Seeking Support For Pre-holidays And Holidays

[Seasounds]

November and December are my most difficult months, due to our culture's (United States) focus on 'family'. My family of origin was too toxic, and due to PTSD-related dynamics, I haven't created my own family. I have a couple of friends, who make time for me. During the holidays and with my family-at any time, were when significant pieces my early trauma occurred.

I've been through this triggering cycle for decades. Unfortunately, it was complicated by my younger brother's suicide. Professional help and medications help. I'm wanting to build my resilience tools, so I can stay afloat while I hear or see the triggering word 'family' , in work and casual conversations, advertisements, holiday dwcorations, and in television and radio specials.

Questions:
1. Does anyone else experience this?
2. Would anyone allow personal conversations during this time?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I would welcome personal conversations during this time. It is a hard time for me too. I am so sorry about your younger brother, that makes things so much harder. I have tried to make things different for my son, and I have succeeded, but I have a lot of trauma from around the holidays, and I haven't brought it up in therapy yet.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I completely understand the feelings you have around the holidays. I used to verbalize my feelings (as in "I hate the holidays) then happened upon the suggestion that the more I verbalized that feeling, the more I felt it. So, last year, I vowed not to say it, and it was better, even though my dad had just passed away on Dec.8th.

Because of my faith, I wanted to honor the meaning of Christmas. Honestly, I don't remember much about it, except the fact that I did not say "I hate Christmas". I was able to visit my son and his new family, as his little girl was born Oct. 28th. They lived about 3 hours away at that time. It helped a lot, being able to see, hold, and be with my granddaughter, but the drive home took me approximately 2 extra hours. I had to keep stopping to let my tears flow. I was blessed with the memory that dad got to hold his 9th great-grandchild before he passed.

The holidays had already been painful for 19 years, due to my daughter's passing on Nov. 18th, 1993. Slowly, I had gotten so I didn't feel so empty during the holidays, mostly because I have been my parents' caretaker since 2004, and live close to my nieces, and their children.

My 't' over the years, has had many suggestions about how to deal with the holidays. I used to dread them from August, all the way to January 1st, when I feel a 'new start' has come. That dread, is back, but I will try to make a point of seeing the children in the family, and not thing too much about the dates. I guess my outlook during the holidays would be described by the attitude of "grin and bear it" and "this too shall pass". Thankfully, the calendar always proves it.

Now, on to your specific question. (((Change))) My thoughts are...maybe you could create your own way of honoring your brother, although I don't know if you were close or not. I am so sorry that he was in so much pain, and felt the only way to heal was to take his own life.

Maybe setting up a little area in your home that is comforting, like a candle (I use the 'fake' ones, I fear fire) some angels, if that fits in with your faith beliefs, and some Christmas 'pretties'.

Do you have a pet? They can be very comforting, if you are able to have them. You might also consider volunteering at a 'food kitchen' where people who are homeless, or have no family, get together for a meal and conversation. Also, maybe you could volunteer at a women's shelter, where there are probably children. Giving to others from our hearts can ease the pain of the holidays.

I wish I could think of more...all of this is just off the 'top of my head'. I will continue to think about it, and come back if I think of some other ways I have coped. I've sent many helium balloons up to honor my daughter, in attempting to 'let go' of the pain the holidays bring.

I hope it helps to know that you are understood, and not alone in your feelings, and dread of this time of year.

Blessings & Prayers sent your way!

 

[rightkindofme]

Holidays are rough. For Thanksgiving I like to participate in "orphan" dinners. Some years I host and some years I go visit friends. It took a long time to develop good enough friendships but I appreciate not being alone on Thanksgiving. They are all people who know my "story" so things aren't too awkward.

Christmas is a lot harder. I have kids so it is different. When I was single I would hide in my closet and cry through Christmas. Now... that isn't appropriate.

I have decided that everyone gets to make their own Christmas rules. Rule #1 (for me) we don't open presents from people who aren't in the room on Christmas Day. If I'm not f*cking special enough to you for you to make the trip then you can participate in the spirit of the holiday and stay the hell out of my Christmas Day. That keeps the number of presents under the tree manageable. I do four gifts per person. Due to having small children and a husband who is bad at gift giving (he has other traits that balance this) I more or less just go buy 16 gifts, one for each of the four people living here. I wish someone else bought me presents but they don't and I'm not going to be f*cking left out of the tree. :(

We each get: something to wear (almost always pajamas opened on Christmas Eve--I'm a jammy person and this is the only time I buy them so this is exciting for me), something to read, something you want, and something you need.

