or are going through.

Post that you feel like shit, had a bad day, the kids drove you into a panic attack, your other half doesn't understand. Ask how to deal with anxiety, meds, flashbacks, nightmares, things of that nature.

Suicide post just upsets the rest of us, and it's not allowed by Anthony's rules.

 

[taraNcognita]

No. I did not post that I was considering suicide. Not what I was thinking at all. If you read through this thread you'll see what happened.
Anthony apparently mistook what I wrote as suicidal, and wrote some stuff that was embarrassing to me as a completely new person. I tried to clarify that I was not referring to suicide at all, just trying to describe what I felt, (in sort of a mix of writing out visual images and describing) and he took me the wrong way. I had read the rules, and I agree with them, I wouldn't break them!
basically this whole thing is my reaction to him telling me I'm playing the sympathy card, not posting openly and honestly, I'm in denial about wanting sympathy and that when others have not believed me or thought I was just trying to get attention by telling small parts of my "crazy" story they were telling me the same thing.
maybe he's right. I guess he must be. He knows a lot more that I do. I'm totally willing to look at that.
I'm upset that my first post got such a negative reaction. like i said earlier, it took a lot for me to write what i did. I didn't know what I was saying or feeling was wrong. or fishing for sympathy. or whatever.
now I know.