General Selective Isolation By PTSD Sufferer

[ashmarie]

Maybe someone can help me to understand, but I am new to being a carer of somebody suffering from PTSD, I have done lots of research and found this forum which has been a great help and I have seen that it is not uncommon for a PTSD sufferer to push away the person they are romantically involved with. I had recently started dating a man and things were lovely and wonderful and then suddenly they were just weird.

After a particularly bad night, he finally opened up and explained to me he suffers from PTSD; and with everything that was going on in his life at the time, I was not surprised that it was having an especially bad effect on him. He began distancing himself from me. We went from seeing each other everyday, him just sitting with me while I did my homework, constant text messages when we were not around each other, spending almost every night together to progressively seeing each other less, staying in more, texting once or twice a day to now only talking at work, he will not respond when I call or text (unless it has to do with work), we do not hang out, essentially, it is like we are not together anymore. We have talked about it because it really bothered me, I really just thought he was using it as an excuse to no longer see me but not have to actually be a man and break up with me. He explained he DOES want to be with me he is just having a tough time now and needs to get through it on his own. I understand that and it helped me through this for a little while.

I want him to get better so I am giving him his space, but as time goes (we are at about 2 months now), it seems to be getting harder. There are times I want/need him to be there for me and he can’t and I understood that for a while, but then one day, he went out with his brother’s girlfriend because his brother was out of town and she wanted to hang out with someone. I am wondering if someone can answer for me the mindset and if it is normal for a PTSD sufferer to take care of his friends and brother’s girlfriend but can’t take care of his own (essentially) “girlfriend”. I really just want to understand better.

PS- He also just likes to deal with stuff by himself, doesn’t want anyone to help him with anything, so I am trying to figure out how to suggest he see a professional without it seeming pushy or like I don’t think he can handle it.

Sorry for being kind of lengthy and thank you to anyone who took the time to read it. Any response would be greatly appreciated. J

 

[Deleted member 541]

To answer your question....Yes, it can be easier to be with his brothers girlfriend, because there are no expectations from her. It's just hanging out together. Where as with you, there will be expectations, because of the type of relationship that you have shared with him, and he with you....These will put added stress onto him, so he avoids.....

I hope that you have read enough here to know that his PTSD, will never go away. It is life long. Many will get *better* with treatment, meds, therapy and a ton of personal work on their trauma, but will have times when things aren't so great. And getting better, first may mean getting a lot sicker....

These are things that you might want to consider if you plan on staying for the long haul, as PTSD isn't easy to deal with.....

 

[Some1sAngel]

I Feel Your Pain ..

You are not alone. I, too have been going thru this and still am. This forum provides you with a better insight into the PTSD world that can help you better understand his behavior.

I know that you are probably hurting, thinking that he isn't interested in you anymore, and upset he has time for others and not you.

I don't know why they do this but just like She Cat said:

To answer your question....Yes, it can be easier to be with his brothers girlfriend, because there are no expectations from her. It's just hanging out together. Where as with you, there will be expectations, because of the type of relationship that you have shared with him, and he with you....These will put added stress onto him, so he avoids.....

That, right there, should give you some kind of insight to his behavior as it did for me when I read it.

Stay strong. For PTSD is a roller coaster for us carers as it is for the sufferer.

 

[cyanide]

You're not alone and reading about other's experiences makes me realize that I'm not alone either!

When he is left alone, he's not only going through healing, but he is also analyzing his behaviour and how it affects you. He knows he doesn't want to "push you" away, but if he can't help himself at the moment, how can he help you? It's definitely an isolating experience, but do know that he is trying even though it might not appear so. It's frustrating to not get responses, but it's frustrating to him to not be able to respond. A lot of independence and self-strength on both parts are needed for now, but with the right ingredients of love, support and empathy, things will improve over time.

 

[ashmarie]

Thank you all so much for your responses, as you have said it creates a little more ease to know I am not the only one feeling this way which is why I am so glad for this forum!! She Cat, thank you so much, that really does help me to understand and yes I do know it will never go away but I do know it can be as you put it "better" with time and often outside help (whether that be therapy or meds...)

I am willing to at least attempt the long haul, that is why I came here seeking others experiencing the same things and to understand better for both myself and for him. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and push me away but some things he does makes it feel like he just doesn't care.

But a very promising piece of info that made my entire week for anyone who is interested or in the same boat and looking for hope... was he actually text me just to open up and say hi yesterday and we talked on the phone for 2 hours (he called me!) so I am really hoping that that is a sign that he is beginning to push back the demons in his mind for the time being.

So cyanide and some1'sangel, you said you are experiencing this as well, let this help us know there is hope for improvement :)

 

[cyanide]

I know he doesn't want to hurt me and push me away but some things he does makes it feel like he just doesn't care.

The appearing that he doesn't care is probably one of the most frustrating illusions. He does care, but when someone is feeling hopeless and inadequate, it is hard to express care. He wants to, but he is unable to, and he needs to work through it. When he sheds away his self doubt and fears, that is when he is able to open up (as he did by texting and calling you).

