Scared To Work, Confused And Lost...

[Deleted member 39857]

Well here I go, this past year July 2016 I had my sister kill her self. Upon returning to work from that I learned one of my coworkers killed him self. These things happen in the universe. But as I took my loa time to cope I began a serious downfall inwardly. For one my sister when I was maybe 4-5 sexually molested me multiple times, I never said anything as long as our mom was alive. Why not? When I was 4 I was kidnapped and taken to Roswell New Mexico. I know alien abduction city I always laughed kind of while crying! Why was I taken? Come to find out because my father had already done things to my brother and sister nothing to me I was his kid and just wanted me. So I was gotten back he was taken to prison. My sister who lived with us decided that I should get what I deserved I guess. The problem is I never got to face her about it all that combined with how close was my coworker to coming into work and going homicidal instead of suicidal. I work in a call center and now we even have had training which sent me into panic attack mode and buttons to push in case of an active shooter since installed. I am just learning after this year I have PTSD actually diagnosed. My company has been the greatest any company could be and I have missed months, returned, triggers, panic attacks, return, the same, more time off, and now they're saying I need to go back that I'm running out of leave and absences. Even trying to just go to the movies this week I was evaluating threats to me I couldn't even just enjoy a movie anymore. This has been off and on through my life only just now this year did it finally get diagnosed because I finally got a good enough job to have benefits and now I can lose it and my benefits to see my doctor plus financially I can lose my home soon. I have been so lost, scared, hopeless and hurt I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm seeing my doctor today who I owe money to and probably can't see me anymore soon. I'm just lost at least somewhere now I got this out there. Any help welcomed, any direction. I have no trust in anyone but perhaps someone who hasn't betrayed me like a stranger is exactly what I need at this point. Fun fact even found out last week my wife has been talking to other guys for 7 years, told her to leave, had a close friend reveal feelings then after thinking I could let her in I found out that I wasn't the only guy shattering my trust in the world! My universe has fun timing. Job intimidating me, and the world...

 

[Freedomfighter]

That is a tough one for sure. Found out such things in a past marriage when it was already way too late. Have also witnessed other people who strayed when their significant others were away. It is such an ugly thing to witness that it really does shake you to your core. I have tremendous empathy for people who do the right thing in a relationship only to be presented with a cheating spouse. That hurts even if one is not the one in such a relationship.
You were right to tell her to leave, you have to protect yourself now, give yourself time to heal. People are complicated beings at any rate, and I have always always been very cautious with people due to that fact.

I think it may be helpful to you to think about yourself now and figure out what you want and need, then at a time when you have figured that out you will have a better understanding of what it is that you really need.

 

[Deleted member 39857]

That is a tough one for sure. Found out such things in a past marriage when it was already way t...

Thanks Freedomfighter I appreciate the response! I'm doing better today and yet worse in some areas. Going in tomorrow to work so HR and everyone can be on the same page with my accommodations from my doctor. The close friend I thought was interested decided to total her car this weekend and attempted suicide after she heard I might try to work on my marriage which tells me she's highly unstable and potentially a bad thing avoided after all. Been tough not feeling responsible for it but even tougher is trying to not be empathetic while still having compassion for the friend. My doctor on the bright side will still see me no matter what, said I'm one of her patients that she really needs to see and we'll figure it out down the road and put me at ease with work informing me I'm protected under ADA and that my job really doesn't want to go there. And I'm still struggling to be on my own or accepting of others in my mess of a life. My doctor and my boss, both opinions I value highly as well, agreed that maybe I should be alone for now relationship wise. It's just so tough. The friend who revealed her feelings about me for years honestly had me excited enough to dance in my house when I learned how she felt. I felt alive when I hadn't in years. Only to make me feel soon after learning she was talking to at least 4 other guys, instantly making me feel like a contestant on a game show breaking my trust so soon after a similar event. Understand I had a moment when I went to tell her we couldn't be together and then what did I do instead? Put my face right in front of hers and said I'm right here. We kissed like I haven't been kissed in over 13 years. I felt super confident and then because she's on my phone plan as well I check her texts, 16,739 in a month to guys. Yeah I instantly felt transformed into a lollipop. But still swinging! Everyone do the same!