I think of Christmas as being when I replenish my stock for the year of pampering stuff. That's when I buy fancy lotions and skin scrubs. That is when I get new underwear and socks. I save up and supply myself with slightly spiffier stuff than I would if I went shopping randomly during the year. For Christmas I get scented lotion. The rest of the year I use whatever cheap schtuff.

Even if it doesn't feel like anyone else cares about me being alive I am. (I am really far from Christianity in terms of spirituality. Not sure if I am an atheist or just a theist.) I look at the larger meaning of the dying time of year. Winter is about letting things go. I always drop a lot of bad habits and just stay home in the winter. I reexamine myself and see what changed over the last year of growth.

I set new goals for the next year. Not resolutions. Fie on resolutions. More like, "I know I want to write a book about _____. I think next year is the year to do that." "My bucket list says, 'run a marathon' ok I'll do it next year." That kind of thing. I've done everything I set. I spend the last two weeks of December figuring out exactly how much work accomplishing that goal will take and then I schedule it out over the next year and I put it in my calendar and that's that. I just move forward following my calendar.

I'm not religious so this is all pretty mellow for me. I think about how just about every religion talks about the dying time. The time of wishing for new life. You don't appreciate what you have without seeing the contrast.

I've had a lot of bad years. I appreciate that taking myself out of the abusive situations has allowed my life to get better year by year. I'm glad for that time of reflection. I try to avoid people. I show up briefly and deliver cookies (because sugar is love! [I can do gluten free, dairy free, egg free, chocolate free, sugar free, ... whatever people need]) and then say "I will see you next year!" That is one of the ways I continue to not kill myself. I make all these promises that I WILL see someone again. I don't want to break my promises. I'm trying to box myself in such that I have no choice but to wait for an accidental death.

Christmas is hard. I cry a lot. I take a lot of long baths and I reread comfort books and I try to exercise and I eat any-forking-thing I want. :)

I get through the holidays each year mostly by thinking, "This is not the day I will die."

 

[The Albatross]

I did better this last year during my difficult period (October through January) because I had a plan. I stuck to it, and I got through it without too much rumination and very little down cycling. I worked the holidays, I read inspirational reading every day, I set some goals and I did a self care check list to focus on. It worked. I'm already changing over to my new inspirational reading now and am breaking the ice with some small challenges before October comes. I relate though to difficult periods, toxic and/or dysfunctional family, and the holidays.

A lot of the time, my focus now is more general, like community service when I'm not scheduled to work. I do better when I've got activities in play to stay focused on and then just keep waiting for the calendar to slide past January.

 

[Seasounds]

All of your suggestions have helped me with ideas that I can put into action. Great support! :)

 

[Barberian]

"The Holidays" are pretty much a non-event for me. I had an alcoholic stepfather from around my age of around 11-16 who every holiday season and the "Big" holidays for the rest of the year would binge drink from a few days to a few weeks in advance, totally ruining the holiday (and season) every year.

I don't look to the calendar for "special" days, I try to pick a day every now and then and just do something special either for me, the wife or when my son was home, for the family. Why celebrate Christmas on Dec 25th only? Who is POSITIVE that is the day to celebrate it on? Maybe it was Dec 23rd, or Jan 10th. We are only guessing. Christmas of today isn't what it is supposed to be about anyway. It's not about how much I can get from others or impress them with how much I can give to others. I'm not getting into specifics out of respect for other religions.

Relax. Even if your "family" is a cat and/or a potted plant, you don't have to have a traditional family of one dad, one mom, and 2.5 kids to be happy (I feel sorry for the .5 kid...lol). Happiness is accepting what you have, not having everything everyone around you has.

My wife is a big holiday fan, and grew up in an even more dysfunctional family. She overcompensates to try and "fix" her present, by ignoring her past. This often leads to some friction, but we've been working it out for over 20 yrs now.

My 2 copper.

 

[Tinyflame]

Change, yes I do understand, for me I love Christmas, and so many things about it, but 'family' is a horrendous trigger, I can't really explain it, and I've been struggling and grasping for many years as to exactly what 'home' is- a goal, a 'feeling', a 'presence', a safe place?, Idk. Anyway, I work essential services so usually I work Christmas but this year I am off. My birthday follows, and then New Years, so it's kind of strange. My mom got diagnosed before Christmas, Christmas when there is drinking or fighting etc becomes triggering, I had been a caregiver for years but even then due to their illness(es) I've basically spent Christmas on my own last few years.

I would definitely appreciate any suggestions or understanding of circumventing the 'family' trigger(s). I try to ignore it but I guess it is triggering or saddening.

