Self harm and weaning off lexapro. (graphic)

[MrsKubalabuku]

I'll start off warning you, this thread will get a little graphic, as I want to fully describe what happened to freak me out.

I was on Lexapro and Lorezapem at the request of my husband and counselor, who thought the combination of the two would help me cope with symptoms enough for us to really delve into my trauma. I reached a therapeutic level of 20mgs and was at it for 2 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was a surprise, but my husband and I decided we wanted to do what was best for our growing baby. My psychiatrist informed me Lexapro may be associated with certain birth defects, and strongly urged me to try and slow down my therapy for the duration of the pregnancy and wean off the Lexapro. My husband and I agreed to wean me off both medications, and while I was being weaned, I only suffered from headaches.

This last Wednesday was my last day taking either of the two medications. My husband and I had had a very emotionally charged fight, where he even left my therapist's office because he just couldn't take anymore. We were working through the issues, but it was VERY rough. I noticed I was having mood swings, going from pure and utter sorrow to outrageous anger. One moment I'd just lay there wishing my heart to stop, the next I'd want to chew a hole through the house and beat the ground.

On Thursday I started having thoughts of self harm. I fantasized about just laying in my bathtub filled with cold water and shivering. I found myself picking at my fingers. My anxiety was so bad I couldn't sleep or eat. What I did force down I immediately threw up. I tried to read up on Lexapro, but I didn't really find anything explaining why I'd suddenly want to cause myself harm.

On Friday, my husband and I fought while he was at work. He'd been on Facebook, and we were trying to just chat when I blew up. My anxiety and stress were so strong, I felt like they would kill me.

Then, I don't remember anything. I was struggling to breath, my head was throbbing, and then it all went blank. When I came to, I was standing in the garage, holding a box cutter. I had slashed 2 deep three inch long lines into my upper left shoulder. The blood was just dripping down my arm, and I felt no pain, satisfaction, or anything.

My panic reached a new level. I couldn't believe what I'd just done! How can I just slice myself and not even KNOW what was going ON? I've tried to get a hold of my therapist all weekend, but have failed to reach her.

I finally told my husband about the injury today. He said he'd suspected something. He's handling it pretty well and being very supportive. I'm sure he's upset about it, but he understands this is something so out of the ordinary for me. I've promised to get a hold of my therapist at her office first thing Monday, and to go to the clinic to have a doctor look at my arm. After the cutting, I began just telling him "I'm having thoughts of hurting myself" on Friday and Saturday night. He just held me tight until I fell asleep.

I'm very scared by what has happened. I don't even understand how I could have lost control long enough to injure myself in such a way. While I do feel better that my husband and I finally talked about it, I'm terrified of it happening again.

I don't know what I hope to hear. I think I just need some extra support until I can be seen. Has this happened to anyone else? What causes this behavior? What should I look at for to avoid it happening again?

 

[ronin47]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I can hardly even imagine how frightening that must have been. My take on it is that the fluctuating hormones from your pregnancy, the withdrawal from Lexapro (which can be very severe from what I've heard), the fighting with your husband, and the anxiety and depression you were dealing with in the first place, have all accumulated to what your mind decided was the breaking point. There's also a possibility that, even though you were just weaning yourself off the medication, that it was still too fast, as that can cause a sudden and severe onset of depression even more severe than before.

I struggled with self inflicted injury for several years. Self mutiliation does cause a release of naturally occuring endorphines in the brain that creates a relaxed feeling, similar to the relaxation one feels after they've done intense exercise. It can also be a form of distraction and a way to "ground" oneself, a way to feel something more real, if that makes any sense. It is an external way of regulating emotions, which you, understandably, are having a hard time with. I never blacked out, but your hormones are so out of wack right now that it doesn't surprise me that you lost control like that.

As far as how to deal with it, start compiling a list of coping strategies for when you feel the stress building. Some of my favorites from my "toolbox" are watching Sesame Street on Youtube, eating frozen yogurt, playing computer games, taking a shower, cleaning my room, etc. Try doing something that is not stressful but requires concentration, like playing Sudoku (one of my new hobbies ;)).

Another thing that you can do in advance before the stress reaching a breaking point is something I once heard referred to as "Raisin Meditation." Initially I heard it described as visually examining a raisin; contemplating the folds, counting the little crumbs of sugar, and such. When I first heard that I thought, "Well that's one of the silliest things I've ever heard." But later on I realized what it really was was bringing one's attention to something small. If you focus your attention on something little it allows you to push aside distractions more easily. So, if I find myself getting overwhelmed when I go to a debate tournament or something like that, I look down and examine the little fibers and color patterns on the rug, or perhaps find a plant and look at the little veins on the leaves.

Also, and I don't make this suggestion lightly since I absolutely despise hospitals myself, if you have another blackout episode or feel like you might have another one, you may want to give consideration to going to the psychiatric ward at your local hospital. It's not something anybody loves to do, but if you are at the point where you are injuring yourself without even realizing it, for the sake of yourself and your unborn baby, that's definately an option you'll want to keep on the table.

I hope that helps at least a little bit. Hang in there dear, you're dealing with a lot right now. I'll be sending prayers for you and your family.

 

[MrsKubalabuku]

Thank you very much for the prayers and advice. I think I'll go bookmark Sesame Street now.

 

[Reclusive]

And remember to be kind to yourself. My fiance has blackouts - very rarely, but it happens - and he's horrified about what happens. I understand that it can be a really frightening thing - it's bad enough that I can do things with awareness and then forget ever doing them.

Everyone has their own reaction to coming off a medication and I'm sorry your T didn't go over coping mechanisms at the same time the decision to come off the meds happened.

By the way, Congratulations on the pregnancy!

 

[anthony]

Lexapro is very nasty for suicidal ideation, and it takes anywhere from 3 - 6 months after stopping an SSRI to be out and clear of withdrawals. You are going through withdrawals, and you need to accept it will take this amount of time before you stabilize without the medication.