Seeking Support For Pre-holidays And Holidays

[Seasounds]

Xtcgo2, Thank you for your words. My learning from them, is that I may need to explain my perspective. I was not, in any way, meaning to be trite. I long for family and have not had the coping skills to be near people and handle conflict. Flashbacks can occur when I am with group, or with individuals. I practice being in groups, therapeutic and social. I couldn't stay best friend's wedding for more than one hour, twenty years ago. Now, if with a friend, I can stay two or three hours, as long as I can get up and move.

With my frame of reference, you might understand how a cell phone and a plant are important stepping stones to being connected to humans. I was brutally beaten, as a child, repeatedly, in my home. Up unto today, I have difficulty moving and touching things in my own home. I have great difficulty housekeeping, even though I thrive in a simple, clean environment. Watering a plant is a big deal, they use to die, and talking on the phone is a big deal, as for years I wouldn't touch the phone. Years of trauma and movement therapy, I can touch plants and my phone. So what appeared trite, was appreciating my growth.

In terms of forward movement, I am happy to be a member of PTSD Forum, to practice relational skills, and, with the distance of safety, develop relationships, while being a welcomed member of a community. In this process, I never have the intention to be devalue human relationships. It is still my hope to be loved by a partner, and have the skills to construct a peaceful and safe relationship with him. A rather youthful dream, for someone middle-aged.

 

[DMerish]

I would definitely appreciate any suggestions or understanding of circumventing the 'family' trigger(s). I try to ignore it but I guess it is triggering or saddening.

Change, you are definitely not "alone" -

I have fond memories of the holidays when I was a child and I used to love the holiday season. For many years I tried to reproduce the warm feelings, the joy, the togetherness with friends and family, and folks I didn't know or were only slightly acquainted with through volunteer work, which I participated in with my own children. And one could say some years were successful and enjoyable, albeit they were still stressful for me.

I've never been keen on the commercialization of the holiday season, the crowds, and extra traffic. And lucky for me, neither have my (grown) children. We'd much rather plan a family hike and an overnight stay all together in an A-frame in the woods. And we give each other surprise gifts throughout the year.

Last year hosted several new traumas, so I made my decision back then that this year I'm taking a vacation. I need one and deserve one. My family and my few close friends will be fine. Who knows? I may just make taking a vacation and de-stressing from it all new winter-time habit :D

 

[franciemarnie]

I am available for support too. Christmas was once great joy to me. Then for years more like the part of It's A Wonderful Life when Jimmy Stewart is thinking of jumping off a bridge!

Life is good for me now but boy did I get triggered bad last Christmas in response to my only sibling, my brother. Major pain for a couple months afterwards.

Since feeling my younger selves within more, I look forward in part to the music (Vince Guaraldi!), etc. but am not sure how or if I'll deal with seeing bro and fam.

For darn sure, you're not alone in this.

 

[rightkindofme]

My mom used Christmas as a way of trying to buy our love after being a bad mother all year. It feels like a huge pile of presents is the same thing as an admission of abuse.

 

[mamachick]

You are not alone. Generally over the holidays, the crisis unit psych wards are at an all time full capacity. I use to love Christmas when my kids were little and I made traditions. They are grown and not around and am seperated and dysfuntional siblings that I want no part of. I dont know, maybe we have to re-focus on the meaning of family , festivities, etc and start a new tradition that suits us best. I get depressed to. Not looking forward.....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you ever considered taking on the "screw you, world!!" sort of attitude? After having a mother who would actively ruin holidays by refusing participation (at best), to being maliciously cruel (at worst), I refused to let the feelings of anyone around me govern my holiday celebrations.

I choose to celebrate holidays (any of them, not just THE holidays) in whatever way I please. So many people say they don't like XYZ aspect of the holidays and that's why they dread them, but really, you have a choice on whether to buy into those aspects.

I understand that it's hard, but my point is that you should focus on what you do have instead of what you don't; focus on creating a safe and special place for yourself while the outside world is wrapped up in materialistic crap (and the like); focus on creating traditions of your own, even if its just doing something special for yourself.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, because they are. I just hope you can get through the holidays without wanting to fall asleep the day after Halloween and praying to wake up New Year's Day!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear change, though I'm so sorry for what you have experienced, I think that's a great breakthrough to recognize all of that, and to have such courage to say it, too.

There are many good suggestions! :tup:

I agree totally, whether it's a 'small' thing (like watering the plant, or what a phone represents), they are HUGE. I believe the small things make all of the difference, (and are sometimes even the hardest) but those 'baby steps' ARE huge, not small.

I think what 'helps' me about appreciating (noticing) the 'small' things are that it very much grounds me, I am recognizing (and applying) being in the momkent. And I can say, the moment is good. The same reason or feeling when we are fighting for every moment (like our health), the appreciation of what is there, we can 'see' it. :) :tup:

For just me personally, I have to 'de-stress' or wind-down to enjoy much, or feel some peace. If I throw myself in to 'busy-ness' I will surely be distracted, but I will go too far and deplete myself in every way. And pay for it later.

Here, they call it a 'staycation', when one cannot go away on holidays. I call it a 'daycation', to try to incorporate some rational, peaceful, happy, loving, stress-reducing thing in to each day. :)

Whatever brings you peace, and a feeling of love/ safety/ security/hope. May you have much, at every time of year. :) :hug: