Other Seeing my DA tomorrow. Anxiety has been high for last 2 days.

[SherbertLemon]

I’m meeting my abusive partner briefly at the train station tomorrow to collect my child and have her with me for 5 days. I have been so anxious, stressed and feeling a sense of hyper vigilance for the last 2 days about it.
I am exhausted and don’t find it comfortable pretending things are ok when he has been abusive toward me I front of our child and I will be holding inside me all of this panic internally.
I have no fixed address at the moment and am tired of experiencing this level of anxiety and vulnerability.
In front of the social team he has been jolly and I sit there full of internal anxiety that leaves me back in a trauma state all over again as it is clear to no one other than he and I how awful he has been in communicating.
Tomorrow is going to be such a double edged sword. I’m hoping he says very little and it’s a straight forward exchange. For now, I’m petrified with the anticipation of it. Even if he is calm, he always was infront of an audience so I’ll not be feeling relieved even if it is straight forward. I’m shaking at the thought.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Trust in yourself and be strong. It will get easier. In time you'll have a fixed address, support and more.

For now dont think about him, think about the 5 fantastic days you will have with your daughter.

He is insignificant and irrelevant, an obstacle to navigate. You and your daughter are what's important, dont let him affect your time with her or influence it.

 

[SherbertLemon]

Thank you. I was clutching at what I thought were straws in joining this site and I am so nervous and yet so proud of myself for doing so.
Feeling so isolated and then isolating myself from help because I’ve spoken to friends in the past and there has been no understanding whatsoever of how silent abuse and lonely it can be.
Today I went and spoke with a team at a mental well-being support service and the lady I cried in front of simply listened and understood.
I’ll update on how it goes and how I’ve dealt with it. It’s nice to not feel so irrelevant and down trodden.
I’m going to be overjoyed when it’s just her and I and her getting to know her extended family in my side.
I often think to when one of the last times I saw her and how she fell asleep in my arms as I walked us both back up a steep hill after having been to the park nearby the hospital this breakdown has had me in.
Nothing compares to how peaceful I felt having her fall asleep in my arms as my tired legs ploughed on forward. I’ve not experienced a love like that I have for my child, I’ll look to focus on her smiles as we go for an adventure in the train with plenty of fruit and water and paper and pens to occupy us.
Grieving a living child where circumstances, should my ex have sought to have us both see her in a more balanced manner and him refuse seems so against what our child has deserved.
It’s sad he doesn’t see past his own anger and the cost that comes for our child.
I was listening to a book on silent abuse and how the first stage of recovery is despair and can leave the abused person hyper focused on the perpetrator. I’ve been deep in that place for some time…especially given how it’s limited my time to maintain a closer relationship with our child. He has little interest in ensuring our child has two well parents and that, I believe, shows his character.
Oh, I’m so looking forward to the solace seeing my child will bring for us both. She’s been robbed and I can only be thankful that she is too young to know about it.
I remember once reading a saying that was ‘hurt people, hurt people’.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Some hurt people, hurt people. Others find love and healing more satisfying. Why propagate pain and suffering when you've received too much?

Reading your post just now made the hairs on my arms stand up and made me smile. I can picture the peace and well being you must have felt. You're a good mum, dont let anyone make you think otherwise.

I dont think breakdown is the right word for what you went through, more beaten-down by a horrible person. He does not deserve your focus or time.

Tell me how it goes, I'd like to hear that you greet your daughter with a smile and leave with a giggle. Barely a thought or moment spent on him that you dont have to. Dont let him derail you, stay strong.

 

[Friday]

Hand offs are BRUTAL.

We did ours in a police station, for a few years (he -theEx- ADMITTED he tried to kill me, but did it in family court, so our DA -district attorney, what does your DA stand for?- had a policy that any crimes admitted to in family court were not prosecuted in criminal court, queen -not for a day- but forever bullshit). Later, it was a before school & after school divide. Later still, was a ferry ride.

They’re all GUTTING.