A sweet forum member told me that it is harder to feel lovable (with PTSD), but it's easier to feel unlovable because it re-affirms the belief of being "damaged." While respecting his space, if you keep showing that you are there even if he doesn't respond or show that he cares, it helps chip away his self-doubt and fears. He might be thinking, "I don't feel lovable, but there is someone who does. I need to find what is lovable about myself when I can only see what is unlovable about myself."

For him to call you and text you may seem small to a carer, but it is actually huge. It's his attempt of acknowledging you by showing he misses you and cares about you.

Thank you for sharing the news, as it does give me hope and perseverance.

 

[ashmarie]

Wow! everytime I get on here, I get some great new insight or something that makes me just a little stronger to handle all of this, for that I thank each and every person that posts something (both carers and sufferers)! Cyanide, thank you for your words about why he does things that make it feel like he doesn't care; also thank you for sharing what the other forum member had told you about him feeling unlovable vs. loveable. It broke my heart to think that he is there thinking he is unlovable and damaged because he is so not; I only hope I can help him (without overwhelming him) to know he is lovable and to not feel like he is damaged!

I know that is HUGE for a sufferer and I was so happy when it happened. I was also so excited to share, because not only is it helpful and necessary to vent and share the struggles of this condition, but also to share the success stories. I am glad it has given you hope and perseverance as well, that is what this forum is here for! I would LOVE to hear of any one elses success or even seemingly small (but actually huge) victories over this condition! It is helpful to us all to know people DO get through this!

 

[Andre]

This is a bitter-sweet thread topic for me. I'm of course a (mild) sufferer, and I'm trying to become more a carer trying to absorb some of the knowledge of real carers for the sake of the sweetest girl I've ever known. This damned disease is incredibly hard on both sides in a relationship. It seems like I've struggled more with how to care for her and not hurt her than I have dealing with my own ptsd. I've got experience with the one, but this newer part is about to knock me out.

 

[ashmarie]

Wow Andre, that is really great of you to be trying to put yourself in the shoes of a carer and trying so desperately not to hurt her!! and I wish you all the best and she is so lucky to have someone that is trying to learn all that you can to keep it from happening that alone is a wonderful start!
You said,

"It seems like I've struggled more with how to care for her not hurt her than I have dealing with my own ptsd."

As awesome as it is that you are trying so hard to keep her from getting hurt, you also have to keep in mind you need to deal with your PTSD as well, not just keep her from experiencing the effects, because you can only keep it inside for so long before it just creeps up and is bad enough to the point you can't do anything to keep from hurting her. and at that point it becomes like cyanide told me, "if you can't help yourself, how can you help her?"

I definately encourage you to keep looking at and familiarizing yourself with the carers section of this forum, but be sure to help yourself through this as well!

best of luck to you!!!

 

[MELGI]

~Thank you to all for some insight, I am very much in AshMarie shoes as well; after 3 months of
the relationship I have always dreamed of PTSD attacks.

Thank you!!

 

[Thankful]

The appearing that he doesn't care is probably one of the most frustrating illusions. He does care, but when someone is feeling hopeless and inadequate, it is hard to express care. He wants to, but he is unable to, and he needs to work through it. When he sheds away his self doubt and fears, that is when he is able to open up (as he did by texting and calling you).

....For him to call you and text you may seem small to a carer, but it is actually huge. It's his attempt of acknowledging you by showing he misses you and cares about you.

Thank you so much for this! Your post really spoke to me, and the thread I posted today. My Sufferer also finally contacted me today and with two words to say, it was weird, or so it seemed. But as you wrote above, it is his attempt to acknowledge me. I did think that sort of thing when he called, it's just so sad that he can only bare to say a couple words, literally.

Thanks again for your post!!

 

[blackemerald1]

Dear Ashmarie, hi - well what an complex situation. I am a PTSD sufferer who is a master at isolating myself.....from everyone. I had close friends who either gave up on me due to my symptoms or, I gave up on them because I could not stand being around people and the over stimulation. In relation to my isolation, I have to be away from everyone in a darkended room with no noise or stimulation of any type and I can go for days and days in this state till I emerge. I am married but the relationship is hanging by a whisker. I also have many other PTSD symptoms so I feel I can make some suggestions for you to consider. My husband has told me as well as my doctor about my behaviour, so I do have my carers tell me how I have behaved with PTSD. I might be right off the track, if you think I am, then this is just food for thought and I apologise in advance.

I am perplexed as you are except, it is possible to have selective isolation. He may have a small and very tight group of other PTSD sufferers or understanding friends and family who can and do understand his condition. You don't say how long the relationship with this man has been but, if it is relatively young then the key into his circle of friends is going to be a rough ride, no matter how hard you try. Also, keep in mind his circle of friends may also influence his behaviour, as he may trust them more than anything else in his life. He may feel safe with this circle of friends and unfortunately to have this relationship might mean you must jump through loops of fire to get your ticket into his circle. He could be confused about his feelings for you, perhaps wanting to have a relationship with you but thereby, having to open up to you his painful condition, PTSD. You and I are not mental health professionals so it is impossible to do anything but look at and consider his words and behaviour.