But I find beauty when the snow sparkles, or the twinkle or tiny sound of a little angel ornament, or a Christmas song, or beautiful lights. Peace. I think of the '1st Cjristmas' being very scary/ difficult, that helps me feel differently about it.

I am glad these others' suggestions might help, and if I think of something I will come back. You're definitely not alone though. :hug:

Best wishes.

 

[Seasounds]

Ah, so nice to know that I am not alone.:)

Barbarian, your suggestions of intentionally bringing my own focus of joy, to any day, to anything was helpful. And that, like you, I may find a way to get through the holidays. By pointing out that my family could be a cat or potted plant, you got me to laugh at a sad subject. Nice! Guess you could say my family is my cellphone, and a teacher from graduate school (now in his 80's), whom I visit once a month. I will make a couple of visits with him. Life is so much better now that my family of origin is behind me. 'Keep moving forward', is the message I got from your persevering spirit.

Junebug, your writing was so empathetic that I shed a tear of relief. Pretending family isn't a trigger, doesn't help. Thanks for the reminders that clear, cold, snowy,and sunny weather helps, and bringing my attention to beautiful aspects, like pretty lights, is something I enjoy. If I discover more new ideas, I'll share them too!

 

[xtcgo2]

I find it interesting that most of these replies talk about "family"! No family IS NOT a potted plant or a cell phone. I'm sorry, it's not appreciating the snow either. Let's please not be so trite. The best comment I read had to do with helping the homeless. Most homeless people have absolutely no family. Any humanitarian service that has meaning for you, could prove very important in helping you cope. You could perhaps make "new traditions" for yourself in this way. Keep the TV off. Reconcile that most people have some sort of family in their life and just pass it off as par for the course. I've had 2 suicides and have no family at all. Not a plant, not a cat. That's no replacement for human closeness. Try to seek people out who can truly understand.

 

[Tinyflame]

No offence intended xtcgo2, I hope you didn't take it that way, I realize what you mean. In fact, for many years I did much at Christmas for others (when I could), 100's of children each Christmas and it made my Christmas. It really was a loss for me of the meaning and pleasure of Christmas for me to not be able to continue doing it.

That being said, all my life I've tried to give, and give every day in my job, but it doesn't reduce my trauma, or more specifically the impact of some triggers. Even with the best of attitude.

However, once, someone pointed out to me the beauty and peace- intangibles- of sparkling snow. It was in response to preventing someone else's suicide. It helped pull me through. Just me, personally. I'm not sure if I'd be here without having read it. But thanks for saying what you did, because I lost the response the person printed but it included (with the snow) that "depression is a liar".

Trauma can be difficult, no matter how altruistic we are, or how much we reach out to and for others. Many of us were always told to 'buck up', perhaps there is a happy medium to acknowledge the pain AND do something constructive with it (as you've suggested, or in another way, internally?), if that makes sense? I don't think the responses were meant to make light of it or to whine, not how I took any of the responses, anyway.

In fact, I think your advice is very good xtcgo2. Just somewhere, perhaps we need to grieve certain things, process others, make the best of the rest, and recognize what we do have. Going without saying it's recognizing others' needs, as well.

 

[Barberian]

xtcgo2, why the hostility and putting others opinions down. As you said not everyone has family, and no there is no replacement for a functional family. Many of us here do not/did not have a functional family to really miss. I'll try my best to keep this first person and own my statements. I did not have a very functional family growing up and don't miss them. Why should I miss something I never really had? Why not be happy with what I DO have, and CAN attain? I and many others here can not be around people, and unfortunately the homeless can be very intimidating to many.

I myself have been homeless before I joined the navy. I have volunteered to help the elderly, the Special Olympics, and the homeless (prior to PTSD). I am unable to do this anymore because of... wait for it.... wait for it.... .wait for it.... PTSD, and the anxiety that comes with it for me.

I did enjoy a relatively normal adulthood with my wife and son. Then I retired from the navy, spent 3 yrs as a truck driver. Then my PTSD went full bloom from my time in service, and I once again can't enjoy the holidays.

I have PTSD, of which severe generalized and social anxiety are a STRONG part. I do not enjoy family gatherings. I do not enjoy for that matter being with more than two other people at a time in general, preferably only one other person at the most.

If other's ideas are not palatable for you, so be it, but please don't put me and others who are in similar situations down, and try to force us to live up to YOUR expectations of family.

If I want to sing Christmas songs to my cat, and it makes me happy, who are you to say it is bad because a cat isn't family in your opinion?