For about 6 years? I would collapse, same day, and not come to for 2-5 days. That’s how much they wrecked me.

Hey! Kiddo! Here I am handing you off to your abuser! In addition to all of the pain/rage/fear you’re about to experience? You’ll NEVER trust me, again… and for good damn reason. I understand that. And fundamentally agree with it. But? The stats of amazing people who had asshole dads? Is reeeeeeally high. Meanwhile the stats of kids who had one parent kill the other, to protect them? All. End. Badly.

I’ll NEVER forgive myself for handing my kid off to be abused.

Ever. It’s not a forgivable thing. I gave my kid to a monster, to be hurt, week after week after week.

The better of 2 evils? Doesn’t make 1 choice not evil. They’re still BOTH fawking evil.

But TheKiddo was too old to take and run with. He’d have forgiven his father, and made contact, I estimated sometime in the first 6mo. At which point? He wouldn’t be week on, week off, but 8 years 24/7/365. Assuming he lived that long. Which is iffy. Even with courts paying attention he would take my son to riptide do not swim areas… to swim. And send me the photos. And 1,000 other things. All of which TheKiddo survived, by luck/chance/stubborness.

It. Is. DESTROYING. To be giving your kid to an abuser.

Not just your sense of self, but the bond between you & your kid, and their sense of the world & what to expect/they deserve.

But?

The stats are also really clear; Amaaaaaazing people survive assholes. On the daily. They’ll be f*cked up in a lot of different ways, but are, themselves… amazing.

2 evils.

I chose the one that ruined ME, but gave my kid a chance.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Fu*k Friday, wtf, your DA is f*cked in the head.

You did not choose to do evil, you chose the opposite when faced with something cruel and horrible.

Sorry you had to live through that. You were and are there for your kid that's what's important. You were both failed and let down, not your fault or choice.

 

[Movingforward10]

Your anxiety is well placed because he is abusive. And he may well use what he can to continue the abuse.

Do the social workers not believe he is abusive towards you? It's not a safe plan for you to do hangovers together like that. They would know that so it is a worry about how they perceived you and him. Has he groomed and manipulated them?

Keep the handover really really brief.
Can someone be there too?
Can you stand near someone or under a CCTV camera or something to help you feel there is some level of safety around you?

I hope it goes well and I hope you and your child have a wonderful time together.

 

[Susan Jane]

I’m meeting my abusive partner briefly at the train station tomorrow to collect my child and have her with me for 5 days. I have been so anxious, stressed and feeling a sense of hyper vigilance for the last 2 days about it.
I am exhausted and don’t find it comfortable pretending things are ok when he has been abusive toward me I front of our child and I will be holding inside me all of this panic internally.
I have no fixed address at the moment and am tired of experiencing this level of anxiety and vulnerability.
In front of the social team he has been jolly and I sit there full of internal anxiety that leaves me back in a trauma state all over again as it is clear to no one other than he and I how awful he has been in communicating.
Tomorrow is going to be such a double edged sword. I’m hoping he says very little and it’s a straight forward exchange. For now, I’m petrified with the anticipation of it. Even if he is calm, he always was infront of an audience so I’ll not be feeling relieved even if it is straight forward. I’m shaking at the thought.

Can you take someone with you? Abusers are sometimes less abusive when they have an audience, or at least in my case he was. Still an asshole but too scared to show his real character… Good luck and sending strength to you, I really understand. I used to have to pretend and play nice, it feels awful to have to act

 

[SherbertLemon]

Can you take someone with you? Abusers are sometimes less abusive when they have an audience, or at least in my case he was. Still an asshole but too scared to show his real character… Good luck and sending strength to you, I really understand. I used to have to pretend and play nice, it feels awful to have to act

