Self Harm and Neurodiversity

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Mmm… I’m not diagnosed but I do struggle with overwhelming environments big time and given the difficulty I have to organize myself excepted by big pushes and the absolute inability to go through meetings with scattered information… and yes the fact that my antidepressant helps me to focus rather than jitters me makes my pdoc think I might have some form of add/adhd. I have horrible times in shops and feel unreal and all weird. It was already strange before the more recent ptsd kicked in, but I’d say that the ptsd episode have some dramatic, angry of fearful component to it and are consuming while meltdowns are pretty soothing with a releasing effect.

In PTSD/emotional flashback stuff, I’d start to want to run away, attack or yell at a specific target, memories will be involved and it’s majorly relational. Sometimes with external triggers, sometimes with something I feel like is lowkey triggered and rampaging itself as a ticking bomb before a crisis. But there are specific conditions to be reunited to complete certain types of crises with a very limited set of feelings. With ADD/ADHD it seems to be much more vague and depending on overload, a bit of positive impulsivity, contradicting/overlapping feelings rather than successions of the same negative feelings like an eternal grief.

It’s a bit connex but I remember that guy, Dr. Fox who made an interesting distinction between triggers and emotional buttons. A trigger isn’t directly related to the event, can be the colour of the carpets you’ve been beaten up on or a smell, anything that tells you shit, it’s about to happen again. An emotional button is when your core beliefs about yourself or at least the image you want to project are seemingly attacked (fail at something, someone makes a comment that makes you feel unworthy). It has something very direct to do to you.

Ex:

If my partner plays a game or goes out or does anything without me at night, it saddens me and I stir up a f*cking crisis because it sends me back to an emotional flashback where I was neglected while that person clearly did care and did a lot. That is a trigger with the possible outcome of a ptsd episode with all the emotions from the past arising.

(others may say it’s comorbid BPD spectrum fear of abandonment… but there is so much in common between personality disorders and cptsd that I have the impression that so called personality disorders are sets of ptsd/anxiety coping patterns rather than disorders in themselves, and many overlap, at least in cluster B and C. Frankly it feels like the dark sides of the codexes of psychiatry with weird file formats designed to fix specific sets of problems without much order).

An argument or a conversation where someone tells you something innocent (or not) like you’re so posh or whatever and you f*cking explode all at once because it pinched that part of you you cared a lot to build an identity on, that is an emotional button and they’re generally much worse to manage than triggers because they can be pushed very fast. It threatens your sense of internal integrity.

Also emotional overload, panicky state where I’ll throw my head against a door or something not too hard and try to get a grip. It did happen in a few moments in my life, more often recently, when I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with panic and a sense of impending doom. Pain brings me back.
 
Top