Scared To Tell My Therapist

[Leah123]

I've had a really busy few months of therapy. Seems like I've managed to fit a lot of my painful early and current life story into a short time. And I'm wavering between overwhelmed and very sad. I guess that's progress from overwhelmed! I'm getting to the part where I see how my damned past is still alive and well, in some ways, in my life and my parenting. It's pretty horrific and distressing to acknowledge. And sometimes... the betrayals make me feel terribly sad.

I'm pretty tired of bringing new material up with my therapist. I've told her all kinds of important things, and I want a little time to catch up with the emotional impact of some of them now. I wish I could just have an hour for her or someone to tell me everything's going to be alright. To tell me it's ok, and that they're sorry, and to sort of help me, to hold on to my sadness with me. It's very hard to be sad all alone, and try to feel better- I just end up feeling.... worse or tired out.

My therapist has told me in the past, that she would 'hold my tears for me' something it's a little hard for me to grasp. She's prone to saying she's sorry, when I reveal painful things. I could really use some of that compassion now, but DON'T want to ask. I hate to ask, I feel..... way too exposed, too scared that she won't have compassion. I don't want her to try and manufacture caring. She says she does, but I know it's not something you can just... put on, like a method actor or something.

Sometimes, she's so encouraging, and practical, which is good, but... I don't really want any of that right now. Is that terrible? Sometimes.... I'm so contrary, I don't want her to congratulate me on my progress or explain psychological concepts... I just want... to finally feel like someone cares about the things that went wrong for me.

I feel mortified even writing this.

Anyone else have trouble with things like this? I'm supposed to have a phone session with her tomorrow, and I just want to cancel at this point and be alone with all the sad things on my mind. Don't know what to do.

I'm listening to Pink's song "Try" and the great dance piece that goes with it now- worth a listen if anyone hasn't heard it yet. It helps...sometimes, we just have to be courageous, don't we... even about our vulnerabilities. I think that must be what therapy is all about. :)

 

[maddog]

Leah, what you say makes so much sense to me, so so much sense! Yes, part of therapy is about being courageous and doing the hard work, but part oftherapy, or of coming to terms with the horrors of the past, is about grief.

And grief, contrary to what some people think or wish, isn't just a passing recognition. Grief is a process, and a damn critical one, and it takes time, space, connection and compassion, and if therapy is the context through which the hard work and processing is done, then it's totally natural that therapy will be the place in which at least some of that grief also needs to be expressed.

I could have written your post a thousand times, particularly in recent weeks. I know it seems idiotic and mortifying to wish you could just say "could you please spend an hour letting me be sad and telling me it's all somehow going to be ok..." and yet on some level, I think that's actually a perfectly reasonable expectation.

I'm not suggesting you say it like that, but saying something like "I'm really struggling with emotions and feelings of really intense sadness at the moment, we've been doing so much processing work, I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed..." is perhaps a good opener. She sounds like someone who is very well aware of the need for validation and emotional processing as well, and it's likely that a subtle but clear statement like this will make sense to her.

Validation is really what it's all about. When you have been starved of so much, sometimes you feel as though whatever you receive now can never be enough. And at some point you do have to learn to find that in yourself... but like everything in therapy, that doesn't happen overnight.

I really hope you can raise this with her - those few moments of awkwardness might bring you a whole load of relief and validation, I really really hope so. I just can't say enough how much I resonate with your post Leah!!

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

I too could have written much of what you write here Leah!

DON'T want to ask. I hate to ask, I feel..... way too exposed, too scared...I don't want her to try and manufacture caring.

I have such a huge problem asking for what I need. Still. In the past I could not do so at all. In fact I could not ask for help. And only much later I realised that some of it was for the reasons you describe. Well done to you for your self awareness.

I feel mortified even writing this.

Isn't it awful how something as human and normal as this would cause one to feel mortified. And I totally understand that too.

I also totally distrust anything anyone says if I say what I need. Along with that I feel like I have given them important ammunition to use against me later.

I hate the whole pity party comments that people sometimes make as I think its unhelpful for those of us who struggle to just allow ourselves to be hurt and mourn. Yes too much of it is unhelpful but mourning is an important part of healing.

I think your t will understand if you say you need to time to catch up emotionally and to mourn. And I hope you find the courage to ask for what you need.

 

[Leah123]

I just read your comments. I struggled, hard, with wanting to have a Moderator delete my original post. I don't even like these things in print, anonymously, anywhere.

I appreciate your replies. I can't manage how I'm feeling right now... getting upset and gathering myself for my day is like a cycle I'm going through every 5 minutes.

I know it seems idiotic and mortifying to wish"

That's just how I feel, maddog.

Before I read your replies, well.... I told her I was too sad, and I told her t was the height of idiocy for me to admit it, that it made me want to slit my throat. I couldn't maybe say what I really meant, what I really wanted, I was hoping she'd maybe... intuit it. Maybe it's harder typing online too. I can see, maybe she sees how sad I am, and I think she knows I'm overwhelmed, we were supposed to talk about it tomorrow.

