Relationship Seeking advice to improve my relationship

[EveHarrington]

I guess my struggle with your advice Eve is the lack of optimism in the answer. I am a cancer surv...

Hi, I think you’re reading more into my reply than intended.

People here tend to tell things as they see them as opposed to being optimistic in order to make people feel better.

This disorder can be hell for both sufferers and supporters. When people are armed with the truth, they can make better decisions.

I’m not saying to give up. I’m not saying it’s hopeless. What I am saying is that you both have a long road ahead of you.

I am disagreeing with your statement that you are not putting any pressure or stress on him. I am merely stating that all relationships add stress, good stress, bad stress, both can overfill our stress cups.

The idea that there can be a stress-free relationship is a fallacy. This is just the nature of the disorder. I’m not saying to give up, all is hopeless. I’m just trying to explain some of the mechanics of what we deal with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everybody's PTSD is different. What works for you and makes you feel better isn't going to necessarily work for him.

It is not uncommon for some PTSD sufferers to isolate. It is a reaction to overwhelming stress. It may be par for the course with him. If it is, learning not to take it personally is going to go a long way if you want the relationship to work out.

 

[OrangeJulius]

More about the concept space: its not that you're not there for them....its more of waiting for him to tell you what he needs because it can be overwhelming for him if you're trying all these different ways to help. This took me years to figure out. I was constantly trying to "help" and I was setting myself up for failure because I can't help like I want to so it would add the stress of failing to my stress cup during his isolation. So, what I do now (well, TRY to do) is have no expectations. Isolation is HIS thing and I can't take it on for him. But, I can prevent stress from reaching him. So, I work in the background. I am messy, he is not...clutter stresses him...so I try to keep my junk out of his line of sight as much as I can. I do dishes more often. Doing basic things like eating can be hard...so I keep the pantry stocked with easy foods that he likes and if we are both around for a meal I offer to make him something. When he isolates he tends to not want to share meals with me so his answer is usually hes not hungry and then as soon as I'm done he goes and makes himself something or finishes off whatever I made for myself. Before I go to bed or leave the house or whatever, I ask him if there's anything I can do for him...there never is anything....but he at least knows I am still there for him and then I am immediately in bed or gone for a while so he doesn't feel like he has to engage with me. I stop texting and calling and telling him things about my day because he won't respond how I want him to and that will hurt me, so I just don't do it....or at least reduce it by like 90%. The longer the isolation goes, the more I have to disconnect from him and ignore him and do my own thing. I always feel bad...and he never seems to notice when I purposefully ignore him to protect my mental health. So, he won't feel like you're not there for him if you give him space. He's your roommate right now, not your boyfriend. That's just part of the deal.

 

[Survivor2018]

Hi, I think you’re reading more into my reply than intended.

People here tend to tell things...

Thanks for clarifying. I have PTSD and how I manage it is different for me then for someone else so seeking a new approach to navigating it is what I am trying to figure out, thank you for your advice.
I will give it a shot and try to maintain a healthy distance. I guess the situation is how do I maintain that while still being supportive?

 

[Survivor2018]

More about the concept space: its not that you're not there for them....its more of waiting for hi...

Thank for this explanation, I will try to incorporate this into my approach using what everyone has been so kind to explain to me. I go through similar things and I have gotten to a Zen place with it not letting it get to me when he doesn't respond and not calling and texting like before. After studying all the posts and responses I definitely agree the stress cup is full and he just doesn't have room for that so I am not doing it.
I am a very organized person and I just work around him and let him do his thing while showing I am still there. This whole thing has been such a whirlwind. It's like living with someone else, someone who isn't the same person.

 

[Survivor2018]

Everybody's PTSD is different. What works for you and makes you feel better isn't going to necessari...

I see that and reading everyone's posts on the subject has been helpful. The isolation is just something I am trying to learn to handle. It's hard to establish a healthy medium because when I am trying to give him space he gets worried and concerned but when I try to be in his world he is not present. So I am trying to see what the middle is until he decides what his next steps are and what's best for him.

 

[Freida]

when I try to be in his world he is not present.

Hubby describes it as me being "checked out." He can sit right next to me and it's like I don't see him. It's not that I don't want to see him. It's like everyone around me is just muffled - if that makes any sense. I'm not trying to hurt him, or ignore him. He just kind of ...disappears...from my line of site

 

[OrangeJulius]

It's like living with someone else, someone who isn't the same person.

Yes, it is. And it will continue to feel like that periodically.

Hubby describes it as me being "checked out." He can sit right next to me and it's like I don't see him. It's not that I don't want to see him. It's like everyone around me is just muffled - if that makes any sense. I'm not trying to hurt him, or ignore him. He just kind of ...disappears...from my line of site

@Freida, thank you for this insight. It was super helpful to me.

 

[Survivor2018]

Hi everyone,
First I want to say thank you for all of the advice, it has helped tremendously to assist me in better navigating this situation. So, it seems that his medication for the ptsd resulted in a rare side effect that gave him a seizure in his sleep, which is causing him to act differently. His withdrawn nature, lack of emotional responses and inability to talk without stuttering are side effects from it so they are investigating and planning their next steps. For the time being, he, myself and his family agree he needs to give himself time to finish out his lease and then settle in his own place with veterans housing. Veterans housing could take up to a year or more and we don't want to destabilize him with another move so we are just taking things one day at a time until the lease ends. I have been giving him much needed space for him and myself.
Despite all of this, since being taken off the medication that caused this dramatic shift in character, he has been affectionate with me. He has been wanting me to spend time with him at night and today, was the first time he said I love you without stuttering. I started crying; It's been hard because I can see he is still in there somewhere but I can't get to him. I'll always be supportive of him but this has been very hard, watching someone I care about who is my best friend just cease to be.
Freida your explanation of being checked out was spot on, that's exactly how it feels. It's like being a ghost in my own home, he can't hear me, see me or formulate any response.
I guess now the heavy lifting is on me and how I deal with it so I don't take things so personally when it comes to his illogical thought processes and responses. That's been tough, we used to be a team. We worked together and we were best friends and everything we did we were on the same page and its gone. I was reading a book by Whitley streiber and he says "grieveing is love in another form". Maybe that's why I'm so sad.

 

[anon1234]

It was super helpful to me.

@Freida - for me too. I want to thank everyone who posts on these forums, and shares their stories and experiences. It has helped me and my relationship so thoroughly I don't know what I would do without this community. I come here when times are tough, feel solidarity, go through the heartbreak with you all, and soak up all the insights. Everything that people like Frieda, @OrangeJulius and @EveHarrington say is so knowledgable and truthful. Maybe you should consider writing a book for supporters. Freida, thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone and for starting that thread a while back about PTSD relationships from the sufferers perspective. It SAVED my relationship. Saved it. I mean it.

@Survivor2018 - I wish you and your partner all the best as you navigate through this difficult chapter.

 

[Freida]

Freida, thank you for steppng out of your comfort zone and for starting that thread a while back about PTSD relationships from the sufferers perspective.

You are very welcome -- and believe me I learned so much from that thread too! All the things I had no idea I was doing -- and their impact on my supporters.....it was wild. that thread got me to open the door to my feelings just a bit with my sisters and one of them cried because until then it hadn't even dawned on me they might want to know more about my stupid problems.
She said --- do you realize this is the first time you've ever been honest with us about anything to do with your ptsd?
Nope - I didn't have a clue.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Freida Thank you for sharing. As a supporter, all I have ever wanted was to walk the path with my wife who suffers from PTSD. Your insight helps me to do that. :hug: