Relationship Seems like Cptsd avoidance

[Intlkwn]

My (technically ex) GF and I had this incredible connection in the beginning, she was by my side after my depression of the loss of my mother to getting me into treatment and now I am healthy and sober again.

She seems to have abandonment issues from her mother from childhood, Severe SA from her first high school relationship, and DV/SA in an 15 year relationship by her alcoholic ex for 12 of those years.

Our relationship moved a little faster than I wanted from start. She was love/sex bombing in the beginning of the relationship so much so I told her to take it slow, wanted me to spend the night every night and I would only a couple times a week. I ended up seeing how she treated me and gave me the independence and was never jealous. This woman became the love of my life. No serious fights other than normal and we always worked them out. All of our interests align as well.

Then one day, her son came home from visitation with the 15 year ex and wanted to go to his family party. That’s when the trigger happened. She told me we needed to slow things down, I didn’t understand as she doesn’t even realize that she may have CPTSD. As the weeks approached Xmas, she grew more and more distant, less text, not wanting to make plans, 2 min phone calls.

I have treated her with respect and support the whole time and encourage her that she is worth the wait. I didn’t not know she would need weeks of space at a time as I was unfamiliar with this condition, so she became more and more distant.

She then broke things off with me last week after I text her that I would stop by to see my dog I hadn’t seen in days that she was watching while my dad was in town (his dogs don’t get along with mine). She didn’t reply, she was supposed to be at work. She then told me I broke her boundaries and broke up with me. Also I want to add she wanted to marry this man and every year he would get her a blow pop ring as a joke… on Friday he got engaged to the woman he cheated on her with. (Assuming a new trigger)

We have had a conversation that she is not ready for a relationship but is willing to resume once she is ready and she kissed me and told me she loves me. How long can these episodes last?

I myself am going to a therapist and will be as patient as I can for this dream girl. I just would like some clarity as to what I’m about to endure?

TIA

 

[Weemie]

I didn’t understand as she doesn’t even realize that she may have CPTSD.

So she didn't tell you she has PTSD, you just assumed as much from her history of abuse? You actually don't know, so I would recommend not prescribing her behavior as such. You don't know if she has PTSD, or if she just decided her heart isn't in the relationship anymore, or she may have something personal going on that you don't know about, or she could be genuinely stressed from the actual stressors happening to her. Or any number of things.

 

[Intlkwn]

So she didn't tell you she has PTSD, you just assumed as much from her history of abuse? You actually don't know, so I would recommend not prescribing her behavior as such. You don't know if she has PTSD, or if she just decided her heart isn't in the relationship anymore, or she may have something personal going on that you don't know about, or she could be genuinely stressed from the actual stressors happening to her. Or any number of things.

She hasn’t been told if she does or doesn’t but the shift from showering me with love and time with her to absolute coldness and distance. I’m not assuming she does. She used to call and text all day long then one day she completely stopped all of it. She did tell me she was triggered by that event. I can say with confidence I know I didn’t cause this as she has told me so. But I am at a loss as to see if that woman I honestly wanted to marry will surface again.

 

[Sideways]

But I am at a loss as to see if that woman I honestly wanted to marry will surface again.

No one here can tell you - even if she has ptsd. It could go either way.

But if she has ptsd, and if isolating herself is a coping strategy she uses to cope with her symptoms, then she’s very likely to use that strategy again and again.

 

[Intlkwn]

No one here can tell you - even if she has ptsd. It could go either way.

But if she has ptsd, and if isolating herself is a coping strategy she uses to cope with her symptoms, then she’s very likely to use that strategy again and again.

Thank you, yeah of course I am not sure, all I can do is give her the space she needs for now and see where we are down the road… this woman is absolutely worth it!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

We have had a conversation that she is not ready for a relationship but is willing to resume once she is ready and she kissed me and told me she loves me. How long can these episodes last?

I myself am going to a therapist and will be as patient as I can for this dream girl. I just would like some clarity as to what I’m about to endure

Brilliant question-would like to see what answers and advice presents.

have treated her with respect and support the whole time and encourage her that she is worth the wait. I didn’t not know she would need weeks of space at a time as I was unfamiliar with this condition, so she became more and more distant.

I feel for you - it is painful -you are so patient and sound like a nice person .Heard a very similar story - she was a girl in her twenties ended it two weeks before the wedding .Everything was perfect. Not diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD but possible.
"Unfamiliar with this condition" -true.
Also, it catches you off- guard. You may have felt blind-sided.
She Played the field ,had space and she came back to him eighteen months later - how long is a piece of string?

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

but the shift from showering me with love and time with her to absolute coldness and distance.

Curious - I wonder if anyone can identify this "shift" of hot and cold ,close and distance- is commonplace with CPTSD,PTSD,BPD ,Depression or just ratty behaviour.
So as to avoid sabotaging a relationship of value and with potential, which CAN be worked through - it is important to be able to differentiate between legit and genuine symptoms of mental injury or illness (respectfully) and jerk type sh*tty behaviour, a total disrespect, or a game of hide and seek being played - any ideas on how to tell the difference? Got to admit it can be interpreted OR misinterpreted as any of the above.

need weeks of space at a time as I was unfamiliar with this condition,

This.

How long can these episodes last?

This IMO is like asking how long is a piece of string?
Speaking from experience - its unpredictable- and unfair to the one on the receiving end.

The other party HAS a choice. If she thinks YOU are worth it - she will make every effort ( to stick around).

The pressure you place on yourself to TRUST her during these times of absence or space she desires or disappearance is huge.