But instead, I emailed her that maybe I needed a break. I told her 3 times. And she said ok.
I'm a fool for saying I need a break, when what I really need is someone to hold on to me while I watch the way I held my life together fall apart for a while. And I'm a fool to expect her to see through it, which I do expect, and to tell me a break would be a bad idea, and she can help me with the overwhlemed.... and moreso, that she wants to.

I also totally distrust anything anyone says if I say what I need. Along with that I feel like I have given them important ammunition to use against me later.

Yep, that's exactly part of why I don't want to ask for anything.

So... when she said ok to the break, I sent her quite a mean email, about if she was sick of me, fine, we should make it a permanent break, and that I couldn't manage wanting anything from her, and I couldn't manage how I was feeling, and I couldn't manage being alone with it. And that's the true part, anyway.... you all think it will help?

I'm so messy. :(

 

[Abstract]

Leah, you know this of course but t's don't have crystal balls nor do they read tariff cards. And as awfully hard as it is (it is) I think we have two choices. Either live with the isolation or say something directly. Saying the opposite of what one needs just leads to more misery. We are adults and T's are going to treat us that way and therefore honor our request.

Can you apologise and give at least a nod in the direction of what you really need? Sometimes that is way better than asking for something that we don't want instead. Its really up to you and what you want what you do next. Its not something any of us can answer for you as you are unique you.

 

[Leah123]

t's don't have crystal balls nor do they read tariff cards

Urgh, I knew I'd hired the wrong kind of provider!!!

Yes, darn it, as galling as it is to admit... I have told her directly that I know she's not psychic, and that I can see so clearly, the appeal, to the people that do hire psychics- to feel like you can get an answer without hardly having to ask a question.

As far as giving her a nod in the direction I need, well, call me a fool, I sent her the link to this thread. I'm mentally cringing while I go about my busy day, thank goodness I have a million chores and my family to keep me from focusing 200% of my attention on this. :)

 

[Leah123]

Alright, I'm too overwhelmed to reply to it today, but here's her response for anyone interested. I'm also happy to give a recommendation if anyone wants an awesome online therapist (chat, phone, email sessions) at very reasonable rates, lol, I like her more and more all the time.

I'd sent her the link to this page, and told her a couple memories of my mother that were stuck in my head this weekend, not the most reassuring ones, ha. She replied:

"Oh XXXXXXX, I am so sincerely sorry you had such a horrible mother! You and your little brother deserved better; all children deserve a nurturing, caring mother. Yours was cruel, and I am feeling so sad for you!

I read what you wrote in the PTSD forum. I hope you will decide to trust me with your sadness. Knowing more about how unfeeling your mother was, I can certainly understand how very scary it is to think about sharing your feelings with me, to be truly vulnerable. I understand that you fear I will not be there for you, just as your mother was not. But I can tell you, promise you, that I will be here for you to hold your tears. You have not told me too much and you have not ruined anything. It is time for your grief, your tears. I will be here at 12:30 tomorrow, and if all you want to or can do is cry, that will be okay. I am here for you"

 

[Rumors]

Best wishes to you! I think you are incredibly courageous to confront your feelings. I hope you are able to find comfort that most of us here have had similar, if not exactly the same feelings. I imagine your T will happily walk this journey with you.

 

[Leah123]

And grief, contrary to what some people think or wish, isn't just a passing recognition. Grief is a process, and a damn critical one, and it takes time, space, connection and compassion

Just wanted to thank you for validating that. I have the strongest impulse sometimes to just shut up and move on. I know better, but it's a struggle. So, thanks.

I also can hardly stop thinking that I'm far too old to grieve such old happenings, though I think part of the issue is I'm a mother now, and have SO much more innate understanding of what went wrong in my childhood, now that I see how precious, vibrant, and vulnerable my daughter is... and how much harder motherhood is for me than it should be, maybe, everything seems fresh again.

 

[maddog]

We're never, ever too old to grieve Leah. As long as there is unspent grief, there will be a time and a place for it.

I'm really glad your T has responded so supportively and with such validation of your needs right now. I hope this will help you to be able to reach out to her with honesty in the future.

And I have to say that I imagine there are some additional challenges of connection and communication with online therapy, notwithstanding its obvious convenience benefits. I imagine this requires you both to have to work even harder than normal to communicate clearly and openly, given that you would miss a lot of the subtleties of nonverbal communication that occur face to face. Good for you for taking the risk - a risk I hope you believe was worth taking.

Maddog

 

[Chosen]

I'd be terrified to link my T to this forum!! Very brave of you, Leah!

 

[Kristoff]

Ive been in therapy for the past seven years and have opened up my heart and, sadly, have seen very little results.

It took me a couple years to open up to my therapist so I'd take my time if I were you. The bridge of trust takes time.