He has told you has PTSD this leads me to believe that at some time he was professionally diagnosed, which means there is a doctor or the like, floating around in his past. He may have become disallusioned with professional help and dumped that idea. So, trying to steer him towards this may irritate him and have a bounce back effect, where he believes you don't know enough to understand. And just for the record, he could have been diagnosed by a professional and then had the unfortunate experience of being treated incorrectly or in his opinion was of no help.Another issue is how long has he had PTSD, this can have a significant impact on how he responds to allowing people into his real life, the one with PTSD in it.

There is also the issue of how did he get PTSD in the first place, has he told you and if not, why not? Of course, just telling you he has PTSD is a huge thing to disclose, so the event behind it might be huge too. Another loop of fire to jump through perhaps for both of you. Disclosure of how one gets PTSD can be incredibly hard to, all but impossible and sure to be a big emotional disclosure for him. Things that you have no notion of, may be triggering him into isolation or selective isolation. He may run to those he knows will keep him safe and understand.

However, you also say he is very firm about being independant, "...He also just likes to deal with stuff by himself, doesn’t want anyone to help him with anything...." So here again you have a complicated and complex situation. Your desire to help him is great, but in the end he must want to help himself and no amount of trying on your behalf will turn him to professional help or any other kind of assistance if he does not want to do it. Please remember he is still an adult male and he has to embrace his condition and have the will to work towards controlling his PTSD.

In terms of him verbalising his independance, respect that and do not do things that he prefers to do himself. It takes a lot of trial and error to understandwhere the boundaries and perils of someone with PTSD lay. As a carer, even at this stage of your relationship, you are probably already experiencing the perils and I hope you can navigate it with him to a great relationship. Trust is a litttle word with enormous meaning for people with PTSD. Perhaps, with more time, he will come to trust you at the level he needs and all your questions will be answered and understanding of his PTSD will be easier.

If you ask him why he spends time with others but not you, but still wants a relationship that has spiralled downward to 'remote' contact via text and telephone calls which have also slowed down, I think you have the right to ask him what sort of relationship does he want, PTSD and all? Be careful that you really listen to his answer because clearly the 'relationship' as it stands, for you, is not satisfactory. Remember, its not all about him. It's about both of you and learning about each other.

In regard to taking out his brothers girlfriend, without sounding silly, think on the positive side. Have you ever had a relative or friend ask you to do something that you really would rather not do, but you have this long relationship, as in his case, his brother asked him to step in for him and if you have any further doubts about that occasion, handle it simply and ask him. He will probably tell you it was unavoidable for some reason, but ask him. You might be surprised by his kindness in helping out his brother and girlfriend.

You mentioned vaguely there were other issues going on around this situation but did not clarify what they are or where they are coming from. I guess you have to decide if those happenings are sufficient to justify this 'distancing' you are experiencing. Just be careful that you don't justify everything on his PTSD, he is also an adult male and therefore, he has a responsibility towards the relationship too.I

In my opinion, unfortunately he may be using the isolation symptom either consciously or unconsciously and step by step, despite his statement that he wants a relationship with you, to slowly distance himself from you and it is working. Is this a possibility? If you take a step back, can you see from where the relationship started to where it is now?

Have you considered that a life with someone who has PTSD is to varying degrees very difficult. Every day is different and you may already be experiencing the beginnings of a relationship with someone with PTSD. I am not saying it is impossible, many people succeed but a lot fail. There is no way to guage your future with this man especially if he isolates to a group of other people of whom you do not know. Maybe, you could ask him if you can meet these friends if you have not already, maybe it might be too soon for that, you will know.

People with PTSD can present with a wide array of symptoms that affect their domestic lives, their work, their relationships and more. You have tried to talk with him but it seems the opportunity to sit with him and get down to the reasons why your relationship is stalling are getting less and less and leading to more and more frustration for you. Try not to let this go on and on as it is clear you are emotionally invested in this man, so you need the truth to deal with the situation.

You might find one day everything is wonderful and the next its just not. This could be a symptom of his PTSD and the lack of person to person meetings. I hope he contacts you more often and you get back to communicating in person and the relationship goes where you want it to.

It appears you have done a great deal to understand this man, researched PTSD and Isolation,written to this forum.worked consistently to maintain the relationship, kept the chanells of communication open but all your effort appears to have had no real behavioural change from him. Maybe it is time you allowed him to do the talking and the walking to you, and see how much effort he really does put into the relationship....since he says he does want the relationship.

You must remember to look after yourself while this situation unfolds. I hope it works out in the best possible way for you both.

Go well Ashmarie

Kind regards

blackemerald1