I hadn’t anyone to take me nor anyone whom really believes how bad things have been. He was fine and normal and it was a brief interaction where I gave him a blank copy of a parenting plan for him to look at and complete in line with what CAFCASS support as a best line practice and then child and I left. She and I have had a long day on the train and bus and were picked up by my aunt and uncle at the train station on our arrival.
Child has settled in here straight away until it came to her bedtime routine however after such a long day for her and a new environment to settle in to I’m not surprised.
I emailed for her routine as it is now and received a reply saying he’d informed my uncle and including the routine which has been not so helpful this evening given so much being new so and he included non-negotiable in respect of not laying next to child whilst she goes to sleep. That hasn’t proven possible this evening.
Child watches a lot of TV and was very demanding about what to watch before bed. Child has had to deal with hearing a no from me as I don’t schedule in as much TV watching as he chooses.
I’ve seen child at 2yrs is familiar with The Simpsons which I’m less than happy about as it includes a lot of adult content that many adults seem fine with-I am not considering its inclusion of casualised beer drinking, bullying and violence (itchy and scratchy scenes).
I’d rather her be interacted with more and skills enabled such as drawing, painting, engaging in conversation.
Child says she is missing friends (nursery friends) and I believe it his likely intention that he move her to his local area once the house sells which I will not be supporting as it is an outstanding rated nursery and child is well established there.
Ex stated I cannot take her out of nursery for a week to reconnect given how little I have seen of child and has put to uncle that I can have child over October break which does not happen at the nursery child is at so either he’s oblivious or picking and choosing on his terms at the expense of mine and child’s relationship.
It is great having child with me after only contact being 14hrs over 5 months.
I am interested to see what how he engages with the parenting plan supplied as as it stands he remains dictatorial in his communication with me and obstructive. It isn’t pleasant as it isn’t conversational nor aiming toward respectful and balanced.
The mental torture of it is awful as it can have me so upset and unsettled and he knows it.
I have 6 weeks until I am in a home of my own instead of in a hostel (essentially homeless and borrowing money from my uncle).
Given I will live nearer to child’s nursery upon him eventually moving once the house sale completes I am unsure how he will be regarding child and being at nursery then.
I’m exhausted and my autistic and traumatised brain right now has me thinking he will dictate child moves with him. The thought of a legal case isn’t easy to comprehend however being dictated to is something that needs to change. I doubt from my experience of him that it will.
For now, be in a home and aim for 50/50 contact with a view to child staying with me for nursery and we have a weekend each with child-that’s my aim as I will also need full days with child.
I’d like to get her into weekend and evening activities to enable her development being nourished and that will require him taking child one weekend and I the other.
I aim to get involved with nursery parents and events to encourage her socialisation with friends of her own as child deserves that for their own wellbeing and social nourishment
A lot of wait and sees for now and 6 weeks until being in a home feels like a forever length of time right now.
Deep breaths for me. I’m aiming to be in bed shortly for a full day of parent-child bonding and being busy.
I need to get child new shoes as they are in shoes too large for their feet and has tripped up a number of times today and I need to figure out if that’s shoes related.
Thank you for being at the end of messages, it’s gratefully received.

 

[Susan Jane]

So glad to hear it went okayish… each new confrontation makes me stronger. It is hard and you did out! Celebrate your small win and be kind to yourself…. You deserve it

 

[Friday]

I hadn’t anyone to take me nor anyone whom really believes how bad things have been.

The few times I had friends with me? (Like TheKiddo’s ballgame, etc.) They were STUNNED at how uncomfortable the entire situation was. Noticing things that weren’t even on my radar, my standards had so lowered.

So my own experience says it’s worth it… but also says I reeeeally limited outside involvement, just because paying attention to them, whilst paying attention to my son, whilst ignoring my ex? Was a juggling act I rarely felt up to… and then there was the outcome. Which I couldn’t predict. Their relief at TheEx behaving, their fury at TheEx being himself? Their attempts to support? Meant it was one. more. persons. emotions. Even if they & their presence were amaaaaazing, and I wished I could keep them in my pocket, just the addition of one. more. persons. emotions... Usually made it too much for me to contemplate.